Dana DeMarr, A Police Office, Constitutional Rights

The loud music dropped the third time my partner banged on the door. I hate responding to noise complaints. You never know how people will respond, but given that they're the sort to have loud drunken parties in quiet residential neighborhoods, they're usually quite disrespectful. I was glad to be partnered with Mike Kowalski. As a mountain of a man, he gets less crap than I do at my much shorter size.

The guy who answered the door was drunk and possibly stoned. But he wasn't angry to see us, so that was nice. Not scared either, which was weird. Angry or scared was what we usually got with noise complaints. Hopefully he wasn't a smart ass. Or an idiot.

"How can I help you, Officers!" asked the greasy-haired 20-something.

"We received a complaint about the noise," I told him.

"Really?" he asked. "Who complained?"

"One of your neighbors," I said. "But that's not important. What matters…"

"It is important, Officer!" he interrupted. "I have a constitutional right to confront my accuser!"

Damn. He was right, of course. Most citizens don't know their rights, but when they call us on it, we of course have to respect them. It's the constitution, after all.

"Okay, you're right," I admitted. "You do have that right. Lori Landry next door called us."

"I guessed it was probably her!" the young man said. "Go get her and bring her back here so I can confront her. Forcibly if you have to. It's my constitutional right!"

I sighed. The joys of being a public servant!

"Come on, Mike. Let's go get her," I said, turning around and heading to the house next door, my gargantuan partner in tow.

Ms. Landry had been peeking through the blinds so she knew we were coming. She was NOT happy to see us.

"What are you doing here?" the 40-something woman demanded, opening the door in a frumpy bathrobe. "They'll know I was the one to call you!"

"He has a constitutional right to confront his accuser, Ma'am," I explained. "You'll need to come with us."

"I will not!" she objected. "You need to march right back there and arrest that hooligan for violating the noise ordinance!"

"Not without letting him confront his accuser first, Ma'am," I said. "Don't you respect the constitution?"

"What about my rights?" she demanded.

"Rights of the accused take priority," I explained. "That's basic Civics, Ma'am. If you're going to resist, Officer Kowalski will have to take you there by . Grab her, Mike."

Good ol' Mike did just that. He doesn't talk much, but the man knows his constitutional duty! Ms. Landry screamed and thrashed about, but it was completely ineffectual. Why do Citizens act like that? Don't they realize everything is better with law and order being enforced?

"This is for your own good Ma'am," I explained as Mike dragged her to her neighbor's house. "Once he's confronted you, if he has broken the law, we can arrest him. But we have to respect the process."

Ms. Landry didn't seem convinced. Once again, I was glad I was partnered with Mike.

The young man seemed much happier to confront his accuser than most suspects when we brought the struggling Ms. Landry forward.

"Thank you, Officers!" he said. "Please, bring Lori in! I prefer to confront her inside, as is my constitutional right."

"Of course, Sir," I said, glad that at least one person respected our role. And maybe his attitude was catching, since Ms. Landry sighed and stopped struggling and went willingly with us into the suspect's large living room.

"I guess it is your right, Wesley," she said. "But please make this quick. It's one in the morning, for God's sake!"

"It takes as long as it takes, Lori," the suspect said. "You're the one slowing down the legal process! Strip down so I can confront you, already!"

I raised an eyebrow. That didn't seem appropriate. From the pleading way Ms. Landry looked at Mike and me, she didn't think so either.

"I don't have to, do I?" she asked.

"It's my constitutional right of Full Disclosure," the suspect said before I could voice an opinion, which was lucky, because I was about to get it wrong.

"He's right, Ma'am," I admitted. "As the accusing party, you are required to provide full disclosure to the accused. Please strip naked. It's his constitutional right to confront you without your clothes on."

Ms. Landry sighed but didn't resist. She let her frumpy bathrobe slump to the floor, pulled her slip up over her head, unclasped her bra and let it drop, stepped out of her fuzzy slippers and then pulled off her pale blue cotton panties. The suspect eyed his accuser and her full disclosure avidly. I had to admit, I wasn't expecting Ms. Landry to be quite so curvaceous under that robe.

"I'd like to assert my constitutional right to confront my accuser manually," the suspect said.

Mike looked at me. He's not as familiar with constitutional law as I am, so he defers to my judgement.

"It isn't common, but it is legal," I said. "You have a right to proceed."

As the suspect proceeded to grope his accuser, whispering to her as he did so, I took advantage of the opportunity to glance around the room. There were two other young men and seven young women in various states of undress and intoxication, including an Asian woman dressed in nothing but her long black hair, swaying gently atop a coffee table.

But what really caught my eye was a Hispanic woman in a red bikini, inhaling deeply from a blown glass bong. That shit might be legal in some states, but this isn't one of them! How could she be using illegal right in front of the police like that?

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "You there, smoking marijuana! You're under arrest!"

"Officer Dana! " the initial suspect yelled out in objection, looking up from Ms. Landry. "You can't arrest Selina! How do you even know that's pot she's smoking?"

"I can smell it!" I said. "She's obviously smoking marijuana and she's obviously high!"

Selina giggled in response and then inhaled again.

"Your sense of smell isn't admissible in court, Officer Dana," Wesley said. "Selina has a constitutional right for you to test what she's smoking by you smoking a bowl of it and then failing a field sobriety test."

Damn, this guy knew the law better than I did!

"Fine" I said. "She's within her rights to have me smoke a bowl. But if I get high, she's going to regret it!"

The young woman blew a cloud of smoke at me as I approached and then giggled. It was totally marijuana! But she did have a right for me to prove it. Afterwards, her ass was mine though!

She scooted over to make room for me on the couch and loaded up the bong with green matter from a paper sack. She lit it up and I took a big hit. Might as well get it over with. The sooner I gave her her constitutional rights, the sooner I could arrest her.

From the first hit, I was sure it was pot. Not only that, it was a hell of a lot stronger than the shit which I will neither confirm nor deny trying in college. If Selina didn't have a right to my smoking a full bowl, I would have arrested her right there. But she did, so I took another hit and held it in. Someone had turned the music back up. That was nice.

I looked over to see that Wesley was still manually confronting his accuser. He was standing behind her, nuzzling her ear while groping her left breast with one hand, the other massaging her genitals. For all the resistance she had put up getting her here, she didn't seem to mind being confronted at all. I wondered if she had made the complaint just to get confronted by suspect number one. Citizens were so annoying!

But I needed to focus on suspect number two, and that meant I needed to prove it was marijuana I was smoking. I held my next hit as long as I could. I'm not a dirty cop, but there was no saying I couldn't do everything I could to make sure I failed the field sobriety test, proving my case against the young woman beside me.

"You're really pretty for a cop," suspect number two said as I blew out the smoke. "I'm glad Wesley made you party with us!"

"I'm not here to party, Ma'am," I said. "I'm just doing my job, within the constraints of the law and constitution."

I took another hit on the bong to prove it to the confused young woman.

By the time I finished the bowl, I looked up to see Officer Kowalski had his pants and gun belt around his ankles. Ms. Landry and the Asian woman with the long hair were kneeling to either side of his VERY engorged penis, fellating him in tandem. He was as big there as everywhere else, so they had plenty of room.

"Officer Kowalski!" I exclaimed to my partner. "What are you doing!"

"He's just asserting his constitutional rights, Officer Dana!" Said suspect number one. "He has a right to keep and bare arms, and that thing is the size of a baby's arm, easily!"

I couldn't argue with that. Where had this guy gone to law school? He was good!

"Are you ready for your field sobriety test, Officer Dana?" Suspect number one asked.

I grinned triumphantly and showed the bong now contained nothing but ash and soot. I know my job!

"I'm totally ready and totally ready," I exclaimed. "Totally!"

"Well, Officer Kowalski is busy, but under the Castle Doctrine, as owner of the house, I have a constitutional right to administer the field sobriety test to you as long as you're under my roof," he said.

"Fine!" I exclaimed. "You're right about your rights cuz you got a right to be right. Right? Right!"

"Right!" Said suspect number one.

I giggled at that.

"You're funny!" I said.

"And you're probably high," he said. "But you have a right to be tested."

"That's right! I have rights too, right?" I said, relieved that someone recognized a cop had rights too, for once!

"Right!" He said. "So stand up and extend your arms to either side of your body."

I handed the bong back to Salina, who gave my thigh a squeeze by way of thanks, and got to my feet. I was a bit wobbly, but Salina gave me a helpful pat on my ass to stabilize me. She was nice. A pity I was going to arrest her.

I extended my arms to either side, making a T, as instructed. So far so good.

"OK" said the homeowner. "Close your eyes and then touch your nose with your left index finger."

I did just that. It was easy. I hoped the test would get harder than this! Or maybe I wasn't really high?

"Good! Now take your left nipple between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand and squeeze," he said.

That was definitely more difficult. This wasn't how I would administer a field sobriety test, but it was his home. Castle Doctrine applied. I found my left nipple on the second try and gave it a firm squeeze.

"OK, Keep your eyes closed and squeeze your left butt cheek with your right hand while squeezing your right tit with your left hand," he instructed.

Now we were talking! I did my best to comply, but I had a hard time telling left from right. I squeezed just about everything with every hand before he finally told me I had followed the instructions.

Next, he had me walk heel to toe from the couch to the front door. That was when I really started to fail. Yes, I was high, but also I had to navigate around Ms. Landry eating out the Asian woman as she squirmed on the floor, painted with Officer Kowalski's spunk

Lastly, the homeowner has me name all my sexual partners in reverse alphabetical order. I think he decided to fail me when I included Ryan Reynolds on the list. OK, so I haven't ever met the man, but a girl can dream, right?

"So since I'm, like, totally high now," I said, trying to remember the rules. "That means that shit is totally pot… So I can, um, arrest Salina. Right? Right. Constitutional right."

"Yes, but, of course, Selina has a right to confront her accuser," the homeowner reminded me. "Time to get naked, Officer Cutie!"

I had totally forgotten about her right to confront me naked. I really was high. But that was no excuse. I dutifully removed my uniform and then my underwear.

At the homeowner's urging, Suspect #2 confronted me manually. It wasn't at all unpleasant. I wondered if we could get more suspects to go for this option. It beat the hell out of sitting around in court. And when she knelt down in front of me and started confronting me orally, well… I started to really, really enjoy my job! The best part of public service is being serviced by the public!

When at last Selina was done confronting me, I stood there panting and trembling, naked in the middle of a house party. I wasn't sure I could remain standing. Fortunately, the homeowner stood beside me to give me support.

"Looks like you're out of uniform, Officer Cutie," he observed. "So, legally speaking, you can't arrest anyone now. You don't have that right."

I looked down at my state of undress. He was right, of course.

"But you're still a citizen, no matter what you're wearing," he said. And as a citizen, you have the inalienable constitutional right to party!"

And that's how I ended up drunk, stoned and fucked in every hole. I may not be the best cop in the world, but I do respect the constitution.