Erosion

Riley set one foot in front of the other. Around and before him the dunes seemed to stretch into eternity. The sun was an oppressive **** at his back. The resort had begun to dwindle in the distance.

He'd started the morning walk as a simple way to clear his head. He'd found though that as he kept walking he simply had no reason to turn around. He still didn't. And so one foot fell in front of the other as he trudged on.

For some of the walk Riley lost himself in thought. Mostly though he just let himself be. There was a peace to emptying his mind, one that he badly needed. His head had become a crowded, noisy place this past week. So many anxieties. So many fears.

He crowned the top of a massive dune and started walking down the other side.

He didn't know who he was anymore. Audrey had insisted that the most important parts of him hadn't changed. Maybe she was right. He was still good with numbers. He still loved his friends. He still wanted the same things out of life.

Was he shallow? That's what Audrey had basically told him. A less charitable interpretation perhaps, but not wrong. Most of his changes were only skin deep. If that was enough to ruin him then surely shallow was exactly what he was.

But no. How could he not be upset? His body was gone, and in it's place was...this. People were more than just a collection of values. Their bodies were a part of who they were too. That wasn't just vanity. If people were allowed to be angry at a bad haircut then how much more of a right did he have to be angry for what had happened to him? Riley couldn't convince himself that this was no big deal like Audrey seemed to want him to. He had tried, but he couldn't.

Besides. They'd changed his mind too. He was bisexual now. It was easy to ignore most of the time. There wasn't a lot of temptation here. The only men around were old servants and his best friend. But he could still tell. He wasn't the same as he had been.

He supposed he was hardly the first person to struggle with sexuality. Laura had opened up to him about her issues. Other people made it through this kind of thing all the time. Why couldn't he?

Because he didn't want this.

Neither did anybody else, he supposed. Nobody chose their sexuality. For everyone else it was a matter of genetics or of the soul or whatever. For him it was chosen by an audience. His situation was a little bit stranger, but in either case he had no say. Should it make such a difference?

It did. He felt violated. Stained. He'd heard that after people were robbed they often moved because they couldn't feel safe in their own homes anymore. It was like that. He didn't feel safe in his own mind anymore. But there the metaphor broke down; he couldn't just move away.

Trevor had been the only one not to offer any advice, just company. And Riley had shut him out. He felt guilty about that. Trevor deserved better.

Riley reached the bottom of the dune he'd been descending and started work on ascending the next one. He was far enough out from the resort that they were starting to reach truly massive heights.

He hadn't seen Paige in a week. And he knew why. They didn't have a future anymore.

The slack, stoic mask Riley had been wearing began to falter and he felt tears in his eyes. He had no idea what he'd do when they broke up. Paige was his world.

The contest had been too much though. She knew he was a pervert now, and she'd judge him for it. He knew he had been her second choice now, and he wasn't sure he could stop himself from judging her for it.

He understood of course. He got it. Trevor was more handsome than he was, in better shape, smarter, more charismatic. He didn't usually mind; he loved his friend. But Paige was supposed to be the one person who didn't notice.

Maybe, somehow, they could have gotten past that. But the nail in the coffin was his body.

Paige was decidedly not gay, and Riley looked like a woman. She wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. She couldn't be. Paige might not be the most sex-motivated person out there, but attraction mattered in a relationship. That, ultimately, had to be why she'd been avoiding him. She knew, like he did, that their next conversation could only end one way.

He supposed it was the last sign of her love for him that she was putting it off.

Riley was about halfway up the dune when he heard the noise. It was a low drone, punctuated irregularly by staccato pops. He stopped. It was coming from behind him. He turned around and waited.

A minute later Violet crested the hill he'd just finished climbing down, flying over the top on an ATV. She raced down the slope and in no time flat was pulling up beside him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

He just shrugged.

"There's nothing out here. You're going to get heat stroke or something. Hop on. I'm bringing you back."

Riley considered telling her no. He considered just walking away from the resort forever. That had been his plan, he realized. If Violet hadn't shown up he would have just kept walking.

Mutely, Riley hopped on the back of Violet's ATV. He could have fought her on it. But what would have been the point.