Conflicting Emotions

The many scenarios John had envisioned for this moment were not entirely devoid of crying – however, Himiko was never the one to be shedding the tears. John's instinctive reaction was to wrap his arms around Himiko and cradle her, but he managed to hold his reflexes off long enough for his conscious mind to kick in. When he realized what he was about to do, when he thought about the woman who was currently bawling into his chest, John found the presence of mind to halt his hands before they made contact and initiated the hug he’d gone for.

"What do you mean, you hoped we wouldn’t meet this soon? You hauled me out here in your personal transportation, and it was made very clear that I did not have a choice in whether or not I accept the escort," John said, doing his best to keep a level tone, knowing that whatever strange behavior or tactic this might have been, angering Himiko could only end poorly – for his goals of seeking her aid, if nothing else.

"I did..." Himiko said, nodding and sniffling slightly. "I had to put on the best show of **** that I could. But I was confident that you were coming to see me... I have been following your movements for some time now, and given the events of a year ago in Springfield, and now with the Northern Ashes pushing toward your home, it was logical that you would come to seek my aid."

"So you've had other people watching me... others besides the woman you murdered as soon as she failed you?"

"Yes, I've been..." Himiko said, pausing with her mouth half-opened when she looked into John's eyes. "I'm sorry. You're angry."

"Should I not be?" John asked. The look in Himiko's eyes told him that he didn't need to state their complete lack of positive interactions in the past – she was well aware of them. Her face quivered, fighting itself as those tears of ice formed and shattered rapidly while she blinked for a few seconds.

Then Himiko stood upright once more and pushed herself away, shaky arms becoming steadier the more distance she placed between John and herself. By the time she was a few inches away, she was more or less back to her normal self... and when she raised her eyes from the floor to meet John's gaze, he saw the same cold eyes staring back at him that he'd seen during their last meetings.

"I apologize," Himiko said, her voice suddenly more even, with only the last remnants of her former sobs clinging to it, adding a slight warble. "I should be more understanding. I have shared little with you, but it's... so easy to fall into my old habits. To treat you as I once did him. This is not an easy thing for me to adapt to after so long, you see. The Shard within you has matured well, and after so many years without this stimulation, I have a... lessened tolerance for these feelings."

"Is that why you shoved this Shard in my chest, even knowing it might kill me? For mere stimulation?" John asked, voice oddly unaccusing. He was a little angry at the callousness that Himiko had shown him during her admission that it might kill him when they first met, but since then the Shard had actually saved his life on several occasions and assisted in his causes even moreso. It was difficult to be too upset over something like that, even knowing it could have ended his life.

"...Not entirely," Himiko said, her gaze unwavering despite her pause. The shadowy ends of her dress flickered uncertainly as the light in the room shifted uncomfortably. "There were other reasons as well. I needed to find one who could withstand the power of this Shard, yet one untainted by the chaos that consumes this world. I needed to find someone who could inherit Isamu's will, who could burn as brightly as he did, and in even darker corners of this forsaken world than he could. But... it's true. Even if those were not necessities, I would have implanted that shard in you all the same, John Newman. I have been **** by this world to become practical and pragmatic, but I am not selfless or without my own needs. Sacrifices were necessary to preserve what little hope and sanity I can maintain on my own."

"Sacrifices like the Order guards you killed? Like the woman you murdered in front of me?" John asked, his voice rising slightly. In spite of his caution over Himiko's power and possible temper, he couldn't help that remark before it had left his mouth.

"...Those were unfortunate circumstances, but yes," Himiko said. Her fully cold exterior had returned, and she did not show any signs of remorse as John narrowed his eyes at her.

"You call murdering a woman you hired just 'unfortunate circumstances?!"

John couldn't help it. Though he knew he was outmatched to a degree words couldn't describe, his wrath was not so easily quelled by such meaningless things as survival instincts. The callous disregard with which Himiko now reflected on her own actions was nothing like the woman who had cried into his shoulder only moments ago. In her eyes were brown pools like steel, unwavering and reflecting only John's own indignation.

"Yes," Himiko said, no anger or annoyance in her voice as she spoke. "I had to keep track of you somehow."

"So you'd know if this Shard took root? To know if your investment paid off?"

"Yes."

Somehow every time Himiko repeated that word, it became colder, harsher – as if she could only respond to John's anger by becoming even more detached from the world around her. This one was even more directed – spoken louder, with her gaze growing sharper yet as her eyes peered into John's very soul.

"I did not give you that Shard out of pity, or out of the loneliness and sadness I can no longer feel," Himiko said gravely, her body growing stiffer. The ice around her feet crackled and expanded, growing animate once more as it slowly encompassed more of the floor around her. "I did it because from what little I had gleaned of your abilities, and seeing the innocent bravery you still clung to, I thought that there might be a worthy successor to my late lover, Isamu. Tell me, do you even know anything of him?"

John hesitated a moment, unsure whether to divulge what had happened when the Shard of Bishamonten first activated to its full extent. Given that Himiko was now clearly growing more hostile, no matter how even the tones of her voice may have been, John thought distracting her with news of her husband could make things better... or far worse.

"I saw him," John said after a long pause. "When Ser-... when the Shard of Bishamonten fully activated, it was like my mind went somewhere else. I saw Isamu and he spoke to me for a while..."

Himiko's face didn't change, but the ice around her stopped growing so dangerously high, the sound of it crackling and expanding slowly quieting down. Sensing a chance to lower the tension in the room, John continued on with the message he'd been given a year ago.

"He mentioned you as well. I already knew about your connection to him, but he wanted me to tell you that he's waiting for you... but that you shouldn't arrive too soon."

"He mentioned... waiting for me?" Himiko murmured. Her eyes left John's face for a moment and drifted off toward the floor. Though her expression remained neutral, a soft light twinkled somewhere in her eyes, if only for an instant. The ice under her feet sparkled and crinkled as it swelled and parted around her as she turned toward the window.

"Is he trapped in the Shard?" John asked, placing his hand over his chest where he could feel its warmth even now. "Is that how he was able to contact me once it was activated? You did refer to me as your 'love' an awful lot when we first... met."

"Not as you are implying, no," Himiko whispered, facing John once more. "Binding one's soul is possible with incredibly high-level magic, but carries tremendous risks... and that Shard is not a proper vessel for such dangerous rituals. No, John Newman, he is not 'trapped' within that relic, but it bonds so deeply with one's being that a piece of them will always remain within. When the Shard of Bishamonten reached its full potential inside of you, your bond with it allowed the echoes of his soul to reach out to you. Even from beyond the grave."

"From... beyond the grave?"

The words fell from John's lips with a hesitance and hope so fragile that even speaking it threatened to shatter it, but he could not help himself from voicing his concerns. Himiko stared unmovingly at him for a long while, John's question hanging in the air as the silence threatened to overwhelm them. It was true – for Isamu to know he was dead, and to speak the way he did about seeing Himiko again, whatever part of him was there had to have been aware of his own ****… didn’t that mean it had to have been left there after his **** so long ago? And Isamu had even seemed to understand what was happening to John. Could he see all that John was doing, even now?

"John, do not let your hopes rise too high," Himiko said, sighing softly. " Your thoughts are plain upon your face. I am aware of what you lost. What happened to your lover, she-"

"The last time we met, you tried to **** her," John growled. "You will not speak of her unless you can help me."

"I was unaware of her true significance to you at the time. I wanted to inspire anger. I was... ****," Himiko said softly, averting her eyes. "I wanted to feel something. But you are right to be angry – I was out of line. I sincerely apologize."

"You don't sound very sincere," John scoffed. Himiko ignored his barb and continued all the same.

"Do not let your hopes rise too high, John. A soul is a powerful thing – from what we know, impossible to destroy by any mortal, and possibly for any but Gaia herself. But the divide between the realms of the living and the dead is vast and untraveled. Isamu was able to reach out to you only because of whatever piece of him remains within that Shard. If such a bond does not already exist, even the strongest of Necromancy cannot do more than mimic the powers or appearance of a lost one."

Himiko's fingers twitched at her side, as if she were grasping at something. As if she were holding an invisible hand.

"I tried many such... **** measures after Isamu's loss, but all were futile. A perfect replica, right down to the most intimate curves and markings of their body that only you truly know, is still nothing more than a hollow shell. Casual observers might be fooled, but feeling their skin upon your own? You can never truly fool the heart."

"Fine," John said, trying and failing to keep his voice as unwavering and unyielding as Himiko's eternal numbness seemed to be. "Doesn't change anything."

"No," Himiko agreed, "but pain doesn't go away so easily. And I am assuming that Necromancy has been on your mind much as of late."

"So... you know why I'm here."

Himiko's chest heaved as she took a long, deep breath before she spoke.

"I could not say with absolute certainty until you confirmed it just now, but just as I knew the only reason for you to come this far west would be to meet me, I too could guess why it would happen now. After I placed that Shard inside of you, I knew a day would come when you would seek me out. I had hoped it would be under... less unfortunate circumstances. Though you may not believe it given my past actions and moments of weakness, I promise you, John, I wished no lasting harm upon you or your lovers. I had not intended to see the Shard you bear blossom to its full power for many, many years... and that is exactly why I cannot help you now."

"Wh-what?" John stammered, annoyance and anger beginning to bubble up within. "Is that why you accosted me like this? Why you practically kidnapped me, separated me from my family, and had your soldiers tell me to my face that they'd drag me here whether I wanted to go or not? Just so you could haul me out here and tell me to go fuck myself?"

"You have no idea the matters you are trifling with, John Newman. Nor are you ready to face them. Know your place."

Though her face remained stoic and her voice stayed level, there was a certain aura that emanated from Himiko as she spoke, one that felt so dangerous it had John's hand hovering over the place he would have summoned his blade to if he were capable of doing so at the moment. Her posture and mannerisms took on a slight shift, and there was the strangest feeling hovering in the air. It was as if without saying or doing anything herself, Himiko had somehow elevated herself to a more regal and far less forgiving position.

"I brought you here not to lavish praise or gifts upon you, but because it was the only way I could protect you. Your innocent and naive attitudes will cause you great pain in the coming years, this I can say with certainty. I brought you here to put an early end to your journey, to tell you quickly that you are wasting your time seeking my aid. I will seek no war with the Northern Ashes unless they strike first."

"No, I won't accept that," John said, shaking his head. "You're the only one I know strong enough to defeat them, and I can't let them rampage through Springfield. I'll make a deal with you, you gave me this shard for a reason. I'll work for you, pay you, anything to-"

"This is not a question of trades, bargains, or any value I expect," Himiko said quietly. "This is simply not something that is going to happen."

"Then I'll fight them myself," John growled. "And I'll die. And you will have wasted your time and energy, and the Shard will be lost to you."

"You would fight a battle you know you cannot win, rather than simply move?" Himiko asked, her eyes gleaming.

"Things are... more complicated than that," John growled, not wanting to divulge the Order's internal issues. "I would rather die fighting for what I know is right than bear the burden of turning my back for the rest of my life."

"Good."

The word was spoken with a smile, though it did not reach Himiko's eyes. It was ****, perhaps for John's sake as much as anything. Himiko raised one of her palms and a slippery black shadow whipped around in the air above her hand, condensing until the shady magic became a solid object. A large but simple piece of paper, with printed writing too small for John to read from where he stood.

"I will not aid you, John. But I know someone who will be strong enough to assist you in these matters, who can help you win this war and protect your home. It will be up to you to convince them, however."

"Who else is strong enough?" John asked. "One of the other Deities?"

"No," Himiko said firmly. "And for your sake... this meeting is the last contact you should have with one of the Deities for as long as you can avoid it. You already have too many eyes on you, John, I-"

Himiko took a deep breath, cutting herself off rather abruptly. There was a disconnect in her gaze for a moment, as if she had lost focus and was staring past John, rather than at him. When she brought her attention back to him, she strode across the floor until she was again at an arm's length from him.

"Follow the directions on this piece of paper precisely," Himiko said. "As I said... I knew why you would be travelling here, and I already knew I would not be able to help you. I've already made the arrangements for a high-grade mercenary nearby in your name, she will believe you are the one who hired her. She will escort you to your destination."

"I don't have long, I've already spent days on the road," John said, counting up the amount of time they had spent. "The day's almost over, it'll take us another to find this woman... I had barely a month before we started the trip, and it's far less now. I can't spend weeks on a cross-country hunt for this person."

"No need. I know exactly where they will be... where she has been for decades now," Himiko said, quirking an eyebrow. "And time is not an issue. In fact... if my scouts report accurately, you passed by her not long before coming here. Just outside our borders, in fact."

John's mind pored over their trip, but it didn't take much effort to realize what Himiko was implying once she mentioned that his target was right outside the borders, and that they had already passed by recently. "You can't be serious... the place where all the disappearances happened? The destroyed city?"

Himiko nodded solemnly.