Failed Attempt At Love

I’ve always wanted a girlfriend, just someone to love, someone to hug when I feel sad, or just someone to talk to when I’m lonely. Since I was little, I always tried to find my soulmate. But by the looks of things, I will never find that person, at least in this period of my life. However, during my junior year of high school, I tried the impossible. There was this one girl that didn’t seem aware of all the rumors at school. I knew she would be a nice girlfriend, and I felt like it was my moment to enjoy a normal relationship with someone.

So yes, in the middle of another shitty year, getting bullied twice a week, being unable to talk to anybody at school, even failing every class, I tried to ask her out. I found all the confidence and courage I needed and asked her out. But of course, she said no. That crushed me, not only because I was rejected, but because the girl I asked out is almost as unpopular as me. That’s the whole reason I felt like we would make a good match. I thought I had finally found someone who understood me, who was going through the same as me. But no, she was just not interested in a relationship. I don’t know if she rejected me because of my looks or something about me, but I hope she was genuinely not looking for a boyfriend. But knowing me, I was probably the problem.

I do hope I had that courage and confidence now though. Back then, I still had a bit of acne, I still was harassed constantly, and there was also a huge game where half of the school dated each other. I don’t know, it was weird, don’t ask about it. But yes, I wasn’t a part of it, obviously. If I could take that risk again, I wouldn’t do it. Currently, while I am in a better place mentally, I still don’t have the confidence to ask someone out. And the problem is that now I desire love more than ever before.

I still want a girlfriend, and really badly. I just wanted to be loved by someone who isn’t my mom or dad. Sure, I would like some sex too, but I much prefer the intimacy, all of those special feelings you get when you are with someone you love. I wish I could go on dates with a cute girl, buy her everything she wants, even though I’m kind of broke, and make her the happiest person on earth. But I don’t think I’m capable of doing it, or if I even deserve to receive that chance.

The worst part is that I have a long time crush on a very pretty girl at school. I’ve been wanting to ask her out for years. She has never had a boyfriend by the look of things, she is still waiting for her one. I don’t know if it is for religious reasons, but she is saving herself for the perfect man, and I want to be that man. However, we have rarely talked, and I think she is one of the people that believed the rumor of me being a creep, so I doubt she will want to talk to me. But still, I really want her, I need her love, even though I probably don’t deserve it, or more likely, someone far more attractive than me will steal her.

Basically, I’m terrible with girls, there is no need to overcomplicate it. I’ve only talked to very few of them in high school. I can count them in one hand probably, but I somehow managed to make a girl friend. Actually, we’ve been friends for far longer, since kindergarten, but no one really knows that. She is more like a sister to me, and no, I’m not into ****, so I would never try to date her. She is actually probably the only true friend I have, so that’s why she is my best friend. And everybody knows you don’t date best friends, that’s why I wouldn’t treat her like the other girls.

So apart from her, there are a total of zero girls in my life. Not even all of the female teachers, which are the majority in our school, talk to me anymore. Well, that might be because I don’t attend their classes that often, but still. I’ve just lost all hope in ever finding a girl, or even just talking to one. It’s depressing, especially when I’ve been dealing with that for four years now. I don’t think I will find a chance at love until I’m at college. And since there is still a full semester left of school, I guess I’ll just have to deal with that for a few more months, there’s nothing else I can do…