Comparing fears

Mindy and I eat together, doing our best to ignore the howling wind and rain still clawing at the house.

“Were you actually scared down there or are you just trying to make me feel better, about that, too?” Mindy asks between spoonfuls of soup.

“It gave me the willies pretty good.”

“Just willies, huh? Is there anything that really scares you? You watched X-files, right? Are you afraid of alien abductions?” I had come over and watched some episodes with Lewis when he was between jobs a few years ago.

“Good memory. But no, nothing like that, or anything supernatural really scares me.”

“What then?”

I groan. “My real fears?”

“Yeah. Help me not feel crazy for how freaked I get being alone for two whole days of my life.”

“Currently, I am afraid of my boss.”

“What? Really? What did he do?”

“She. Well... it’s more that I am afraid that I am going to get fired any day now and then lose my apartment.”

“Why would you get fired? You are such a hard worker!”

“My boss is difficult, to put it kindly. It is too much to put up with. I have been thinking about quitting just to work for someone else anyway. That is why I am going to work on my resumé this weekend.”

“I see. That’s too bad. I remember you seemed pretty excited when you started that job. I’m confident you will land on your feet, either way... That is such a practical fear. Don’t you have anything more primal? Scorpions? Drowning? Phone solicitors?”

“Heh... I guess I am afraid that I have already made a huge career mistake. I am afraid that the years I have worked at Wayfield have been a tremendous waste...in fact, I am pretty sure of it. I am afraid that my ambitions are too selfish... That I am going to keep failing until I have to do something...****.” I pick up a carrot stick and crunch into it glumly.

“Now we are getting somewhere.” Mindy puts her spoon down. She waits until I look at her. “You know you can always come to us for help, right?”

“Thanks. That is nice to hear.”

“No, I really mean that. Warren, every time I see you, you are always busy helping someone! You’ve helped Lewis through so much already, now you are constantly helping all of us. You are sacrificing your own gym time to help me get in shape. You mowed my lawn for no reason. Tonya says you are helping her with some video project and even made our internet more secure. I forgot to thank you for that.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand. She gives me a look that could be anything from simple gratitude, to something more complicated. I feel a little guilt about being described like a saint when I am really, really not. I look at her hand on mine.

“I think you are just seeing my good side. I...can be really selfish, too,” I insist, but Mindy isn’t having it.

“Oh, please! Everyone is selfish, but not everyone finds time to help so many people day after day. Now you are helping who knows how many people with this charity thing. Just know that I notice, okay?” I can’t help but smile at how warm her words and her hand in mine make me feel, even if she isn’t seeing my dark side. “No wonder you all those women are eager to date you.”

I almost ****. “Heh, no... None of them have seen my good side yet.” I look away and decide not to elaborate, hoping she doesn’t press me for details. After several long seconds she breaks the silence.

“So... Are you afraid of spiders?” Mindy asks, sticking to the original topic.

I shake my head. “Nope... just a gnawing fear that the mistakes I’ve made have already set me on a course that I am too stubborn to turn away from...and it is all fated to end badly,“ I say with a wry smile, then I focus on enjoying my food.

When my soup is finished I turn the question back on her. “How about you, Mindy? Your turn to enumerate your fears. Make them good.”

“Ha! How much time do you have?”

“Literally all day.”

She clears her throat. “Well then... I am afraid of being alone for anything longer than a couple hours. I can’t really explain why—if it is an abandonment thing, or what....”

“Um-hmm. What else?” I try to sound impatient. After everything I’ve just divulged, I want to hear a list of fears.

“Um... I’m afraid that I’ve given up my best years already, and the good years that I still could have are slipping away while I hide away in this house.”

I nod, assuming she is thinking about her divorce and the years following.

“There is the nagging parental fear that my kids are seriously damaged in ways I can’t fix. I’m afraid if I don’t start dating before both of my kids are moved out I will be completely alone. I’m also afraid that I’m not suited for the way modern dating works...I don’t feel ready for it.” She pauses for a moment. “I worry that I am a lost cause and that you are wasting your time trying to help me.” I frown at that. “And maybe my husband was right to leave me. Because of all that, I will end up all alone and terrified, permanently...”

“What about spiders, though?”

“I really, really hate them... You didn’t find spiders in the basement, did you?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of spiders in your basement.”

“Warren!” She throws her napkin at me. I throw my arms up to block the deadly projectile. I let my smile fade and give her a hard look.

“Seriously, though... Mindy, don’t ever think of yourself a lost cause. You are underestimating how attractive and fun you are—right now. I’m having a great time with you, and we are barely doing anything. And I am excited to help you with fitness goals, but I’m doing it because I’m having fun. If I wasn’t, I’d have to charge you. As for all that dating stuff... Actively dating is always a little bit awkward for everyone involved. The trick is to accept that as a given, and to think of first dates as becoming an acquaintance with someone. That is all. They could become a friend, or something more later.”

“And how many of your acquaintances become something more on your first dates?” Mindy smirks.

“Um...” I look to the ceiling starting a rough count, then realize she was asking rhetorically. I give her an embarrassed smile and stop. “Anyway...”

“No, now I really want to know... Come on, fess up,” she insists.

“Maybe ten?”

“On the first date?” Mindy’s jaw drops. I nod.

“What?”

“How many did you wait until after the first date?”

“Really want to know?” I should feel more uncomfortable talking about this with my friend’s mom than I do. After the intimacy of sharing our deepest fears, some of which we have never shared with anyone before, talking about sex this factually feels almost normal.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know... fifteen-ish.”

“Wow... so twenty-five women? I haven’t even made-out with more than five men, and that was a lifetime ago.” She doesn’t sound judgmental. In fact, she sounds impressed, maybe even wistful. “And you just—what, open a dating app and pick someone?”

“Many of the women were from meeting people in social situation, but dating apps can be fun, especially if you aren’t into going to clubs and bars. Some are very thorough about setting preferences for personal values, hobbies, and goals. Others are more focused on sexual interests, or just making a snap judgement based on a picture.”

She groans. “I don’t know. It still feels too weird to me.” I study her for a long while. She meets my gaze. “Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have soup on my face?”

I look at the clock. We have seven episodes to go. I doubt we will have the stamina to finish the series tonight. Instead of powering through, I could help her start a dating profile.