Checking the Registry

I sat in my car for a long time, staring at the card. I wanted to throw it out the window but knew it wouldn’t help.

Flaccid: 0.85 inches.

Erect: 2.9 inches x 3.5 inches.

I pulled out my phone and opened up the Official Penis Size Registry and looked up my name. Sure enough, my entry was already live. To my surprise there was much more information available than I had expected.

My profile had my full name, address, and my drivers license photo. When I clicked it, it displayed several options, flaccid size, erect size, min size, ranking, notes, and comments.

To my surprise, my profile page had apparently abridged data. My flaccid size was listed simply as < 1 inches and my erect size was listed as < 3 inches, I also had the “F” rating on my profile, with a little ‘?’ next to it, which I clicked to see what it would say.

‘An F rating is applied to men whose genitalia is ranked in the bottom 33% percentile. For specific data, click on the user profile’

I clicked on my profile and my eyes were immediately drawn to the “F” rating at the top, beneath which, in bold red text, was my specific percent ranking.

‘1% in penis length.’

‘1% in penis girth.”

'Overall - this male ranks in the bottom 0.1% in penis size. In a room of 1000 men, 999 would be larger.’

There was a section below, mentioning that this registry was part of the National Penis Size Registry commissioned by President Hilary Clinton, but there was a personal note written by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Dear Women of America,

Sisters, for too long we have downplayed the importance of what truly matters. Your happiness is paramount. You deserve satisfaction in all areas, and that includes your most intimate relationships! We need to stand up together and admit: Size does matter!

We've been gaslighted into believing we should settle for less, that wanting more makes us shallow. But I'm here to tell you that your desires are valid! Your pleasure matters! And those men in the bottom percentiles? They need to understand that they may not be equipped to satisfy a woman's needs.

The registry exists so you can make informed decisions and don’t have to risk disappointment or struggle with an unsatisfying partner. I encourage every woman in the country to search the database before making any important life decisions. A man’s size doesn’t need to be considered his entire worth, but it certainly shouldn’t be ignored either!

Thank you for supporting each other and refusing to set standards below what you deserve!

In Solidarity,

Alexandria

Directly beneath the message was a series of photos of my erect penis

benchmarked against various household objects; a lipstick tube, a travel size toothpaste, an Altoids tin.

I stared at the screen in horror, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I felt exposed in a way I hadn’t thought possible. It was one thing to have a small dick, but seeing it next to fucking Chapstick and put on blast for the entire world was something else entirely.