Get a proper introduction to the life of an Imperial Guardsman.

Hi, my name is John Smith. If you are hearing or reading this then that means the blinking lights on this warpy xenotech voxcaster thing means it's working and not about to explode. I'm about to tell you the tale of how a random bastard like me got pulled in the grim darkness of the far future where there is only war...and sex. Like lots of sex, most of it . Female dominated I might add. Let's start at the beginning.

I am a big fan of Warhammer 40k and the All Guardsman Party story. The last thing I expected was to end up involved in the damn thing. Imagine sitting at home doing nothing when all of a sudden a disembodied voice says something like, "Oh yes, you'll do nicely", then the world goes blorp, tastes like the color aquamarine, and you wake up on an Imperium of Man bulk transport with a bunch of men and women who seem just as scared and confused as you are.

So no shit there I was on my way to undergo Imperial Guard training. The transport arrived in orbit over thebplanet we were to be trained on, everyone was loaded into shuttles and sent groundside over the course of the next couple weeks. All of us raw recruits were thanked by a man that looked like he had more important shit to do for offering ourselves up in service to the God-Empress and told we were proud members of the 99th Jacabian Janassarie Medium Mechanized infantry regiment.

The next three years are kind of a blur as my fellow recruits and I were broken up into squads and put through rigorous training that pushed us to our physical and mental limits then kept going. We lost a few people during that time as some chose to desert, others were executed or put into penal legions by the Commisariate for attempting to desert, and some just couldn't keep up and either dropped in the middle of a PT drill, stumbled onto a live fire range, or went insane and had to be put down before they started blindfiring in the general direction of the fuel or ammo depots. I learned how to drive a tank which was pretty awesome and I also got a magic backpack.

On the outside it looked like any Guardsman's standard isssue backpack with bedroll, entrenching tools, pockets, and etc. The thing was my backpack could hold a shit ton of stuff, weighed as much as it did with just my standard gear on it, and it came with a modified version of my cellphone that looked like a pocket sized cogitator. Fun fact, the internet way back machine still works in the 41st millennium, and I quickly discovered that anything related to weapons could be put in my bag as long as I had a picture of it. I was very happy after discovering this, but decided to not grab everything I could and just build up my gear as I go.

After three years of blood, sweat, tears, broken bones, and seeing more than a fair share of summary executions by the commissars those of us that had made it to the end were given a grand ceremony to congratulate the completion of our training. We were then given two weeks off before we left on our first deployment and I got to experience just how hard a group of Imperial Guard soldiers on leave can party. I'm pretty sure I got blackout drunk at some point, but I can't remember for sure, but I remember waking up inside the perimeter fence of a Sisters of Battle enclave and having to haul my hung over ass out of there before I got potentially incinerated for heresy. The time to leave had come so our regiment was mustered, equipment was checked, and we got sent out to fight some orcs.