Dirk Hinckley, Horny Redneck

"What the hell are these?" Dirk said, when a mysterious package arrived in the mail. He had recently gone under a paranoid streak. Joe Biden was going to usher in a Maoist New World Order. The latest assault had been on Dirk's bitcoin. Soon, immigrants were going to replace the straight, white, christian majority that ruled this wonderful land. Dirk himself was an American patriot, his ancestors had worked so hard to steal from the Natives. The package had no information on it. It was just a taped up box.

Should he call the police? They would probably just wait, and act an hour after Dirk was already dead.

He lowered his AR-15. Was it anthrax? A bomb? Maybe deepfake blackmail? Or maybe it was evidence that the democrats had stolen the election.

He exhaled.

Whoever had put this box here was playing mind games. He couldn't let it have power over him. He took the box inside and cut it open using the butterfly karambit switchblade he bought from a gas station three days ago. The steel blade broke, but at least he was able to open the damn thing.

It was dice. As well as a blank sheet.

"That's odd" he said to himself. He touched the paper, and instructions manifested. As well as a list of celebrities.

ROLL THE DICE AND SEAL YOUR FATE.

"How ominous".

Dirk had played a game like this, a Star Wars Roleplaying Game in his youth. He was interested. After all, they were only dice.

EVERY ROLL DECIDES YOUR MATE.

A grid of pictures appeared. They were women celebrities he found highly attractive.

1. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
2. Jennifer Anniston
3. Margot Robbie
4. Scarlett Johannson
5. Taylor Swift
6. Gal Gadot
7. Zendaya
8. Jennifer Lawrence
9. Salma Hayek
10. Natalie Dyer
11. Tina Fey
12. Aubrey Plaza
13. CupcakKe
14. Anya Taylor Joy
15. Emma Stone
16. Anna Kendrick
17. Marisa Tomei
18. Mary Elizabeth Winstead
19. Emilia Clarke
20. Rose (Blackpink)

"Well, might as well roll."

ROLL 5 TIMES

The paper read.

"And what are you gonna do if I roll six times? You're a piece of paper for crying out loud."

The paper didn't seem to respond. Respectfully, Dirk rolled five times.