Derp

"Derp!" said Lindsay in the camera as I recorded it. Lindsay was my ex-girlfriend. I dumped her after I found out she cheated on me twice. Not only did she not apologize, she shrugged it off saying that it was not her fault that guys kept hitting on her.

A couple of months later, I downloaded a hypnosis app. I didn't expect much, but after I hypnotized my roommate and made him clean the entire apartment and insist he be the only one to clean, I knew it worked.

I called Lindsay and used the app on her. I had her strip and do the derp face on face time so I could record it.

"Lindsay, hang up, take a selfie with that same look, send the selfie to the last ten people you exchanged texts with and caption it biggest derp ditz slut in town. Then face time me back."

A couple of minutes later, Lindsay, still in a trance, face-timed me again. "Lindsay, relax your face and tell me what your plans are for tonight."

"Going out with Morgan and Brooklyn to a club."

"Lindsay, any time a guy you find attractive talks to you, you'll make that derp face and hold it until he leaves. You'll suspect Morgan and Brooklyn did something to you to make you do that. You will realize they both have crabs and are very jealous of you. If they deny it, you'll tell them to kiss your sweaty asshole and no longer be friends with them. You'll tell anyone who is a mutual friend of them and you that they have crabs and are jealous of you. Got all of that."

"Yes."

"Good, now when you leave the club, you'll become very, very horny and crave my cock. You'll come to my place and beg me to fuck you. Now when I hang up, you'll have no idea why you're topless, have no memory of me calling you, sending any texts, and you'll go about your day as planned."

I hung up.