Francis O'Connor, 47 year old adjunct instructor

Behind the Scenes

A lone figure buzzes with excitement as she marches triumphantly through the aisles of the Harem Hotel’s data analysis department. Finally, after hundreds of pitches presented annually for dozens of decades, the Producers have approved one of them. No one has emerged from Data Analysis, filled with dry reports concerning, among other things, the use of specific prepositions in the description of a transformation and their effects on ratings amongst key demographics, to the heights of hosting an actual season. No one, that is, until Beckie Petersen. She stops her march to burst out in maniacal laughter, much to the chagrin of her soon to be former colleagues. Soon, she thinks, soon I shall be counted among the greatest hosts of all time! Now to enjoy my minions’ praise before I move to my new office on my very own set!

“Ms. Petersen, you are blocking the aisle,” the mail-boy behind her quietly spoke up, “Can you please move, ma’am?”

“Quiet, you!”

“Sorry, ma’am.” The boy stares at the floor, hoping that the obnoxious data analysis supervisor would take his apology as a cue to let him get on with his day. He has about 50 pounds of mail to deliver to dozens of analysts before he can go home and his supervisor threatened to fire him (out of a cannon) if he submits any more overtime this month.

Waiting for a bit, and hearing no applause, she assumes her peons are too stunned from her majesty and teleports away.

“Finally.” The mail cart squeaks as the mail boy continues his work. The analysts sit and crunch numbers, enjoying the relative quiet clacking of their typewriters and abacuses. Maybe their next supervisor will approve the department’s many, many pending requests to update to modern computing equipment. They can all hope.

Josie Wulf

Mmmm... butt. She groggily raises her head, a slight crick in her neck, only to see she was using another woman’s ass as a pillow. It was a shapely ass, decently plump. All around, the twelfth best pillow she has ever used. From what she can tell from the angle, the rest of the woman wasn’t half bad. She was wearing a white one-piece swimsuit. Helpfully, the one-piece was a high-cut; the last thing the sleepy Josie wanted was a mark on her face from the other woman’s swimsuit hem.

The afternoon sun beams down on the logy woman. Seagulls caw in the distance, barely heard over the crashing of waves behind her. The air smelt of salt. Sea-spray and sweat, Josie mused, now why am I not panicking? Waking up on top of an unknown person on a strange beach is something normal people would panic about...

She tries to raise herself up, wanting to figure out where she was, only to realize that a different woman was resting her head on the small of her back. The motion wakes up that woman; that woman has the wherewithal to scream. She squirms like she is drowning in molasses, but that motion is enough to encourage the crab that was sitting on her chest to skitter away.

“Quiet on the set!” a voice shouts.

The screaming woman calms down, repositioning her head on Josie’s firm butt. That lets Josie lift her upper body up a little bit. She stares at a small sand dune straight ahead. Looking to the right, she sees a strange lighthouse jutting on a rocky outcropping. As far as she can tell, it is made of pure white stone. The top has a bronze roof and she can see smoke billowing up from it.

Music plays, seemingly from nowhere. A shrill voice shouts from behind the sand dune, “Welcome to Harem Hotel: Sapphic Seaside Edition! I am your soon to be favorite host, Beckie Petersen, the most powerful, charismatic, and beautiful person ever to climb the heights of the Harem Hotel data analysis department! I promise you that, with what all that I have learned parsing out the most minute of details from thousands of previous seasons, this one will be the best one yet! This season, 6 lovely ladies will be competing for the top position in their Master’s harem. And, as always, you can anticipate all of the fun twists and turns I have meticulously concocted. And the first twisty-turn is... Now! We are doing the intros in a different order! Let’s bring the first girl down!”