Clever Chapter Pun

Pssssssshhhhhh

John let out a small groan of relief as the hot water began to stream down his body, washing away the lingering feelings of stress and fear that clung to his body like the sweat of a long day. He lifted his chin, eyes shut as he just enjoyed the clean feeling of water trailing its way down his decently built form.

“You know, when I said your soul smelled weird, I didn’t think that would be a cue for you to take a shower,” Mavis said from her perch on the sink. She was cleaning her nails with her other hand, which had taken the form of a blade, all while offering side glances at John while he showered.

“An attractive woman told me that I smell weird. Even if it won’t help, my brain kinda did an auto reaction of ‘must shower to seem sexy,’” John said, reaching for his body wash. “Besides, a shower couldn’t hurt. Especially since this one doesn’t have terrible consequences if I drop the soap on accident.”

“Still. I don’t think a shower is gonna help the weird thing that happened to your soul,” Mavis replied. “That kind of soul alteration is just gonna fade with time.”

“You know from experience?” John asked while lathering up his chest.

“Well, after a meeting with Surtr, your soul tends to have that sort of brimstone and sulphur smell that comes with Muspelheim, but it usually wears off within the hour. Figured that ‘Horned Rat Smoke’ will fade similarly with time.”

“Speaking of,” Talia said, having just walked into the bathroom while fiddling on her phone. “How was meeting the father of the worst blight to ever grace Alfheim?”

“Surprisingly civil,” John said, reaching down to rub his legs. “I wouldn’t have figured the god of a bunch of screaming angry rats to talk so… I dunno. Intelligently? The god seems to have a halfway decent head on his shoulders. Without any skin on said head, granted, but still a decent head.”

“Just be cautious about him,” Mavis said. “Chaos gods aren’t to be trifled with. They can change at a moment’s notice, both in what they think about you and in how they want to deal with you.”

“I’ve never heard of a ‘chaos god’ before,” Talia said, leaning against the wall opposite from Mavis. “What exactly are they?”

Mavis offered a small shrug. “Honestly? Everything and nothing at the same time. I don’t really know much about them, other than the fact that they are made up of the stuff outside of reality, meaning they are completely nonsensical in how they are supposed to make sense.”

“The Horned Rat seemed pretty concrete in how he was,” John said as he got out more soap. “Not exactly paradoxical in his existence or anything.”

“He’s been around for a long ass time and has a lot of toes in the material world,” Mavis replied. “My guess is that in spending so much time in reality, he had to become less chaotic. Or maybe he just isn’t chaotic. Or maybe he is and we don’t know. Honestly, chaos god rules aren’t exactly something I am that well versed on.”

“Well, either way he gave us a direction on where to go next,” Talia mentioned. “You said that he told you to go after… Callie Anders?”

“Yeah. And I hate it,” John replied, putting the body wash away while getting the shampoo. “Callie was part of the group that tried to capture me alongside Brett, and when we first met she tried to kill me as **** for killing him. Or maybe she wanted to kill me because of my charming good looks. Or my rapier wit.”

“Or maybe because of your choice of soap at the time,” Mavis said with a chuckle. “Thank the gods we pitched all that ‘4 in 1’ shit you were using before we moved in.”

“Hey, those were perfectly usable in their efficient way!” John said, though a smile betrayed his lack of actual outrage. “Just because I don’t need, like, 30 different soaps for each section of my body, doesn’t mean my soap choices are bad.”

“No, your soap choices being bad is why your soap choices were bad,” Talia chimed in. “You smell like 10 times better using those new soaps than you ever did on your old stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Point is that Callie wanted to kill me right out the gate, and I doubt getting thrown in prison helped her reform into being less **** happy. Certainly didn’t for any of my fellow inmates,” John said before going to rinse out his hair, which he had just noticed was starting to get longer than he normally liked. Usually he had always kept his hair fairly short, but now it was starting to get down to his neck and towards his shoulders.

‘Well, I didn’t exactly get to visit the barber while in prison. May have to look into a hair cut soonish,’ John pondered as he began to lather his hair again.

“I can text Moira and see what she thinks,” Talia said before turning to look at her phone again. “Even if it’s just to pull Callie out of prison and talk, it might give us a hint to what we are looking for.”

“Since when have you had Moira’s number?” Mavis asked

“We exchanged it after the tunnel incident,” Talia replied, not looking up from her phone screen. “Figured it would be better to have each other's numbers if another emergency happens. Or if we need to talk about something. Or if we find a really funny video we wanna share.” Talia looked up to Mavis’ puzzled face. “What? I can be friends with the paladin. She’s clearly not as bad as the Order.”

Mavis rolled her eyes and let out a noise of disbelief. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

“She’s really not that bad, Mavis,” John chimed in, having just applied conditioner to his hair. “At least she doesn’t treat a shower as a communal activity.”

“Oh, what, do you have a problem with your two sexy girlfriends watching you shower?” Talia asked with a smile.

“No, it just is a bit weird. Granted it would have been weirder before the communal showers at the prison, but still has some weirdness.”

“Oh, but John. Aren’t you ignoring the advantages of having us here?” Mavis said with a coy tone.

“What advantages?”

Silence followed John’s question, causing him to peek out of the shower curtain and look at his two girlfriends, who had decided to both raise their shirts and flash John with rather sultry smiles on their faces.

“... Fair enough,” John said, earning a laugh from the two of them as they put their shirts back in place. John turned off the water, reaching for the towel to start drying himself off. “So what, do we go meet Moira at her place to talk to Callie?”

“We probably have a bit of time before Callie gets there,” Talia said, looking back down at her phone. “We could burn some time beforehand. Maybe go grab some Starbucks?”

“Ooooh, yes please,” Mavis said with a smile. “I just learned they have something called ‘the pink drink’ and I gotta try it.”

“You aren’t gonna just get some coffee?” Talia asked with a small smile on her face.

“I was around when coffee was invented. I wanna try the new shit you mortals invented while I was stuck in Beowulf’s barrow,” Mavis replied, hopping off the sink.

“I could go for a refresher, actually,” John said, emerging from the shower with a towel around his waist. “Ask Moira and Naoto what they want and we can all drink while waiting for Callie to show up.”

“Well, it will probably take them a while to go get Callie, clear her for being taken out of the prison, and bring her over to the mansion. Certainly much longer than it would take to get some drinks at Starbucks and finish them off,” Talia pondered, looking over John’s dripping wet body.

“So do you want to wait a bit?” John asked, using a smaller towel to dry his hair while he talked.

Talia looked over to Mavis, giving her a sly smile before nodding. The two of them then removed their shirts, once again showing their rather sizable busts to their boyfriend.

“I think we have an idea of how to spend the time.”

---

“What was that about?”

Moira locked her phone and put it on the table. She had been enjoying her breakfast when Talia had texted her with a plan of John’s. Turns out the mage had a little talk with another god last night and got a hint of how they were to find Lifthrasir. Apparently the plan was to pull a specific prisoner out of jail and talk with them as the god had said that said prisoner would have information they sorely needed.

She looked up at Naoto and her father, who were waiting for responses from her. Naoto had stayed in one of the many guest rooms at the manor last night after reporting on how the mission went. And honestly? Moira couldn’t have been happier that Naoto had stuck around. Sure, it was technically Naoto’s job so it wasn’t like she would have left, but after such a tiring mission and going down memory lane on her father’s neglectful parenting skills, she needed someone there at debriefing for her to rely on.

“Talia sent me a text about one of John’s plans. It seems good, so I am going to go talk with-”

“And what plan is that?” her father interrupted, having turned his attention back to his cereal.

Moira cleared her throat, sitting a bit straighter in her chair. “John received a message from one of the many gods he is in contact with. Apparently there is a prisoner that we have locked up that can offer us some more information on Lifthrasir’s journal and might give us a hint as to where to go next.”

“So releasing John was pointless,” her father said without a hint of emotion in his voice.

Naoto chose then to speak up, “Not at all. Without John, we would have never gotten into Alfheim and might have perished in the tunnels underneath the realm.”

“Which you wouldn’t have gone through if we had found an alternate way to Alfheim,” Lord Brighton remarked. “But what is done is done. So you are asking to release another prisoner?”

“No, Father. I am telling you that we are going to bring a prisoner here to interview.”

He raised his eyebrow at this, finally breaking his attention from his breakfast. “You’re telling me? I wasn’t aware that I have made you commander yet.”

“You haven’t,” Moira said. “But if I am to ever be ready for such a role, I think it would be best if I were to take charge more often. That way when I do take over, it won’t be as hard a transition for myself.”

Lord Brighton slowly put down his spoon before folding his hands together and resting his head on them. “You’ve never shown such incentive before,”

‘Yes, I have. You just never noticed,’ Moira thought to herself.

“What happened in those tunnels?”

Moira shrugged. “It wasn’t as much as one thing that happened as much as many little things I noticed. We have some clear issues, and our diplomatic relations with different places could use improvement. The skaven were invading Order cleansed tunnels, and if we had a good relation with the elves of Alfheim, that might not have happened. I want to bring a new era for the Order when I am placed in charge, and I think the best way of doing that will begin by being more assertive now.”

Her father’s face remained neutral as she spoke, though the moment she finished her statement, he showed a small grin. “Well thought. It is true, there are some areas that I haven’t handled the best with our branch of the Order. Perhaps a proper Warden can fix these issues.” He then turned back to his cereal, his grin vanishing. “Talk with Brother Santones about prisoner releases. He was the one who got Mr. Newman out.”

Moira released a small breath that she didn’t realize she had been holding, slumping back into her chair. She then pulled up her phone and texted Talia, saying that they would get Callie out for an interview. After a few minutes, though, no response came back through.

‘Hmmm. Maybe she, John, and Mavis are training.’

---

“HOLY SHIT JOHN, YOU'RE SPLITTING ME IN TWO!”

John grinned as he slammed his hips forward, thrusting his cock deep into Mavis while Talia wrapped her arms around him, kissing and nibbling along his neck. John reached down and gave Mavis a slap across her ass, causing her to moan as he pushed deeper into her pussy again.

“Gods above, John, I didn’t know that you would be this ready for sex…” Talia whispered into his ear before giving it a soft bite. “Seems like someone was pent up.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Talia, you’re next,” John said with a smirk while not losing the rhythm with his hips. Mavis just gave a low long moan as John pulled out before thrusting in again, and Talia bit her lip while watching.

“Oh, I can’t wait. But I wanna be on top.”

John grinned. Sounded like Starbucks was going to have to wait a bit longer.

---

"So, what game do you think Gaia based your powers on?."

John looked over to Naoto, who up until that point, had been content to quietly sip on her cold brew with espresso that John and the crew had gotten for her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you said your powers are video game based, and it was because of that basis that you managed to reawaken Nordic runes in the first place. So I'm just curious as to what video game they are based on."

"Wait, are you suggesting that the Lady… plays video games?" Moira asked, placing her brown sugar shaken espresso on a small table. "I'm fairly certain she would be too busy running the world to play some random video games."

"I mean… if she's all powerful, wouldn't she be able to run the world and play video games?" Talia asked before taking a sip of her cinnamon dolce latte. "I can train to be a badass swordswoman and still play shit when I'm bored. Fairly certain that Gaia would be able to multitask better than I could."

"I think y'all are a bunch of nerds," Mavis chimed in, already demolishing her second pink drink, this one with chocolate cold foam after the barista had recommended it.

"You know you would agree with us if you played more video games," John said with a smirk. "I guarantee that a couple more months of gaming and you'll be just as nerdy as us."

"I don't play video games either," Moira said.

"You also read about three fantasy series a week," Naoto said with a smug grin, to which Moira glared at her.

"I told you that in confidence, Naoto!"

"But that still doesn't answer the initial question," Naoto remarked, ignoring Moira's admonishment. "What game did John get based on?"

"I'm thinking Dungeons and Dragons, or I guess Baldur's Gate," Talia replied. "He’s got the DnD like stats with strength, charisma, wisdom, dexterity…"

"Don't forget libido, the most important of his stats," Mavis said with a chuckle. "Or at least, it's important to three of us here."

Naoto, Talia, and Mavis all gave a small chuckle at that, while Moira and John both blushed. The former turning beet red, and the latter only getting pink in the cheeks.

"But you don't unlock proficiencies by just trying random shit in DnD," John said when the reddening in his cheeks died down. "Plus, it's not exactly like the world slows down into turn based combat when someone tries to kill me."

"True. That could mean that you're more Skyrim in terms of design," Naoto said. "You do get good at stuff by just doing it, and you have to contend with real time combat."

"Pretty sure reality isn't buggy enough to be a Bethesda game," John deadpanned.

"Well, I mean you do have people that occasionally fall out of our reality into illusion barriers if they aren't careful. So that could be considered a bug," Moira chimed in, earning surprised stares from the rest of the group. She looked at them all and crossed her arms. "Just because I don't play video games doesn't mean I don't know what some of the lingo is."

"Aren't you all forgetting Dark Souls?" Sigmund asked from his corner, where he had been standing stoic as a statue watching them all.

"How the FUCK do you know about Dark So- no, ANY video game?!" Mavis exclaimed.

Sigmund shrugged. "Just because Valhalla is the afterlife doesn't mean we don't get mortal updates. We have computers and consoles to try stuff out."

"What, did someone give their computer a Viking funeral?" John asked with a scoff.

"Ever see a computer burst into flames?" Sigmund retorted.

"Touche."

"But to belabor my point, John has stats similar to that of Dark Souls and has real time combat as well. Additionally, he has infinite potential to do any build he desires, only limited by his statistics. It's not a perfect match, but I do think he is probably based on a combination of Skyrim and Dark Souls," Sigmund explained.

John gave a slight eye roll. "Oh great. I get to awaken to magical powers, and I literally get the Dark Souls of magic powers."

"Well, you did spend your first month in prison," Mavis said with a small shrug. "If someone were to have the Dark Souls of magical experiences, it would probably be filled with shitty times like that."

"Should I start lighting bonfires then?" John asked with a sardonic smirk.

"Please don't test reality's respawn mechanics," Talia said, shaking her head. "Unless you found a way to save reality and load a previous save, I would prefer you don't see what happens when you die."

"I can assure you, for the rest of us, that there are no 1-ups," Sigmund added.

"Duly noted," John said. "But that does make me wonder if I can do the famous Dark Soul roll."

"I'm certain with time you probably could," Sigmund said.

"I don't know what roll he is referring to," Moira said with a smile, "but I bet with some training and working out, you could easily-"

"Pardon me, Lady Brighton," a man in a robe interjected, offering a half bow to the Warden as he spoke, "but I was sent to inform you that Callie Anders has been brought in.