Friend Request, by Skar4114

“Don’t we have somewhere to be, Marcie?”

“No matter, Gina. We can do a quicky before we have to leave.”

“Never use that word again. So, what’s this newest trash fire supposed to be about?”

“Hm, from what I can tell, Friend Request, by Skar4114 is about making friends.”

“Instant wall of shame.”

“I mean, yes, but it might still be worth reading. The tags do promise lesbians.”

“Yeah, right. I’m not getting tricked again, Marcie.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“This story starts out like any good story should. By making a deal with the devil.”

“OK, I think I got it.” He leaned over on his chair, eager to hear it. “All I want is a friend. Whenever I need a friend, I’ll have a friend with me.”

“This fucker here literally makes a pact with Satan just to get some friends. That has to be the most pathetic bitch ass protagonist we ever featured. Like, wow! Do you even realize what an accomplishment that is?”

“But of course, things are hardly that simple, because the devil interprets friends as girlfriends and girlfriends as objects.”

“What kind of roundabout weird ass logic is that? This isn’t even twisting the deal! That’s merry go rounding it! What a shitty devil.”

“It does stretch credulity a tad.”

“Anyway, the author dresses it up a bit fancy, but this is, of course, a **** device story.”

I looked at the certificate in my hand. That dream was real after all. Not only that, but that devil had interpreted “having a friend” literally, meaning I literally owned a person now. What the hell (hehe) was he even trying to pull with that?

“What was that?”

“What was what, Marcie?”

“That was one of the feeblest puns I encountered in my long career of pun making. I will now spend the remainder of the review proliferating this puny punk’s pun pool.”

“I object.”

“No Gina, the girls are.”

it made me realize this wasn’t just another power fantasy, I’d have to take care of her, same as someone might take care of a prized possession or a pet.

“Look at this smug asshole over here. Uh, I’m not like the other **** device protagonists! At least the usual perverts own up to it!”

"pffft!"

“Fuck!”

“Well, Gina, to our owners credit, he is perhaps the most consensual **** device wielder since we read wilparu’s branch of the affection multiplier.”

“Ok, fine. I’m still putting Alex on the scumbag list for using a **** device. But I’m giving him the lowest spot. Move over Michael, you old fart! You are no longer the wimpiest scumbag!”

“I guess you could say, Alex owned that spot.”

“Marcie, I am going to hit you. With this cactus.”

“That would sting.”

“…”

“I move back on topic. There is rather peculiar tonal dissonance to this story. On one hand, Alex genuinely cares about his girls and for all sense of purposes treats them like actual girlfriends. But then you have the girls themselves and everyone around them sees which sees them as nothing more then objects, to be used as their owner pleases.”

“It’s kinda hot?”

“Really, Gina? Huh.”

“Don’t huh me Marcie. I just think it’s sexier then some stupid fucking zombies or the usual mind **** shlock. The fact that it’s all so casual just makes it better.”

“My, I never thought you would be into objectification, Gina. We certainly do need your opinion on the sex scenes now.”

she was so soft, she was so tight, one of my hands went to her thigh

“They fucking suck. Is that guy having sex or writing song lyrics?”

“You just said you liked this, Gina.”

“No, Marcie, I said I liked the concept. But guess what? This fucker still has a dick, so I don’t care.”

“There is some lesbian stuff in it.”

“Oh, whoop di fucking do! Do I look like some overexcited toddler that claps every time two girls kiss?”

“It works with sharks…”

“This feels generic as shit! Like it’s virgins first time writing porn.”

“Which, from what I gathered is the case. Well, the porn writing part at least, although let us not kid about the virgin accusation either. Oh, Gina. You know, I feel no pleasure in beating down newbies.”

“You cackle gleefully whenever one stops updating.”

“Wow, what a ‘beach-y’ behavior, huh?”

“Silence. How can I be blamed for this when they create puns abysmal enough to trigger my flight or fright response.”

Content warning: I wasn't sure if I should put this warning here or not, but here it is. This chapter contains depictions of an abusive boyfriend being aggressive and violent, though he doesn't hit his girlfriend. Since he only appears on the back half, I've marked his appearance with a line of asterixis (like this ********) so you can read up until then and be fine.

“Let’s talk about some actual triggering shit, Marcie. This is another one of those bitch ass authors who put in content warnings.”

“Incidentally, asterixis is not the plural of asterisk, but the medical condition of jerking hands, which I am sure the author is very familiar with.”

“Marcie…”

“Yes, yes, I am not a fan of it either. Especially since the scene here is really very tame. While the author does describe an abusive relationship, it does not go into any vivid details. All this note does is spoiling the chapter.”

“If you get triggered by that, you’re getting a hearth attack reading our reviews, you fucking pussy!”

“Hm, I noticed that we did not really describe much of the plot this time, Gina.”

“So what?”

“Would you like to?”

“Meh, it’s just this friendless fucker enslaving some girls and have sex with them.”

“I guess you could say...there is not a lot of plot on this lot”

“…”

“And that says a lot.”

*Gina aggressively caresses her cactus*

“I get your point. Now, the girls itself are, how do I say it objectively?”

“Basic Bitches.”

“The most interesting of the trio is Bi, a no nonsense cop. Then you have Barbie, who is the girly, ditzy girl of the group and Aly.”

“She exists.”

“These characters are diverse but due to the whole ownership devil deal, they are all somewhat molded into the same obedient archetype. They are, by design, very into objectification and worshipping Alex.”

“Isn’t that the point, Marcie?”

“Yes, but Skar also failed to give each of them a distinct voice. Ideally, you should be able to tell characters apart by dialog alone. Compounding this issue is a sparse usage of names.”

Her kisses were now in the front of my neck, on my shoulder blades too. She was now massaging my arms, relieving them of their tension of holding my notebook or clipboards all the time, of writing all day long, her hands slowly going down then, sometimes both at the same time, sometimes with two hands in one arm at some points, but never stopping her ministrations. Her kisses followed suit, going from my neck to my chest, going round and around in it while she massaged my upper arms, relieving the tension at my sides as her kisses melted my chest more and more. As she continued her massage, my breath got slower and slower, her kisses reflected that, whenever my chest went up, a kiss, went down, she moved, went up, a kiss, and then she went, round and round my chest until my upper arms were relaxed and she moved to my forearms.

“Take this paragraph as an example. A tremendous amount of “her” and “she” but a “name” is conspicuously absent. You can of course figure out who “her” is easily enough but a reader should never be in a position were they have to “figure it out” in the first place. Use names liberally, author. That is what they are for.”

“Ok, Marcie. Are you done, Marcie?”

“Yes, Gina.”

“Moving on then...oh, great, more shit that triggers Marcie’s anal cramps.”

The two girls’ positions hadn’t changed much, Bi was still on all fours having her tits mauled

she continued to maul, lick, and suck on Bi’s tits

and gave me my much deserved turn to maul her gorgeous breasts.

“Now that is just slander, Gina. You may think my distaste for the word maul is purely theatrical, but look at the second example here. She licks, sucks, and mauls the object in question. Now, since licking and sucking are already covered, how else are we to interpret maul then brutal mutilation?”

“Cool, so...”

“Which is why the word maul is only ever reserved for a particular viciousness of nature. That of one creature whose pure strength completely eclipses another.”

“Ah, god damnit.”

“And thus Arc 1 of this story comes slowly to a close.”

“Yeah, this is one of those fancy ass authors with arc’s and stuff. If skar was girl I would wedgie her for being such a nerd but since dude I’m just happy it means we can stop reading this trash early.”

“Well…”

“What, Marcie?”

“We only read 17 chapters so far. And seventeen is hardly a mature number.”

“Ugghhh…”

“And there are 11 more chapters in Arc 2. I would say that is sufficient material for us to read on.”

“We are going be late, Marcie.”

“Don’t be absurd. So, Arc 2 begins with some new characters actually. A smug slut named Sam, who also has made a Devil Deal, but she is slightly more proactive then wimpy ass Alex, which makes her instantly more interesting.”

“And the fact that she is a woman, I suppose.”

“Yeah, ok. But! She also has a male ****! So you should be happy too, Marcie!”

“I am, to some degree. We encounter malesubs rarely enough, after all. The situation really is not sub-optimal.”

“Unfortunately, we keep switching back to Alex and his boring ass shit.”

“I object to it being boring, actually. There is an exciting scene were Bi and Aly, infiltrate her abusive ex’s apartment.”

“Oh yeah, were they trash the place? Ok, fine. That was pretty cool.”

“It was. However. I have to say they screwed up.”

“How?”

“Because they failed to create an Aly Bi.”

“…”

“My genius astounds me.”

“I can’t believe my baby is getting a house of his own!” My mom exclaimed after packing the last of the boxes in what looked like the biggest tetris game of our lives, just so they could actually fit inside the trunk. She was a foot shorter than me and had her dirty blonde hair tied up in a simple ponytail. Her fair skin had finally begun showing signs of her constant effort to tan it on the beach and the salon, and her features, while definitely sharp and mature, looked young for her age, so much so that she has been mistaken for my sister or girlfriend a couple of times. She loves these small little ego boosters.

“Oh, don’t even think about it, author. I’m onto you!”

“What do you mean, Gina?”

“I can smell an **** setup when I see it, Marcie.”

“You know what they say, never object your mother.”

“Ok, but! Then things come to a head when Sam kidnaps Bi! So! The group goes to take her back and wow. This is actually getting exciting, Marcie!”

“It...it is, right?”

“Alright, most of this was pretty lame, but I’m actually on board now so, they barge into Sam’s place and….GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

It is the last chapter.”

“AGAIN! IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A SICK JOKE? AM I BEING TARGETED FOR HARASSMENT?”

“I do not think this is a concentrated effort.”

“And just when it was getting good, fucking hell!”

“Yes, this started out like your run of the mill mind control story you find everywhere on CHYOA, but I do think it really started to come into its own in Arc 2.”

“You mean when the author decided to abandon the story? Great. Awesome. How about you make a deal with the devil to stop being such a lazy shit!”

“Yes, quite unfortunate really. I was mildly intrigued as well.”

“Sam should have been the protagonist.”

“But on the bright side, it is all well and good that we can end this early. We do have a party to attend, after all.”

“Oh right. This shit was so infuriating, I completely forgot about that.”

“And I do hate for us to be late, so, I think there is only one thing left to say.”

“Marcie...”

“This author…”

“…”

“...got owned.”

“I pack up the cactus.”