Daphne Actually Returns for a Second Part MM Review (And Airika Is Still Here!)

Daphne

Daphne is feeling a little hesitant this time. While her sore bottom has been soothed by now, the horror of Disney fan-fic has haunted her dreams. Still, she needs to win Gina as a friend, so she pushes through. Like a champion of smut and friendship!

Once again, they are at The Sultry Siren. Once again, Airika is drinking her grog. This time, however, she is not very interested in doing the review.

“We just read that nerd Noah’s story and you want us to go back to that Emrys wiener?”

Daphne stutters, “Jerry did give us permission to read one of his other branches in the story instead. How do you feel about a guy forming a harem in a Warcraft fan-fiction or in a ‘Skylanders at home’ made porn setting?”

“Pass. Does Jerry write a story featuring a sexy lady forming a harem of other sexy ladies?”

“Nope? So, you want to continue the review? Maybe we’ll find some more people in it to shove Emyrs lower on your list? Also, we are otherwise out of pirate stories we can review.”

The siren sighs, “Fine. We will continue the tale of some nerd play-acting at being a pirate. Summarize our complaints from last time.”

Daphne does just that, in convenient bullet points:

• Emrys is a guy and not a cute girl
• No mermaids (Daphne only)
• NO KEELHAULIN’ SCENE (Airika only)
• Pacing issues (too much fappin’ about)
• Pacing issues (Emrys lacks follow-through)
• Not much harem assembly
• Not much smut
• Emrys is incompetent at magic (Daphne only)

“Great,” Airika notes, “Now there better be a good girl-on-girl scene this time. Maybe with Emrys tied up in a chair and **** to watch.”

“That’s a pretty specific request,” Daphne notes.

“Liz would do it for me,” Airika retorts.

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Daphne gets to the title of the first chapter before launching her first complaint, “BOO! Jerry got rid of the ‘Well, at least I…’ chapter naming conceit. I liked that naming conceit! Now it’s all terms from a business glossary.”

Airika rolls her eyes, “Anyways, we have a slight time skip, and the ship made it to a goblin dry dock for repairs. Rowe helps with negotiations. Then we have what feels like corporate HR meetings. Oh, joy! That’s what I totally want from my pirate stories, offboarding procedures!”

Daphne picks up the narrative (and a pitcher of cooled salt water to pour herself a drink), “We have kind of a filler arc while the ship is repaired. Cog reports Emrys’s drunk ramblings. Emrys takes an hour to kill a Level 1 demon, then goes to make arrangements with necromancer Jerry (not author Jerry). Sosima goes to kill a bad pimp.”

“Which I think earns her a spot somewhere on the ARGG list. Since she is an officer on a pirate ship, I will allow the land piracy to count.”

“Sosima, Cog, and Emrys teach a pirate captain Pepper on how to seduce. Also, only 10 chapters before we get to our first sexy scene, which is a Sosima blowjob. Emrys ‘sells’ the island to the goblins, who kidnapped Rowe and want to **** her to make gobbo pups? Then Emrys gets hired by a pirate to go for buried treasure!”

“Hey, Daphne of the sexy chompers,” Airika interrupts, “what are the odds that Emrys gets one of those cursed sex-change belts?”

“Slim to none, unfortunately. And, if he gets one, it’ll have two charges so we only get him as a girl for a chapter or two. Anyways. Rosie gets a gobbo arm. They try an artificer heist; it goes sideways, between painting guards and the cat crew. Rescuing Rowe also goes sideways, with Dierdre taking a bullet. Both turn out okay by the end: Emrys gets his piano, Dierdre gets a fey species promotion, and they all make bank by dealing with a rival artificer.”

“Only 23 chapters of ‘being in port’ fluff,” Airika notes, “I see Emrys is still not actually pirating. Closest he gets is trying to rob the artificer. Is this guy just allergic to work?”

“I mean, at least he seemed to have had a list of things to do and he did them. This is better than hopping from con to con back on the first ship. And some of those chapters were crew character developments; poor Sosima, having her dreams ruined and becoming a Noah.”

“I would not have turned away that girl if she wanted to raise my morale, if you get my drift,” Airika lewdly muses, downing her grog to get another while the topless waitress is by the table. She adds, “Now, I am happily owned by Cap’n, so…”

Daphne smirks, “C’mon, Airika, you’d at least try to talk our Beloved and Josie into getting Sosima into the harem if you could. Or Sandara. Moving on, we got the crew traveling to Port Peril. Emrys runs a ‘kill demons for XP and loot’ scam while they go. It pissed off a sea god. The subsequent smite attempt is repelled.”

“They get to port, where Emrys’s family awaits. Dear old Dad-in-Law confronts the dweeb first. Then we meet the Ball ‘n’ Chain; she tries to frame the dweeb as an abusive shit with magic when he didn’t immediately cower in line. So, he starts crafting a plan to stick it to them. Dommy Mommy-in-Law interrupts said plan before the meeting. They parlay. Sounds like we have an overarching plot for a while now.”

Daphne sips some more saltwater, then states, “We get a super exciting infernal contract scene. Then Emrys tries to be a man-whore like Noah. Is that a list worth keeping? Best man-whores?”

Airika squawks out loud, “I guess we should read and see?”

“So, Emrys is trying to knock out as many ‘sleep with X number of women’ milestones as possible at once, so he gets a better reward.”

Airika interrupts, “Is this more impressive than Noah whoring himself out to an all female riverboat crew for passage?”

“Noah at least was doing it partly for the love of the game; Emrys is way too mercenary about this. He does pull off the stunt, despite being ****. Got some class upgrades? And hit by Geas when he decides to sleep instead of immediately going back to Dommy Mommy-in-Law.”

“So, Emrys willingly walks into - how would Skye phrase it? - The Spider’s web. The Ball ‘n’ Chain is still unpleasant. During the boat ride, Emrys made friends with the guards and started looking for teleporting devils to serve as messengers. Back in Drow land, the Ball ‘n’ Chain proves to be incompetent to boot. Emrys stupidly tries to fix her books. The devil messenger boy works technically okay. He sets up an escape attempt and a set of horny escapades for more power while he’s here; the former gets him locked up and man is the Ball ‘n’ Chain a nut job. ‘Here, husband, a gift of a **** girl brothel. Tell me when they get too old to be fuckable.’ Really?”

Daphne enjoys some more water, “And someone sent assassins at him. He does surprisingly well, for 2 v 1 while having your hands tied up, surviving long enough to be rescued. He then starts whoring himself out for his family as a ‘breeding stud.’ Hey, is this our third or fourth memorable sex scene?”

“Fourth, I think? Emrys robs the morgue for Jerry. That’s fucking awful. He then finishes his horny escapade, drugging and fucking the Ball ‘n’ Chain to submission. Oooh, a wasp girl like Honey…”

“We adding Shishe to the harem?”

“Dominatrix wasp-girl and our first technically girl-on-girl scene instigator? I hope so. And, hey, Jerry gave me two girls cucking Emrys while he’s trapped under the bed, which is close enough to him tied to a chair. Good job, Jerry! Anyways, Dierdre is now here to help the dweeb escape. He gets his guard buddies out of enslavement, keeping the buff rat girl because he could not unlock her hands (but it gets fixed off-screen or Jerry forgot about it). I hope she’s not added to the harem, despite the dweeb finding her ‘ugly cute.’ Actual escape involves those jellyfish helmets, levitating across town, and swimming. Shishe gets Dommy Mommy-in-Law good.”

“Ooh, Emrys turns his new courtesan familiar lady Ve’ra into a sea elf like our Beloved to get a gate open! Cute! Then she goes to seduce mermen. Mermen? Gross! What is with this Waifu Catalogue story and racism? Mermaids are unisexual! No mermen! BOO!”

“Damn, Daphne of the sexy chompers, calm down. Still annoyed about the punishment MM reading?”

Daphne nods.

“Then don’t promise me a good girl-on-girl scene in the yarn if there isn’t one.”

Daphne gives Airika a raspberry. Again, it is difficult with her shark teeth, but she manages it.

“Anyways,” Daphne says once she finishes her rude noise, “Emrys jellyfishes back to the boat, which is under **** by a bunch of goblins trying to destroy the ship while stealing best girl Rowe away. Sosima leads a crew of shark-people to stop the frankly ingenious teleportation harassment tactic the gobbos use. It goes sideways, then Emrys saves the day! And we hit the end of Marcie and Gina’s read for this go around. General thoughts, Airika?”

“Some things improved. Still not a lot of smut or harem assembly. Did we truly go through the whole reading with no one else added to the harem?”

“Does Ve’ra count?”

“Not until he sleeps with her.”

“Fair. Emrys seems competent as a caster now and much less scatter-brained, which is good. I will reiterate my no mermaids complaint. Mermen? Bah!”

“And I still want my keelhaulin’ scene, Jerry. Jerry hasn’t seen my ARGG list, so it’s time to update it.”

Airika grabs yet another cocktail napkin and rewrites her list. She even added Rowe to the list for fun:

1. Liz (Lustful Valhalla)
2. Sandara (Magic Pirate)
3. Sosima (also in Magic Pirate)
4. Hannah* (The Steward)
5. Rowe (also, also in Magic Pirate)
6. Emrys (also, also, also in Magic Pirate)

*Hannah is technically a sailor, not a pirate.

Daphne teases, “Is this the order of who you want to sleep with the most?”

Airika sticks out her tongue and lets out a squawk, “I’d prefer Hannah over Sosima, in that case. I got a thing for redheads, alright? Best Girl, Worst Girl updates?”

“Best Girl still Rowe. Maybe she’ll bed the gnome bard guy? Emrys is still not a girl, so he stays in his Worst Girl spot, until that’s fixed. Cursed belt, maybe?”

“Sandara is still my Best Girl, at least until Shishe joins the harem. Syl actually started to feel less superfluous? I’m going to swap her out for the Ball ‘n’ Chain as Worst Girl; I want to be the crazy one in the relationship, thank you very much.”

“And, with that, we’re done.”

Airika dusts her hands, “And, since there be no more pirate tales, I am off the hook for Gooner whelp impressions for a while. Pleasure getting free drinks off of ye, Daphne of the sexy chompers.”

Daphne takes the offered hand and shakes it, a little confused. The Airika pulls the mermaid into her lap and things got less confusing.