Cathy Is Your Friend

I recognize the pleading in my voice and I hate the sound of it. I've done too much begging in my life and I thought that I was through with it.

"Really, Alex, does it mean that much to you?"

"Cathy, I'm just trying to keep you from getting hypothermia; it's darn cold up here and I can hardly stand it without a hat and some gloves."

She takes a moment in silence, then takes a deep breath of the frigid air and stares up at the stars. Figuring that the conversation is shifting from the ocean to the stars, I lock my fingers together and make a sort of pillow behind my head so that I can gaze upward more comfortably.

"I love it here. Just here, now, without anything else to worry about," she says.

I pause before responding to her statement, trying to think of what to say. It's been a long time since I felt anything approaching love. Hell, I haven't felt anything but fucking rage since I lost Mira... but, no, that's not true. I've felt a whole metric fuck-ton of remorse, regret, and, worst of all, apathy, which I'm not really sure if one feels or if it's just the utter lack of feeling whose void has consumed my recent days.

As my mind races through my conflicted feelings, Cathy shivers and scoots next to me. Unconsciously, I lean into her and bring my hands from behind my head to wrap around her.

It takes me a minute to realize that maybe this isn't how two friends act. Fuck, am I giving her mixed signals? Dammit, I'm too conflicted to deal with a relationship/friendship/whatever-the-Hell-we-have.

"If you want to go in, we can, but now that you're here, I don't really want to be alone right now."

Fuck... I totally gave her the wrong signal.

Trying to think of the only thing that will extricate me from this mess, I ask, "Do you really want to know how I ended up here?"

She silently nods, her head pressed against my chest.

"Okay, then let's go inside. For this, I'm going to need a drink."