Can't Let It Go

For a solid thirty seconds Mei and I just sit looking at each other. Her dark eyes weren’t just seeing me, they were studying me and with each second of silence I felt as if another layer was peeled away to let her peer deeper into my soul.

“Ahem.” I squirm. “So…”

“Wait.” She says, her voice just loud enough to hear but soft enough to force me to focus entirely upon it to make it out. “Not yet.”

“Right.”

We fall back into silence. Though the bar was raucous around us our table was a bubble of quietude. It left me uneasy. A lack of conversation came with an abundance of thoughts as the silence was anything but. What was she doing? What was she thinking? Why was she staring at me like that? Had I said something wrong? This was weird, right? This was definitely weird.

Without realizing it I had begun to pick at at little crack on the table with my nail. Mei puts her hand on mine and flattens it against the wood. She holds it there firmly for a couple of seconds before letting go.

“Oh! Right.” I laugh. She doesn’t. She just stares.

Again comes the dreaded silence along with the dreaded thoughts as my revving mind simply HAD to fill the empty space with something. FUCK! What kind of date was this? Why was she doing this? Though my hands remain still my knee begins to bounce beneath the table. Again Mei brings my fidgeting to a stop by reaching under the table to grab my knee and hold it still. I stop. She gives it a squeeze…the slides her hand higher up my thigh to give another squeeze!? I cock a brow and tilt my head. With the world’s tiniest smirk she brings her hand back into sight.

Was she playing with me? She was! This was…good?

Once more we return to silence, once more I squirm, once more she studies my every twitch. When I could not stand it anymore I say, reflexively. “This reminds me of the time…” I flinch. “Sorry.”

“Isn’t it tiring?” Mei asks.

“Tiring?”

“Being ‘on’ all the time.”

“I’ve got plenty time to be ‘off’ when I’m six feet under.” I quip. “So anyway, like I was saying, this reminds me of the time when…” My voice fades as I could feel her energy shift. “Oh, uh, right.”

“You don’t have to entertain me, Dusty.”

“I wasn’t entertaining, I was just…talkin.”

Her shoulders relax as she leans across to look at me more closely. “Then tell me something real, Dusty.”

“Real?”

“Anything.” She says. “Such as, why do you buy worthless baseball cards for your brother?”

I grin. “Because Ric is the man. The man of the hour, a tower of power, too…” The old lines roll off the tongue but this time I could hear the paper thin glibness in my tone. “…sweet to be sour.” I squirm and clear my throat. “Because Ric is my hero. I…um…I love him.”

Something in her softens as she says. “That’s real.”

I stare at her a moment, at a loss as to what to say. Our first date, if that is even what it was, was all of ten minutes old and she already had me saying things I hadn’t shared with my longest lasting girlfriend. In her eyes I saw no judgment only genuine curiosity.

“He, uh, really likes baseball. Especially the Braves.” Pulling my phone out I find one of my favorite photos of my brother and I. It was taken not long before my exile. In Braves jerseys we are hugging and facing the camera, which I was holding out at arm’s length. Ric’s face shone with joy as he hugged me in that unabashed way he had of holding absolutely nothing back. After hesitating a moment I show Mei.

As she looks at the photo I watch her closely, waiting for that moment of recognition at Ric’s down syndrome that was bound to follow. To my shock that moment never comes. No widening of the eyes, no shift to a condescending tone, no false sympathy. “I’ve never seen so much red hair and freckles in all my life.”

I laugh. “Yeah.” I say, looking at the photo of the happy Radley brothers. “Just a couple of Scotch-Irish Southern boys ready to raise some hell.” Slipping my phone away I say. “Those cards are going to make his whole month.”

“I guess they weren’t so worthless after all.” She says, then after a pause adds. “I could have squeezed at least twenty bucks out of you.”

“Ha ha ha!” I laugh, a deep and real laugh from my soul. “Probably more.”

“I never was much of a business woman.” She smiles that non-smile of hers.

Pointing at her I say. “You are a lot funnier that you pretend to be.”

“Am I?” She says with a twinkle.

We fall quiet again, but this time the awkwardness was gone. In the comfortable silence I began to notice her beauty once more and how her ample bosom filled her dress and how those glasses did nothing to hide the hunger with which she looked at me. There was definitely a physical component to her interest in me. I’d seen that lustful look many times before, though never one quite so dark and powerful. She didn’t just want to fuck me, she wanted to DEVOUR me. Though she was keeping that desire held close to her chest. Had I not been as experienced as I was I would have missed it. It seemed she had a thing for chatty red heads. Thank you God! In those moments when her lust did peek through all I could think about was the way she had grabbed my hips and moved me back at the store and the way she had gripped my leg to stop it from bouncing beneath the table. What would she be like in bed? Around us people laughed and talked and the music played but all I saw and heard was Mei. The more her mask melted the more it revealed that aching beauty beneath it. I realize it wasn’t her sorrow on the bridge that had taken my breath away, it was her. The real her.

Eventually I say. “Since we’re talking real here. Yesterday, at the shop, I, um…I had heard something about you having a sister. I didn’t know the whole story. I was just trying to make conversation.”

“So you know.”

“Yeah.” I say softly. “Terry told me.”

She nods. “You were bound to find out.”

“I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t know.”

“I know, Dusty.” She says. “It’s okay.”

Those two words, ‘it’s okay’, hit deep. Not so much the words themselves but the honesty in which they were spoken. They were words I usually heard from my mother. But unlike Mom I had just shared something with Mei without the worry of being the emotional straw that might break her overburdened back. I smile and so does she, if only for a moment. For those precious few seconds my heart sings!

The pizza and wings arrive, neither of us even glancing toward the waitress as she serves us. Eyes locked together we eat our food and sip our beers. When we did talk it meant something, when I laughed it came from the gut, and when we touched sparks would fly. But the best part, the very best part, was when I would begin to flirt only to watch her get flustered and continue to insist that this was just an innocent dinner. For a woman how insisted on keeping it ‘real’ she was one hell of a hypocrite…and it was adorable! I had to remind myself that for all her quiet confidence Mei was not experienced in the ways of men. According to Terry she hadn’t even had a boyfriend before. It was quite possible that I was dealing with a virgin here.

We continue with the flirting light and the conversation sparse yet between us an energy crackled. I had been on scores of dates in my time and none of them had prepared me for Mei. All my well practiced moves weren’t simply useless, they seemed altogether out of place with her. Somehow it just felt wrong to try to dazzle her with sharply honed lines. That felt too…cheap. I wanted her respect. With Mei I found I didn’t want to be slick. I wanted to be liked. I didn’t want to squirrel my way into her bed by hook or crook. I wanted to earn my invitation. And strangest of all…I didn’t even care if I got laid tonight. I wouldn’t say no, of course, but for some reason it ranked well down on my list of hopes for the evening. All I really wanted was for things to end well so that we might do this again. With just some glances and few words Mei had me feeling things I’d never felt before, things a drifter shouldn’t be feeling. Somewhere deep inside I knew I was in trouble and I just didn’t care.

With the trays empty and the pitcher drained I find myself going on about the time I got a flat tire down in Florida just as hurricane Helene was roaring in. Halfway into it I pause and say. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

“It’s okay.” She says, eyes twinkling. “I’m getting used to it.” She sits and listens to my harrowing tale, eventually letting out that laugh I’d been chasing all night at the finale.

“Another pitcher?” I ask.

She takes a breath and sits tall. “No. I should be getting home.”

“Sure.” I say. Pulling the bill toward her she begins to search through her handbag. “Hey now, you said we’d split it.”

“I lied.” She says bluntly. “You’re new to town. Consider this South Dakota hospitality.”

“Well, thank you.” I say, then with a roguish grin add. “I’ll get it next time.” She glances up to meet my gaze to acknowledge the comment but says nothing.

Whether it was an official ‘date’ or simply a dinner between budding friends the night had gone wonderfully. In all the wild times I’d had over the past few years I could rarely remember an evening I had enjoyed so much. And it possible our night wasn’t over. When I tell her that I would walk her home she accepts it without protest. All in all it was perfect. Until…

We are making our way toward the door when I catch a pair of voices behind me.

“Wasn’t he in here with Cassidy last night?” One says.

Thankfully Mei was a couple of steps ahead of me and I didn’t think she could make them out. I soon wished I hadn’t heard them either as the other one replies.

“From the town slut to the town retard, this guy sure knows how to pick’em.”

My muscles lock, my steps frozen mid-stride, as I hear THAT word. That…fucking…word! I try to focus on Mei, watching her reach open the door then looking behind in confusion as to why I’d stopped. Let it go, Dusty. They were a pair of idiots. Nobodies. These assholes weren’t fit to tie Ric’s shoes. They didn’t even know Ric! The night was going so good. Let it go! LET IT GO! The voice of reason however had no hold on me now as a rage born from countless cruel comments and schoolyard teasing takes hold. My hands balling into fists at my side I slowly turn around, my gaze zeroing in on the voice’s I’d heard. A pair of country boys yucking it up. They wouldn’t be laughing for long.

Locking eyes with the one I knew had made the comment I say in a low growl. “What did you just say?”