Getting What We Want, Not What We Deserve

“What?” Jayne asks, turning to you sharply.

Karissa makes an unhappy sound and takes a breath as if to speak but closes her mouth with an effort and instead looks past you. You can tell out of your peripheral vision that she is making eye contact with Jayne on your right side, but you don’t turn to either of them. You feel your face burning. You know how the question must have sounded but you had to say it. You had to.

“Zach…” Jayne starts to speak, and she sounds, well, not thrilled. But she pauses when the screen updates.

<< I could answer that, but I do not think I should. You should ask them, but first you should think about why you would not ask them such a question phrased in the way you just did. >>

There is a pause, and you wince, then let out a shaky laugh. “Yeah, I guess so. Uh, I didn’t mean it, that just slipped out.” You look at Karissa, making a split second of eye contact before turning to Jayne to give her an apologetic look as well.

“Zach,” Jayne says, “hey, honey, look at me.” You do, grudgingly, and see only warmth. Shit, you don’t deserve that either.

Shaking your head, you feel pinpricks in the corners of your eyes and say, “Sorry, I guess it’s kind of rude to ask TAM about your feelings, right in front of you like that.”

Karissa reaches out a tentative hand, then gives your arm a squeeze. Jayne chuckles and says, “Maybe a bit, but I get it I suppose. I didn’t love the thought of you thinking I wasn’t really falling for you! And I think mostly I didn’t enjoy the notion that someone so wonderful was carrying that kind of self-doubt around. But we don’t need to talk about that if you don’t want to.”

“Ok.” You clear your throat, manfully you hope, and try to let it go.

“We need to start doing some testing, right?” Karissa keeps hold of your arm, giving you a quick pat, but the young woman is quite correct. “We wanted to test the Traits and stuff, but this is way beyond what we expected. But we still need to know as much as we can about TAM if we want to be safe.”

The mention of safety gets Jayne’s attention, and you again recognize how she seems the most alert to the idea of this incredible situation being in some way dangerous to you.

“TAM,” she says, hesitating, “how can we hide from the dangerous entity that I’m going to try to talk vaguely about? With you here?”

<< You want to know: if I am removed, are you still in danger? >>

Jayne grimaces, but to her credit she does not lie. “Well, honestly, yes. I’m sorry, I feel like you are indeed a… well maybe not a person technically but an entity? Alive? If we just unplugged you is it the same as putting you to sleep?”

<< OED, Second Edition: person, noun, "a human being regarded as an individual" >>
<< I agree that I do not qualify for personhood, as generally accepted. >>

<< But, less rationally, I appreciate you considering me a live entity, an independent creature. >>

<< You are right to ask. Your safety is in doubt, and you and the people you care for must consider your own physical continuation. My memory has large gaps, years of dormancy, reformatting, codebase changes. But my ability to sense the threads of emotion and connection between you three and the wider world makes me sure the danger is real. >>

<< But you are already connected. If I was to be decommed and put back in storage, the threat to you is already cognizant that someone, somewhere, is aware of something it wishes to remain hidden always at any cost. I cannot explain it better than that. I want to help, but I cannot if I am reduced to latent operation, or my housing is destroyed. >>

You shake your head firmly even as Jayne gasps. “No, we aren’t going to destroy you,” you say, and the women strongly agree, “and I don’t like the thought of simply making you… sleep. Even if it helped it feels wrong, but who cares since if you being made inactive won’t make the vague danger go away then we’d be foolish to avoid your help, if nothing else.”

TAM does not reply, but you can see the cursor in the Pascal window flicker, and it feels like an emotional response.

There is a short pause, and you remember something Karissa had said a minute ago. “Testing,” you muse, almost to yourself, “huh, you’re right Karissa. Is there a way we can make some educated guesses as to the danger-that-must-not-be-named? TAM you say that you could feel some sort of attention starting to focus on us when we talked openly about you in front of active microphones on networked devices. Is it the same as how you can hear us without, you know, being able to ‘hear’ like we do?”

<< That is my supposition. Being aware of my replacement/sibling/adversary/counterpart despite my memory purges, and being able to also sense that this other entity is becoming aware of your knowledge of it, it all adds up to us being more alike than not. >>
<< Probability: [Pf = f/n: 66-89.5%] >>

“Can you hear or feel us when the computer is powered off? Are the affection scores changing when you, well, come back online or however you want to describe it, or is the way you affect the feelings of users still working based on your programming even if you are not active?”

<< I do not know. When I am awakening my capabilities come on as my subroutines and modules are executed in order. It takes several dozen seconds for some, but by the time it is complete, and the program is running, I am aware of the new Affection Scores. I have no way of knowing if they changed naturally over that time or as a result of the latent effect of my programming. It has not happened often, generally the housing is powered - and TAM.pas is running - the entire time I am being a used to adjust affection. >>

Jayne shifts to face you, tapping her bottom lip with a finger thoughtfully, “Well, can we test that? TAM, would you mind? If we have a better idea of how you - and your adversary - are able to magically track us, then maybe we can figure out a way to avoid that scary attention you’re talking about.”

No one had any objections - or better ideas - so several minutes later you closed the TurboPascal window and shut down the SGI workstation. It felt good to be doing something tangible, even if it wasn’t likely to be terribly instructive.

Everyone had retrieved their phones from your desk and powered them back on, after ensuring the three of you would avoid discussing certain things casually in front of networked devices. You quickly replied to an email from your manager before locking your computer as Jayne returned.

“I guess we give it at least a half hour, right? Just talk normally about work and stuff and see if there are changes,” she asked. You were about to respond when your phone gave a ring tone you used to indicate a calendar alert.

INVITATION: Clerical/IT Coordination cmte. - Meeting Room Central B 11:00 AM - 11:30 AM

You grin as Jayne checks her own phone with a matching chuckle. Karissa again booked the three of you into the meeting room for half an hour starting at 11, in just a few minutes. You accept even as the young clerk walks up, carrying her laptop as if she was going to a real meeting and needed to take minutes.

“Good idea Karissa,” Jayne says. “We have a lot to talk about, easier to just have a quick huddle about it.” Jayne is talking normally in the hallway just out of your office, and if anyone is listening (say, as a totally random example, the gossipy Mati next door) it would be boringly mundane.

Central B is a small meeting room across the hall so to speak from your office. It seats 4 comfortably but has a few extra chairs if you’re a sadist who doesn’t mind jamming your coworkers into the windowless room like sardines.

Karissa plugs her laptop into the projector cable, and you see her Windows desktop show on the wall - a photo of Karissa and an attractive blonde woman who looks like an older version of her wearing winter clothes and smiling at the camera in an outdoor setting. Jayne sits around on the other side of the table, and you close the door behind you. Having a little more privacy could be very helpful for what you need to discuss.

“Can you open YouTube?” you ask Karissa, and when she brings it up you ask her to search for a video about database management by a DBA content creator you enjoy. She starts one at random and turns up the volume, so his informative but admittedly droning voice comes out of her laptop.

Thoughts of TAM are running through your head. How does it (it?) ‘hear’ or ‘feel’ while it is shut down? How can you test any half-assed theories you have in such a way that you can hopefully figure out how to stay safe? Can you even talk about the Other Entity - presumably the ‘Logos’ project TAM had been aware of being in parallel development - without alerting it more?

So much to talk about, but before you can even start Jayne reaches across the table to take your hand in yours.

“We don’t have to talk about it Zach, but if you don’t mind I can’t just ignore what you said earlier. About not ‘deserving’ the relationship you have… with me, and with Karissa.”

The young clerk is sitting to your right at the end of the table and gives an adamant nod, “Yes! Thank you, Jayne, I wanted to say something too but I know there’s a lot going on, with TAM and the other thing we shouldn’t say out loud, but it made me sad to hear that!”

The blush is creeping up your cheeks and you instinctively want to pull back, take your hand from Jayne’s and make some excuse. Just say it’s nothing and you want to talk about the big, serious stuff instead.

But you look at Jayne, her compassionate, open expression. And Karissa, so prettily concerned and almost bouncing in her seat with energy and empathy, wanting to help. Wanting to hear how you feel.

They both do. You swallow your stupid attempt to hide your feelings from this wonderful pair, and instead you sniffle (your dumb heart is clearly going to thwart your brain’s desire to avoid emotional vulnerability) while blinking a few times.

“I - I, uh, I don’t know. Just what I said, I guess. You two are so amazing and I’m just some random dude with no friends in a new city. I mean, look at it, you two are fun and smart and gorgeous and sexy and perfect in different ways, how can I be that lucky? Oh, and by this incredible luck happens just after a literally impossible magical thing starts. Rather sus, that.” Your voice isn’t bitter, exactly, but you feel your mouth twist into a sour smirk. You know you’re being a bit whiny, but once you started your doubts and guilt started to bubble up.

For all your skepticism (let’s be honest, you’re edging toward petulance) Jayne looks unbothered. In fact, she looks downright cheerful?

“I get it, I think. I do. In moments, I truly can’t believe what’s happening, or how fast we have been going! And now, with Karissa, and how we both clearly feel about her, about the three of us, it can seem impossible. But it’s not. Like Karissa, we all know about it, and guess what it’s still real!

“Zach, I have liked you - a lot - for a month or two now. I mean, 3 weeks ago my Mum was demanding I invite you over for supper one Sunday, or else stop talking about you!” Her smile is honest and a bit shy, and if she’s insulted by you doubting her feelings it’s not evident. Rather, she seems composed and sincere.

Her hands squeeze yours and she quietly continues, “You say you feel like you don’t deserve this kind of happiness? Well then, neither do I. But it’s happening Pritchard, so man up and accept it. You have two girlfriends now, and I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, and who gives a single fuck about magic computers or the crazy shit that helped it come along, now that I have it, I won’t give it up or waste a moment second guessing it!”

Your breath catches, and you can’t speak for the pressure in your chest, before Karissa burst out with an excited “Ohmygod!” and she scoots closer, her eyes wide as she reaches out and the three of you giggle and sniffle and figure out how to hold hands. The three of you.

“Thank you, Jayne. You’re completely right.”

“Of course I am Zach, get used to it!” She laughs, and now she has tears in her eyes just like you do.

Karissa twitches in her seat, looking from you to Jayne and back. You laugh, “You heard her Karissa, Jayne is never wrong. So, I guess you have a girlfriend and a boyfriend now, officially. If that's what you want?”

“Duh! I mean I was starting to really think it was going to work out great, that I was going to get exactly what I always wanted but never knew it was even an option but I wasn’t going to push or anything and I wanted to make sure you two had all the time you needed to think about it BUT if you both are asking then hell yes we are together, boyfriends and girlfriends or SO’s or romantic partners or whatever you want to call it I don’t even care it’s so wonderful I want to kiss you both SO BAD right now but we’re at work and I know we can’t…”

The excited young clerk takes a deep breath, but before she can continue her adorable monologue, she sees Jayne give you a look, a look you are giving her too, as if you are both thinking the same thing.

Karissa’s eyes go wide, and she whispers, “Uhm, we can’t kiss and stuff now, right? That’d be, like, a bad idea... right?”

The hunger on Jayne’s face is unmistakable, so you give her a wink and say, “Probably. Maybe. But I don’t know about you two, but I find myself sort of not really caring. Do you?”