Chapter 17: Reality Can Be Confusing

Time passes Nyx talks with herself into not going to CYA. But Dawn is there to try and tell her that they could continue going to CYA.

NYX

It was her third time in a row leading the Bible study. She was surprised it got to her a third time. They sat around a table listening to a message played by Freya's phone which was connected to a Bluetooth speaker. Mike was the speaker. He said something that just made sense. She couldn't believe what she heard but she agreed with it. "A lot of the times when people leave the church. They leave due to sin, not belief." She nodded slowly in agreement with his statement. It applied to her. She left due to sin really. That's why I left. She thought. Porn and sexual immorality ruined me and I ruined myself.

She stood before them. More illusions of her friends, family, and foes. They surrounded her. Her other selves were nearby watching or talking among themselves. Trinity Demon was present in a secluded a corner of the room. Cin sat at a table with a glass of beer. Dawn stood by another girl who was hooked up to a heart monitor and lay in a roller-bed that they used at hospitals, it was Delta. She was unconscious, hopefully dead.

"I am still part of that pathetic Bible study. I am still going to their CYA thing just like Delta. I am weak." The silence was now in the room. They all heard her and all watched and listened. "I have been hanging out with the Christians. My friends and family. Our Bible study group. I have been getting to know some of their friends from CYA. Christians. . .I don't. . .I shouldn't let Christians in. They will hurt me again. That's why we must hurt them first. Create walls and boundaries that they can't cross over to me and so they can't get to us. There is still a part of Delta in me. I hate it! I hate me! I need more power to destroy her! DELTA! I WILL KILL YOU!"

Dawn stood up. "But what about love and family?" Dawn asked.

"Weaknesses!" Nyx snapped.

"Liar!" Dawn replied. "You don't believe that deep down. We don't believe that!"

"The Christians will betray me! Each day their God goes against me. There are moments when I want to return but then during a video game, I get a lost? I thought their God was loving? Right? But I didn't get a victory? He doesn't love me! He hates me! He proves or I guess she or both. . .genders? Whatever! Anyway! Their God is not loving! Video games are just one example."

"So what are you going to hide from them? Stop attending Bible study and stop going to CYA?"

"CYA? Yeah, I'll stop going for now. I need to think. I am in charge now. I need to think. I need. . .space. Time alone. Netflix. The Vampire Diaries. Writing."

"But family is important and powerful. The Christians were our family. Family is power."

"You say that Dawn because we watched or you watched a ridiculous show."

"It's not ridiculous it does have some power and meaning to it."

"The Christian God betrayed Delta. Betrayed me. He or it or she is evil!"

"What will this hatred do for us? What will stop going to CYA do for us?"

"What will it do for us, let's see, shall we? Remember that Christianity is a lying piece of-. . .CYA? It will save us gas if we don't go. We won't go. Mark my words, Dawn and the rest of you lot! The Christians will betray us. Just as their God continues to display his hate towards us."

"You have a plan?"

Nyx had an answer, "Yes. WAR." Dawn shook her head no in disapproval. Nyx bared her vampire fangs. "Don't try to stand up against me Dawn. I am your better in here and on the outside also. You can't win and Delta can't win. Only Nyx. Only I. Only I win." She looked at Dawn then to Delta who was still on the health stuff. She shook her head disgusted at the sight of them.

"Why?" Delta croaked. Her voice was dry and weak. Before she could say anything Dawn pitched in.

"It doesn't have to be war. We can return and stand with them again."

"Stand with them? The Christians? The ones who betrayed us? I won't. . .I CAN'T! I turned off my goodness. I killed or I guess wounded Delta. I am not capable of goodness."

"You haven't killed all the goodness in us."

"I won't!"

"Why?" Dawn questioned.

"Because if I try to do the right thing or what learned to be right and wrong from my Christian years then yes I am going to side with the Christians and it's going to suck and it's going to hurt. Trying to do the right thing and not sinning is hell. It's hell on earth. Trying not to lust is hell! It's horrible and it hurts! So I won't change! I'll remain the bitter Voss or the bitter Adams. I'll remain bitter and hateful because it's easier that way because I can do whatever the hell I want with my time and money. I have freedom."

"But you want to do the right thing!" Dawn continued. "I know it we all do that you want to be better than Delta. You want to apologize to those whom you claim Delta hurt. In reality, we all hurt them. We all are Delta."

"I am not her."

"Yes, you are! And hush now. Let me continue?"

"Fine."

"You want to make it right with the Taylor. You seek to do the right thing. You are also honorable. You think you destroyed the light. But it's still in you. Goodness and kindness. You are still capable. You could continue to go to CYA even as a non-believer ally."

"I am not sure. . .I am scared."

"It's okay to be scared." Dawn explained.

"But I am horrible. I am hateful. I say I am sorry to Taylor and to others then next minute I block them again and unfriend them again. I am a monster. There is nothing good about me. Don't say I am capable. I don't want to hear it. I want to be the big bad non-believer. I want them to fear my name. Nyx Voss. The wannabe vampire."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I want power. I want love. I want something that wouldn't betray me. Christianity betrayed me. Hurt me. Their God is evil. But then there are moments! MOMENTS! I find reasons to say otherwise, that their God is good and great. I am not sure. . .reality can be confusing. Anyway, I am done talking."

On the outsided. She checked her Facebook. Memories. Moments. She clicked on her manage posts section. The wheel icon. She pressed filters. Year 2020. Month October. Day 3. Posted By: You. She clicked the Done button next. Letting it do its thing. She found the post she was looking for. Her poem she wrote that day. When she came out.

Indoctrinated

a free verse poem

10/03/2020

You forced your worldview on me

Your perfect second born needed to be a believer

You chained me! You made me your slave!

But I am free! Free from religion!

Never asked me what I wanted

Always had expectations and rules for me

**** you for making me a prisoner

In between and heretic views on life

Two big drastic views on life

Christianity or atheism

I have finally made my own choice

I have been making choices you like

NO! NO MORE!

I am not a Christian!

I am an atheist!

You indoctrinated me

You forced your worldview on me

Now I am free! I am free!

Fuck the cage you threw me in!

That cage drove me made

You made me sick in my head

I want to think honestly

I want to be me

But you chain me! You imprison me!

Trying to make me your perfect religious girl

I woke up and see through you

You are not loving as you claimed

You were both my jailers

I found the key and I am out

No longer part of you

I am no longer a prisoner

I AM ME!

I have a voice...

I can speak...finally...

Religion blinds people

Religion hurts people

God is not good

I am a proud atheist

Looking down at the comment section. She saw a comment from Pastor Nolan from 47 weeks ago. "Delta, this hurts my heart to read. Haven’t spoken with you in a few years, so I obviously have no right to speak in here. But I can say I wrestled with similar thoughts when I was younger really wondering what this whole Christian worldview was about. And here’s the reality - some people really do force it on people blindly without and real intention and probably without knowing Jesus themselves. I don’t know who you had in mind when you penned this. But if you’d ever like to talk about this stuff, I’d be happy to. If I can throw my two cents in - here is one very important thought: It’s unfair to judge a king simply by his messengers. If you feel people hurt you, remember people aren’t God. He deserves to be considered based on his merit - not human beings’. Love you."

She sat staring at the screen. Reading. Thinking about it. She had blocked him shortly after. I was ruthless. She thought. "I don't want to be remembered as a ruthless hurtful person who hates people." She began typing up a message. Two messages.

"I am sorry. The way I acted towards you, Pastor Nolan. I blocked you on Facebook shortly after your comment here. I blocked other people, other Christians. I was ruthless. I thought I was protecting myself. And I wanted war. But I am reminded once again and thinking about the past recently. Christianity isn't all that bad as I put it as on this post. And you weren't the villain. I was in that moment up above. Immature and hateful. So much hate. The big bad non-Christian I claimed. I still sort of believe. I am sorry if I hurt you. Please, forgive me?"

"I left not due to unbelief. Not due to that. I still sort of believe in God. I left due to sin. I fought alone. Lone wolf it. And I am still hateful and I still have hate and I still like to say it was God's fault but it wasn't, God's fault. It was my fault and my choices that led me to that post and now. . .here. So sorry."

She sat there thinking. "Reality can be confusing. My life can be confusing. I am a mess."