Don't worry about it.

You're still at a half-chub from that lesbian softcore show on the bus when you reach your apartment building, your dick chaffing against the fly of your work khakis and only further souring your mood.

You try to stop by the mailboxes before heading upstairs, but two of your neighbors are stood in front of them bickering over a package with a damaged label.

"That is obviously an F," a soccer mom from the third floor insists. "That is my name. It's my package!"

"I don't see any F," the college neckbeard from the second floor huffs. "I got the notification from Amazon, with a picture of this box. It's mine!"

"Notification? Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for thi--"

"Shove it up both your asses!" you roar, storming up the stairwell. You'll come back for your mail tomorrow.

The two freeze as you walk away, looking at each other awkwardly before putting the package on the floor and reaching for their waistbands. He's a little more willing than she is, shoving his sweatpants to his ankles and revealing his hairy junk to the world."Of course you're not wearing underwear," she rolls her eyes as she unzips her jeggings and peels them down her legs. "Hurry up and open the box; my kids are already late for their after-school tutoring."

"You would wear white cottons," he snaps back, bending over to rip the tape off the disputed delivery.

He has to dig through air cushions and packaging before he pulls out the treasure inside: a blocky pearlescent crystal on a long leather strap.

"The fuck is this thing? Where's my waifu?"

The now-bottomless woman snatches it from his hands and holds his head down to keep him bent over. "I told you it was mine. That means you're going first."

The pale young man reaches back and pulls his flabby ass cheeks apart, revealing a hairy hole that's clearly no stranger to insertion.

"Be gentle, mommy?" he mumbles under his breath, but she just smacks the back of his head before pushing the tapered end of the crystal against his winking sphincter.

"I'm not your mommy, you little creep. Don't you dare try to enjoy this."

In spite of, or perhaps because of her harsh words, the nerd's dick trembles between his legs as his entrance sucks closes around the bottom end of the crystal, nothing but the strap sticking out for the woman to hold onto. Before she's able to pull it out again, cum is already dribbling down his chubby thighs.

"I'm sorry..." he whines unconvincingly as he pulls up his even-more-soiled-than-before sweats.

"Just shut up and get this over with," she pouts, handing him the makeshift butt plug and leaning with her face toward the wall.

He hesitates, dropping to his knees and just staring at the bare birthing hips in front of him, then reaches out with one hand and cups one round cheek.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she shrieks. "I'm not that kind of girl!"

"I'm just trying to see what I'm doing," he lies, squeezing her ass much more than necessary as he pulls it to the side. "Not my fault you're a Pixar-assed milf."

She reaches back and slaps him.

"Stop being a pervert and stuff that up my asshole already! My legs are getting cold!"

He teases the crystal forward and clumsily wiggles it around her tight little starfish, clearly not used to working with holes he could see but couldn't feel. It's not even halfway in before she reaches back and yanks it out again, whirling around and tugging her pants back up.

"Okay, that's good enough," she insists, tossing the crystal back into the box. She starts carrying it to her apartment, then pauses at a trash can and decided to throw the whole thing away. "I'll just order another one," she sighs, then rushes upstairs.

The nerd stands there and watches her leave, and then a delivery woman comes in, asks for his name, and hands him his actual package. As he turns to leave, he reaches into that trash can and takes the crystal for himself.