Endgame, Part 3: Killing Spree

Behind the Scenes, Some Time Ago

Extra 546732MM001 is stuck on a can-can line, mid kick, as he had been since that fateful night. The night where he reached 99 VP. The night his Host died, apparently killed off by another Host’s producer for interfering with that Host’s season.

His body, warped into the form of a female exotic dancer, fake tits heavy on his chest, hurts. It’s been stuck in this position for so long. His face, locked in the lusty grin, is not his own either. He stares ahead with half-lidded eyes. Nothing changes. Not only is he stuck in extra’s hell, he stuck on this gaudy casino set, waiting for Michael or Ruby or Al or whoever is actually in charge to turn the fucking show back on.

So, when he sees a body actually move, he doesn’t believe it at first. It’s a mermaid, shimmying along the line, staring into each of the can-can dancers’ eyes. He’s on the end. When she gets to him, she smiles a shark toothy grin.

“Hello, Matthew. Would you like some ****? I have quite the offer. Blink once for no, twice for yes.”

Extra 546732MM001, who used to be Matthew McMattersen, blinks so fucking hard and so fast he almost misses the mermaid’s smirk. He finds that he can move again. His mutated body moans from the cramps of holding that pose for so long.

A voice, not his own, asks, “Who are you? What’s the offer?”

“Beckie Peterson, the best and sexiest Host in all of Harem Hotel history. Ignore the fact that I was replaced by the help. My producer wants to solve your little limbo hell situation. He’s made arrangements to let you earn the last point you needed to win your season. Think about it, we gather up your fellow contestants from the sets they were assigned to, put you in a room together, declare you the winner, you get to do all of the perverted things you were planning on doing to them, and you all get to go on your merry way, never having to spend another minute on this show ever again. Sound good?”

The extra considers the offer. “What’s the catch?”

“Oh, the catch is the best part. All you have to do to earn that last VP is to humiliate the slut that denied you that point you needed at her own game. I even got a colonel from her Army you can consult with that got courtmartialed due to her actions. You two design the scenario, beat her at her own game, and she’s yours again.”

The extra smiles at that. “It’ll be a pleasure. Lead the way.”

He feels his body return to normal. The dress he’s in feels uncomfortable, but that is something to be fixed once they get to wherever they are going. This Beckie character shimmies to a door, leading the extra to the Backstage. Soon, he’ll get what he deserves.

Extra 546732MM001, Now

Extra 546732MM001, a former Matt McMattersen, is sitting in his attack helicopter with his military advisor, a Colonel Sanders, dishonorably discharged for failing to stop some magical anomaly that the hard-to-get slut had a hand in, and a few NPC soldiers, including a pilot and a couple of gunners. Colonel Sanders is watching the battlemap, already attempting to pin the target down in a multi-pronged crossfire. The extra is not too concerned. They have an endless stream of soldiers, all armed with **** rifles that hit harder than they do in “the real world”, to feed into the meat grinder. The slut will slip up sooner or later; it’s inevitable. If an infinite number of monkeys can eventually pen the works of Shakespeare, an infinite number of soldiers will eventually land a headshot. All the extra has to do is sit back and watch the show. He’ll have his name and reality back soon enough.

Mattie

Mattie found herself a decent hidey-hole for now. Only 2 entrances (with decent lines of sight), so, if she needs to book it, she goes down the other door. She sets up her cannon to protector mode (and mobile) to serve as a makeshift healbot. Then, she casts Summon Construct for the first time, making a badass mech, which she quickly dubs as Clank. The protector fires off, giving them both some shielding.

“Alright Clank, get ready to slow down the baddies when they come. Need time to think.”

With the room as secured as she can make it as a one-woman show, she starts to figure out the scenario behind some cover. Okay, so that motherfucker bastard Rapey that almost won the last season is the “special guest.” He set this up as a one vs. a bunch. Trying to just make me run out of ammo? Ha, ha, bitch, I can’t run out! Need to conserve my SP when I can. Hold out until Sarge can get here.

Mattie hears boots, takes aim and fires. Her revolver blows a big hole in the shoulder of the sergeant, which bleeds pixels(?). Clank smacks the nearest grunt a couple of times, which helpfully slows the squad down. The smacked soldier clubs Clank and burns into pixels. Mattie dodges away, barely getting scratched by a bullet aimed at her. Whoa, that was weird. Rogue powers let me dodge bullets?

She tries the new called shot aspect of her new feat, only to miss the crit. Clank dropped another grunt, which is good. The remaining troops ignore Clank and target down Mattie. Fuck! That one hurt. Shit, Clank’s gone. Fireball?

Fireball may not be the answer to every question, but it was the answer for this one. The remaining foes are dust. Scooping up the protector (and having it fire off), Mattie starts to sneak down the other corridor. Gotta find a different spot. Need to hold out ‘til Sarge gets here.

Harland Sanders (dishonorably discharged)

Harland Sanders watches the firefight. He understands that he is dealing with a magic infested monster, but watching her take out an entire squad of expendable troops in less than a minute (and with minimal injuries), is frustrating. She went further away from the street, obviously trying to avoid the artillery support the tanks can provide. He sends a couple of heavy machine gun crews to intercept her in the next likely spot the target would try to hole up in. Every resource she expends is one step closer to taking her down.

Mattie

Well, that’s an escalation.

Two heavy machine gun emplacements, aimed right at the hallway she’s about to walk in. Don’t want to use SP, but I don’t have a choice. She loads an Ice Storm bullet and fires. Good news: All 4 of the gunners are pixelated. Bad news: 2 more grunts hop on a gun and happen to land a shot. Mattie dodges, but the grazing bullet hurts like a bitch.

Time for the shotgun rounds. Good news: the round drops the guy on the trigger. Bad news: the belt-feeder didn’t get hit and the sergeant is a damn good shot on the big gun. FUCK! That hurt like hell. I really need to hit both of them. Second shotgun round fired doesn’t quite drop the man on the trigger. At least after dodging the next shot, she got used to the pain. No more fooling around. Scorching Ray bullet is generated and fired. They burn.

Extra 546732MM001

“How goes the war, Colonel?”

“Our war of attrition is going slowly. She’s taken 5 bullets already.”

“Wait, she’s been shot 5 times with our souped up arms, and she’s still moving?”

“Obviously, the taint of magic on her means we are underestimating her. Next ambush, we’ll start strafing with the helicopter. Given her current path, we have a decent strafe run we can take.”

The extra smiles, then looks down. No, not her! Not the one who killed Nogitsune! I wasn’t told about this! “We got a bigger issue, Colonel. We need to drop that one, now!”

Harper

Harper got back to Honey, Glitter, and Nyadia and took the time to check on everyone else. It seems that time in these challenges are running way slower than the main Hotel dimension. She checks into the battlemap again and basically no changes occurred. Scarlet is safe, seeming to be conversing with her “special guest” over a screen. Josie is eviscerating dire wolves. Skye is sneaking around in the shadows like a proper rogue, Tina and Aelene are still in non-combat scenarios, and Mattie is going up against heavy machine guns? There is my next stop.

So, Harper is now in the middle of the street, facing 2 tanks, an attack helicopter, and so many troops. Well, that’s not great.

In the few seconds she has before the enemy starts to react, she teleports into the nearest tank. They can’t hit me through this right? Two quick close quarters slashes with Tercanonehtar and both the driver and gunner are dead. She knows the missile is coming from the helicopter and she takes cover from the explosion. The burns she took hurt a little, as does the resulting tank barrage and random rifle fire. The rest of the enemy tank crew were not so lucky.

It’s time to get serious. Harper casts Eilistraee’s Grace, then squeezes out of the wreckage to get on top of the tank. With the helicopter gone, the tank is only protected by riflemen, which are easy enough to avoid, once she begins the bladesong. A couple of slashes later (the critical empowered with Eldritch Smite), and the tank is severely damaged. The tank can’t do much about her while she dancing on top of it (other than trying to drive around to knock her off, which takes out some of it’s riflemen escorts) and a cast of Shield deflects the incoming bullets enough that Harper dances between them.

Feinting against a tank seems silly, but she does it while charging up a Booming Blade. She needs to lay on the damage. Another Eldritch Smite enhanced crit, followed by 2 regular strikes, and the tank is on it’s last legs, figuratively speaking. The tank was even kind enough to trigger the Booming Blade secondary effect by trying to buck Harper off again. Even with a Shield, the riflemen land some good shots, much to Harper’s chagrin. She grits her teeth and bares it. One more slash, and the tank goes down. One more Steel Wind Strike, and the rest of the soldiers start running. Harper doesn’t even care about the Booming Blade feedback damage.

Harper checks her battlefield map again and starts to run towards Mattie.

Harland

Harland is having a bit of a panic attack. The psycho blue woman that orchestrated the demise of his career, that embarrassed him in front of so many troops with that bubble spell, is here and she took down a tank with just a sword. In less than a minute. What is she going to do to us if she catches us? Harland is considering contingencies. He can abandon this mission, return to his world, and just live the rest of his days in shame. Is that better or worse than dying on the field of battle to a ludicrously superior foe?

Then again, if the primary target is downed first, the blue woman can’t get to him. They’d be away to wherever this Beckie Petersen has to handle the contract transfer and exit transformation magics. Okay, that’s the goal. The target must fall, quickly.

Mattie

Shit. Helicopter found me. And does that guy staring the wrong way have a grenade launcher? Just how hard do they think I am to take out?

Mattie has to expose herself by creeping into the courtyard, but she blows the grenade guy’s brains out in a single called shot. Right where the occipital bone meets the spine. His brainstem didn’t stand a chance.

Then the world around Mattie explodes as she takes a missile to the face. Even with the supernatural dodge, it definitely would have killed her without the silliness of triple digit HP. The grazing blow from another heavy machine gun also hurt. Those guns gotta go.

Mattie lines up another Ice Storm shot. Good News: The belt feeders didn’t see it coming. Bad News: The triggermen did and survived, barely. One of them hit her right in the humerus while she took another missile to the face.

Mattie sees the effect of Sarge’s spell cast before she sees her burst through the courtyard. A big ass sword floats right by the helicopter and slices it like some kind of **** field? Regardless, it looks like the helicopter will crash with a stiff breeze.

“Drop the shooters, Mattie. I got the helicopter!”

As that one kid from the commercial once said, por que no los dos? Scorching Ray bullet loaded and fired. Two dead triggermen and a slightly singed helicopter. Rapey has no idea how to use a machine gun; it’s hilarious. The colonel from Skye’s date (why the fuck is he here?) lands a good shot in Sarge’s liver and the sea elf is the one to take a hit from a missile.

Sarge slices the main rotor off of the helicopter in a single swipe of that blade. She cuts the tail off just for spite. Mattie chuckles and gets into position with one of the heavy machine guns, setting it to single shot firing mode. The room goes white and 4 people remain. Four people and a silver furred cat.

Mattie: +22 XP (Killed 15 Level 1 monsters, x0.053 penalty [overleveled], Killed 3 Level 3 monsters, x0.158 penalty [overleveled], Killed 1 Level 20 monster, all rounded down at the end)

Harper: +35 XP (Killed 15 Level 1 monsters, x0.043 penalty [overleveled], Killed 2 Level 20 monsters, x 0.870 penalty [overleveled], all rounded down at the end)

“Congratulations, Ms. O’Connor, Ms. McMattersen, on your victory. Mr. McMattersen, Mr. Sanders, a valiant effort that I am glad resulted in your defeat. You can take solace in the fact that Ms. O’Connor took way more damage than her previous endgame escapade.”

“Please,” Rapey kneels, “please don’t send me back! Have mercy on me!”

Mattie growls, “Don’t you dare ask for mercy after what you did.”

The cat glares down Mattie. It is not a happy glare either; it’s a “I don’t care if you would try to destroy me” glare. Once Mattie is sufficiently cowed, the cat turns back to the men to rule, “What I will offer you is a duty, not mercy. I wish for both you and Mr. Sanders are to return to Mr. Sander’s world. The weave will reform in at most 20 years and the two of you are to peacefully do things to prevent that from happening sooner. Things your governments are too set in their ways to do. I will give you a list of tasks and when they should be done. Or, both of you can go back into the extras pool. Your choice.”

As the men leave, the cat returns her attention to the two of them. Sarge nudges Mattie as she pulls out the DM tablet again. “Here.”

Mattie: +2 XP

That gives Mattie enough XP to reach the level cap. A little more HP and SP are nice. Mattie kind of already grabbed all of the artificer spells she really wanted, so she gets Absorb Elements and Alarm (because they are the first two spells she saw that she could take). Most importantly, she now can make and fire 2 cannons! That would have been useful. Sarge gets to level past the level cap apparently, so she gets a feat and a thing called an epic boon(?). Sarge grabs some proficiencies with her feat (Acrobatics, Religion, and Stealth) in “anticipation of grabbing some Rogue levels”. Then, she gets to tack on resistance to magic (something about getting advantage for spell saves). When Sarge pops away, Mattie stares daggers at the cat.

The cat stares and smiles, “Before you start yelling, I was serious. Those two will suffer worse trying to keep your old world from falling apart than if they just went into the extras pool. But, they will get a second chance at redemption. So, shall we discuss your exit now?”

“Fine, what the rules?”

“We hash out a final change of your choice. I’m sure there is something you’d like.”

Mattie thinks. “You know, as much as I learned to enjoy having Skye spank me at her pervy goddess’s command, I really only want to be spanked when I think it will be fun. And Skye didn’t seem to have a lot of fun with it. So, I want a way to absolutely guarantee a hit.”

“You don’t want to give up your blasphemous, cowardly guns, Ms. McMattersen? Very well. There will be a cost.”

The two hash it out. A conclusion is eventually made.

Steady Aim +1: As a bonus action at the beginning of her turn, Mattie can sacrifice her movement to give herself advantage on her next attack during this turn. If Mattie rolls less than a 5 on that attack (before modifiers), she treats the roll as if she rolled a 5. Any misses that this feature prevents will result in being stunned for a minute from orgasming after the shot lands (Rogue – Exit Transformation).

Once the transformation is applied, Mattie smirks, “Hey, can I have my coconut firing range here while I wait? I want to test my exit out, thoroughly.”

The cat rolls her eyes and her range appears. Alright, ladies, go win. I’m going to annoy the producer while I wait.