Empty Inside

[A/N: This chapter got re-posted due to tech issues.]

“Is that a theory, or just a really sweet compliment?” John asked with a soft smile.

“Not a scientific theory… but you had to have been given your gifts for a reason, one assumes. Those abilities defy the very rules of magic we have come to know – even gifts from the Aspects cannot create life as you can. That had to have been given for a purpose, didn’t it?”

“Why give them to me, though? If Gaia wants something done, she could just as easily come down here and do it herself.”

“Now you’re getting into Abyssal philosophy. Mundane philosophy too, if you follow one of their major religions,” Tricia noted. “Is Gaia not truly omnipotent? Does she not truly care? Or does she have some greater agenda we mortals can’t comprehend?”

Tricia shrugged as if the answer mattered little to her, though there was still a gleam in her eyes. “We cannot know until she returns – if she returns. You are the closest thing to a connection we have to her. If you were more powerful and known as more than a target, there might well be those who would worship you, John.”

“Don’t ever tell Yvara. You, uh… you probably already saw the temple, huh?”

The barest of smirks danced at Tricia’s lips. “I did indeed. Have you developed something of an ego over the last year then, John?”

“N-no! I didn’t mean for her to come out like that. I still don’t know how to control things. Hell, they’re not even all…”

John trailed off before the word loyal left his lips. He could see the curiosity on Tricia’s face, but there were a thousand things he could’ve followed it with that would have all been accurate. She might have had her suspicions, especially in the following days as she noticed Vallya’s perpetual distance from their home, but Tricia said nothing to prompt John to finish his sentence.

“There’s one other thing. I don’t know if it has any relevance to the issue with Arista and Farrah, but something happened shortly after the incident with the Albidians. I’m not sure how much Moira told you, and how much you put together with your drones. Did you, er, did you find out about what happened to Mithra while she was captured?”

“I was given a briefing. I don’t understand exactly what was done to her since I was **** before she was afflicted, and she was cured before I awoke, but I have some working theories,” Tricia acknowledged. “I take it something severe must have been done?”

“I don’t really know what was done myself, but it was… terrifying. She didn’t recognize or remember anyone. She attacked me when I came near, and she would even flee from the kittens and Maera when they got too close. Vallya said whatever was done to her was like her memories hadn’t been hidden, they had been completely erased. Like there was nothing left to restore.”

“But you fixed her,” Tricia said, voice as questioning as it was certain.

“I… I did. Out of a **** moment, driven by need. It was like what I did to Arista, except I was in control. I tried to get close to her and show her I was friendly, and she attacked me like a wild animal. She would have killed me if I let her. Before that she was so peaceful, so calm, but after what they did she was something completely different. Something in me broke at that thought. I remember thinking that she was already gone, and nothing I did could change that. I just wanted her back, I wanted the mother of my children back. So… I Purified her before I even thought it through. All that was going through my head was that I wanted her back.”

A tear fell down John’s cheek that he hadn’t even noticed building, hadn’t even felt until the cold air of the Brighton Manor chilled his skin.

“Somehow it worked. I don’t know what happened, but that Purify cast did bring the old Mithra back – in fact, it was like she got warped back in time. She became the same Mithra she’d been earlier that morning, and I mean that literally. She didn’t remember anything that had happened that day. I had to explain to her the attack, the ****… what happened to Seras.”

“That’s… that’s certainly something,” Tricia said, her dull tone and blank face betrayed by the unsteady rhythm to her breathing, the glisten in her eyes. “You believe you warped her backwards in time?”

“I don’t know… what I did, honestly. I just know that it brought back the Mithra I knew. Whatever happened, I can never be grateful enough for that,” John said wearily. “If I’d lost her that day too, I’m not sure what I would have done.”

“If your ability can heal ailments and curses we consider unfixable, there may be a great utility to it being able to affect humans as well. I understand your **** to utilize it given the ramifications of each use, John, but if I might be so bold, I would highly encourage you to experiment with what you can do. There’s no telling the limits of second chances you may be able to give, if you see fit.”

“...That wouldn’t happen to include yourself, would it?”

John didn’t mean the question in an accusatory way, but Tricia blushed shamefully all the same. “No, I… I told you already, you have given me hope that I may be able to open the seven eyes and fulfill my bloodline naturally already. I do not need to resort to such **** measures, at least not yet. I appreciate your concern, but I was thinking more generously for the Abyss. Something I fear has been forgotten in the chaos that has often become our lives as of late.”

“Lots of things have been forgotten. Case in point… we were just talking about how I kind of forgot to really check in on you,” John said, stepping closer to the bodysuit-clad blonde. “I know you said that me ‘not abandoning you’ was proof I cared, but you deserve better than that. People shouldn’t just settle for what they expect. How are you really doing, Tricia?”

“Your concern is touching. But I’ve had plenty of time to grapple with the guilt I felt, and your messages were relayed. I appreciate that even in your darkest hours you were still concerned about me. I…”

Tricia’s face didn’t move, but her pause was pregnant with thought and meaning. Even the brilliant scientist seemed to be careful about her next words.

“...I meant what I said about you giving me hope, and about Gaia having good reason to choose you. You mean a great deal to me, John Newman. That’s why this war has terrified me so. Fleeing to Britain would place me in the hands of an Order branch that terrifies me far more than Moira ever did at her worst. Staying, though… staying means that instead of fearing for myself, I have to fear for all of you. I have to be afraid of what news comes from the front every day, all while I sit here in my lab, unable to come anywhere near such a volatile place for fear that I will make things magnitudes worse if I lose control, even for an instant. As I have done, so… so many times.”

“You don’t sound all that fine. Need a hug?”

“I need a great many things, but I-” Tricia stopped herself mid-sentence, eyes turning up toward John. “...Actually, yes. I would love a hug.”

John fought the urge to do a double take at the unexpected words, his limbs trembling for a moment as he tried to **** his arms open. “O-of course! Come here, Tricia.”

John stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the blonde scientist with enthusiasm, his grip more certain than his poise. The light squeaking of Tricia’s latex against his clothing made him grin just a little, the sound something he’d never thought about. It was the closest he’d ever been to her, after all, and-

”Never forget that the primary reason I opened this eye was because of how much I trust you, and the hope that you gave me. Always remember that, John Newman.”

The voice in his mind shocked John as he heard it, causing him to jerk back slightly. But his recoiling motion didn’t elicit any kind of disappointment from Tricia – if anything, there was a slight satisfaction to her knowing smile as her eyes met John’s. More noticeable than her smile was the open, slightly glowing eye on her forehead.

”I hope that one day I can control myself well enough to allow you to place this level of trust in me in return.”

John stammered out something about already trusting her to do the right thing, but Tricia paid his words no mind. She turned toward the door and distracted herself with her drones until she was well out of sight, already tapping away at one holographic screen while clearly controlling several others with her mind.

“Well, at least she seems to be holding herself together well,” John muttered, shaking his head slightly as he turned toward Sophia. “I can’t remember the last time she used one of her eyes willingly… and she didn’t seem worried about it at all. Anyway, I think we’re done at the Manor, at least for today. We can meet up with Etriyya and Glenda and the others another time. For now, I want to meet up with Layla, and then we can go back home.”

“As you will, Father.”

John let a beat pass before he spoke, shifting his stance fully toward Sophia. “You are always so quick to defer to me, but… Sophia, I have to admit, I was a little surprised when you stepped up to defend me. Surprised, but not unhappy. You’ve always been ready to fight at my side, but it’s not very often I’ve seen you take the initiative like that. What happened there?”

“Eggs and feathers can weigh as stone on storm-weathered branches.”

“I’m… sorry?”

“Ah… I fear you may not have a similar saying,” Sophia said, eyes turning downward as she re-considered her words. “My obedience and faith in you is eternal, Father, but when you carry the weight of our family on your back through difficult times, it is understandable for you to bear the scars of our flock. You have been through a great deal and stretched yourself thin to protect those you call family. Expecting you to bear all that weight alone would be unthinkable, even for as great a leader as you. My protection extends to you far beyond the realms of guarding your physical body. When the horrors of this world grow too deep to wade alone, know that I will always lift you above the current.”

“I know I’ve said this before, but thank you, Sophia. I owe you a great deal.”

“And you have repaid it tenfold.”

John let the matter drop, a deep warmth filling his heart as the two of them strode for the Manor’s front doors.

“Come on, Sophia. Let’s hurry so we can go home. I want to repay it a little more.”

Layla’s mind wandered elsewhere as she gazed around her apartment once more. Her new apartment, rather. She was trying very hard not to think about her old home at all.

It hadn’t been hard to find an apartment, surprisingly. It had taken her less than forty-eight hours to rehome herself. Dealing with mundanes would’ve required a great deal of effort and not a small amount of greasing palms to move in so quickly under normal circumstances, especially with background checks. Fortunately the impending incursion of the Northern Ashes had left Springfield’s Abyssal-owned markets in shambles. She never even met the man who had sold her this property – he had settled for a quick phone call and a direct transfer of Mana Gems for the property.

She’d only intended to rent, but when he realized she was serious about looking for a long term home, he had offered a price she couldn’t turn down to purchase the home outright. It was a spacious place, nearly to the point of excess… made all the more seemingly grandiose by the sheer emptiness of it all.

Somehow, buying a home had been - well, perhaps not exciting, but at least satisfying. It had taken care of a pressing need and left her free to focus on other matters. Filling it with furniture, utilities, or even basic décor had been somewhat more… troubling. Even the most basic amenities were hard to justify to herself. Purchasing things for the house felt like she was leaving her old life with Tessa behind.

She’d done that once already. Doing it again each time she bought something was a task that quickly became untenable. Layla had only managed to **** herself to buy a bed after convincing herself that it would come in handy, if John ever made any unexpected visits. Layla wasn’t sure whether it was the return to Springfield, her distance from John, or her distance from Tessa – whatever the case was, feelings of what she had lost for her choice to leave had come back lately, with quite the vengeance.

What Layla found herself most conflicted over wasn’t so much the feelings that furnishing her apartment brought on, but something deeper. The knowledge – the primal, instinctual knowing – that Layla would have made the choice again, a thousand times over. Each individual piece of furniture was a reminder that Tessa had meant more to her than mere material comforts – Tessa meant more to her than a comfortable bed, a warm meal, even a roof over her head. But John meant so much to her that she’d left all that behind with only the slightest hesitation.

Even now, if John had come over and made a comment about how he wished he had somewhere to sit, Layla could have ordered an entire warehouse of chairs.

So long as he would sit on at least one of them.

Especially if he did so while she-

You better be alone

No I'm not obsessed

But if I catch you with somebody else

You know that I'm gonna be upset

The lyrics to “Pick Up the Phone” resounded shockingly loudly in the quiet apartment. Layla jumped at the sound and fumbled with her pockets for a moment, retrieving her phone as smoothly as she could. That ringtone belonged to only one man – and it sent shivers down her spine that only reinforced the thoughts that had been coursing through her just then. Layla took a moment to steady herself before answering the call, trying to level her voice and avoid seeming too eager.

“John, what do you need?” It wasn’t particularly neutral, but it was something of a trained response, after all the times that John had asked for her aid in hunting down the various outposts of the Albidians.

“Hi, Layla. I just wanted to check in on you. We parted in a bit of a hurry, and I didn’t have a chance to properly thank you for everything you’ve done for me – including coming after me when I was headed west. Without your help, there’s no telling what would have happened. I might never have made it home. I was hoping for the chance to thank you properly. Can we meet up? Maybe at your place, if that’s okay? I don’t really have much of a house, not in Springfield anyway.”

“I-I, well, actually I’m sort of busy taking care of things for the house at the moment,” Layla said, pausing a moment and wincing as she realized how dismissive that sounded. “B-but I’d love to meet up! I’m just… kind of far from home. Maybe we could meet up at the Abyssal Markets instead? I’d love that.”

“That sounds great. Any particular store?”

“Sure, I’ll text you the address of a great cafe,” Layla responded. “I’ll see you there as soon as I’m finished with what I’m doing.”

“Thanks, Layla. Can’t wait to see you.”

”Nor can I. I’ve been waiting to see you since my eyes left your figure.”

Layla let the last part go unspoken, giving her own cordial farewells before disconnecting the line. Even hearing John’s voice had her on edge; her fingers trembled and her joints practically vibrated with the newly restored energy coursing through her. Gone were the sorrows and thoughts of what could have been.

There was only John.