Caleb Ward, 26 yo Agoraphobic Voice Actor, by royalgambler

“Well, Gina, I hope you are ready because we are returning once more to the wonderful world of Harem Hotel.”

“Course we do. Which of the shits are we covering this time? Lemme guess, it’s cow-guy again.”

“No, Gina. This is a new author”

“Another one? I swear, these guys are like cockroaches.”

“Well, Harem Hotel is a very popular story. Currently Top Seven even. It is a matter of course that every dreg wants to write for it.”

“Ugh, is it at least the season with the Devil or were all the guys got turned into girls?”

“No, Gina.”

“Ugggghhh..”

“Yes, I would have liked to read the Body Control one as well, but alas, we are tasked with reading Caleb Ward, 26 yo Agoraphobic Voice Actor, by royalgambler”

“Agrarophobic? What he’s scared of farmers?”

“No, Gina, Agoraphobic.”

“???”

“It means having a fear of wide places.”

“That’s even dumber!”

“Gina, phobias are not rational.”

“Like your fear of bad grammar.”

“No, that one is very rational. But enough foreplay, let us begin.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

and all those petty humans won’t know what him them.”

and he could avoid the inevitable conversation that would follow as it di whenever his father saw him lately.

but the smell coming from it indicated it low longer was edible.

and in a voice that was chipper beyond how she was feeling write now began to speak.

“H-Hm…”

“Oh, fucking hell, Marcie. Not again! We just did that stupid routine last time!”

“F-Fear not, Gina. I can handle grammatical incontinence of this level. Introductions, if you please.”

“Story starts as usual, by getting introduced to this seasons host, Lucy. Despite the name, he’s male. Why is he male, Marcie?”

“What do you mean, Gina?”

“Aren’t hosts supposed to be hot, sexy females?”

“No, Gina.”

“I’m pretty sure every single season so far was hosted by a hot, sexy female host, Marcie.”

“Well, Lucy is at least one of those things.”

“...”

“And we had a male host before. Remember Al?”

“Regrettably yes, but even he shared the spotlight with Ruby. This prick is the single host! That should be illegal! Get bent! You fiery fuck!”

“I am sure he will, Gina. But instead, what about the master? We got a picture and would you look at that, it is even centered. This branch might be promising.”

Caleb shook his head and reentered his room, catching the mirror on his still-open closet door. There stood a gangly-looking bastard in a tracksuit with shaggy black hair, an unshaven face, shadows under his eyes, and freckles partially hidden by glasses over his stony blue eyes.

“This dweeb looks like he has three faces mashed into one.”

“Be nice, Gina.”

Then in a puff of smoke, a figure appeared, an olive-skinned man of strong stature, with swept back thick black hair dressed in some form of checkered black and red suit and holding a long wooden stick. There was something off as he smiled, the man had distinct sharp canines, and his eyes…the sclera was black and his irises shone gold with eerie light.

“So far the author got to great lengths to describe the dudes. Is this a gay season, Marcie? You know how I feel about the gays.”

“Gina, we are not even past the first chapter. And look, after host and master are dealt with, we even get acquainted to a cute assistant.”

“About time.”

“Naturally, the harem is next. We are introduced to them in the usual way; A quick vignette into their lives and then off to the races.”

“Ugh. Can’t these writers do something new for once?”

“Evidently not, as our harem brings with it an assortment of the usual suspects. We got the ex-girlfriend, the bully, the boss, the tomboy, the older professor...”

“FIVESEVEN YEARS!”

“Those breasts can not be natural.”

Professor Eliza Dawson was rewarded with an awkward smattering of chuckles as she removed her coat and winter hat. Underneath, the 57-year-old woman was wearing a plain t-shirt under a cardigan and some jeans. She had a matronly figure, her long blonde hair had streaks of white and her breasts had begun to sag but that did little to diminish the spark of beauty in the woman’s face behind her glasses.

“Holy fuck, that’s a new record! I know the fucks who write Harem Hotel have an old people fetish but this is obscene. Everybody hates old people! First a bunch of gay guys and now this granny! The fucks’ wrong with this author?”

“Oh, dear.”

“Fucking hell! Did that cougar chaser just look at cow-guy’s story and went oh boy I can do worse!”

“Are you talking about breasts or age, Gina?”

“Both.”

“Ah, how about we continue? There are still a few characters to go through.”

“Yeah, there’s also the fat one. Because of course there’s also a fat one. Say, when was the last time you went to the doctor, Gambler? Because, I don’t want to alarm you, but you probably have brain AIDS, SINCE YOU CLEARLY GOT FUCKED IN THE HEAD!”

“Gina.”

“Fine. So, Homo Fire Bird goes and explains the rules and wow, he really despises his job, huh? This guy barely manages to contain his unbridled rage towards everything!”

“Sensing a kindred spirit perhaps, Gina?”

“Oh, don’t you even fucking insinuate this.”

Lucian looks over his notes, appearing a notepad out of seemingly nowhere as he thumbs through. “You earn BP through the bounty board as well as the polls at the start of the competition and after each challenge. The first poll starts today and is the popularity poll…very basic shit if the audience likes you you get 5 BP for every 3% of the audience votes for you, simple.”

“Unfortunately, Lucy’s **** distaste towards his new gig does affect his performance. Thus, we are getting a very dry and ho hum explanation of the rules. The rules portion tend to be pretty boring, in particular because they are the same among most Harem Hotel stories, which is why I think it is an important duty of the writer to ensure this section remains entertaining.”

“At least we get to the transformations right after.”

“Ah yes, what do you think of them, Gina?”

“They are alright, I guess. The boss had a pity TF’s and the bully had a breeder tf, so of course these one were guaranteed picks.”

“Indeed. I personally would have preferred the one that makes her follow orders...”

“The audience almost fucked over the tomboy by turning her into a bimbo, but Lucy vetoed and turned her into some red demon thing instead. Thank fuck for that. Can’t believe he actually did something right.”

“My, you like Oni’s, Gina?”

“I don’t know what that is, Marcie. But yeah sure, more then bimbos anyways. The hag got aged down as well, because obviously. Seriously, what is even the point of a hag when you age her down anyways?”

“To be fair, Gina, there was plenty of complaints about her de-gilfing.”

“Yeah, but they also bitched about not turning the tomboy into a bimbo. So...what else? There is also the Gambler who got screwed out of a very cool gambling tf in favor of some creepy abandonment play. Oh and the ex gets turned into a plant.”

“…”

“…”

“...”

“MIMIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaahhhhhaaaaahhhaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!”

“And with that everyone is sufficiently traumatized. Or not. This group takes surprisingly well to the whole magical harem angle.”

“That’s because Lucy magically calmed them down, no? And the ex did take a swing at the fucker at least.”

“I suppose so...hmm.”

“What, Marcie? Not brutal enough for you?”

“Not exactly, Gina. It is just that this intro portion feels...rough. I get the impression that the author really wanted to get it over with fast. Even Lily’s attack on Lucy felt more like a checkmark on Harem Hotel introductions 101.”

“That’s a good thing, Marcie. Nobody wants to have their time wasted with that boring intro shit.”

“Perhaps. Well, we are not quite done with the intro. Next our contestants are split into teams and rooms.”

The assistant hopped from foot to foot and then sparkles flew out from her and she cheered, “The Room assignments are as follows! In the Pierrot Suite, we have Team Sloth! In the Brighella Suite, we have Team Pride! In the Columbina Suite, we have Team Lust! Finally, in the Innamorti Suite, we have Team Vanity!”

“These names are less then ideal.”

“This is a guy that titles his chapters after food, Marcie. There’s bound to be pretentious shit.”

“Let me explain my grievances more clearly. You have eight girls, divided into four teams who stay in four rooms. That is a lot of information you expect your reader to retain at a point were many will still need to learn the names of the cast.”

“Selfie did the same, you weren’t bitching then.”

“Sachrima made the team names fitting the girls. And the rooms situation itself were not really of that much importance. These rooms however are very important to the narrative, the author should take efforts to ensure the reader will remember who stays in which room. And since we are on the topic of names…”

“NO!”

“But…”

“I don’t give a fuck, Marcie. We are NOT doing the name shit again!”

“But the character names are very…”

“Shut up! Moving on! Lets get to the meat of the story!”

“How rude.”

“STORY MEAT!”

“Alright, fine. Which would be the dates and screwing around. Mostly screwing around. This harem is even more dysfunctional then usual.”

“I like it. Finally we get some proper backstabbing bitches.”

“Do we? Forcing another girl to say I love you to the master or using a sabotage on yourself is not exactly my notion of backstabbing.”

“Hey! At least naked Mira was hot!”

“It would have been, if there was something more to it then just showing up for breakfast in the nude. The whole ordeal was very low on the humiliation scale. And the fact that she volunteered for it just defeats the purpose.”

“Ok fine, but I liked what Stella did!”

“Of course you do, Gina.”

“What? At least the girl is showing initiative! And her plan would have worked too if it weren’t for that meddling Lucy!”

Lucian extended his arms and nodded giving a toothy grin, “Yes Master you now possess the ability to revoke the right to earn VP, you just need to say “I revoke…their name and then until…and your condition”

“Fuck you, Lucy!”

“I must admit, they way Stella slowly turned into more of an imp until she apologized to everyone was an impeccable punishment, even if she did not get the improportionate implants wrynn implored for.”

“What an odd thing to say, Marcie.”

“But I guess such implements would have been rather impractical and too much of an impediment for the impeached impling.”

“…”

“And imperatively, the impending punishment should merely be imperspicuous not impossible.”

“I am about to impress my fist on your face, Marcie.”

“Very well, to not impede proceedings any…OUCH! That was not on purpose!”

“I warned you!”

“I was about to say that Mira im…”

GLARE

“...astounded me the most. She approaches the game from a very pragmatic standpoint, which I can appreciate.”

“Uhu, too bad nobody likes the hag.”

"Excuse me?"

"Mira is 35, Marcie. Just because she got outhaged by an elder hag does not mean I overlook that fact."

“Yes, well, there is no accounting for taste as wrynn proves on a daily basis. I can also appreciate Lily for her bounty play. Plus Orgasm denial is always amusing, that said if it was me…”

“Uhu…”

“I would have made the chastity belt a punishment after Lily attacked Lucy. And any ruined orgasm would have resulted in a VP loss instead.”

“As twisted as ever, Marcie. You would make for a pretty good host.”

“Huh, I would make a good host, would I?”

“DON’T ACTUALLY CONSIDER IT!”

“Yes, yes, moving on. As dysfunctional as the group may be, with the exception of Stella they got through the dates decently well and all learned to ingratiate themselves with Caleb.”

“Not that much sex though.”

“To be fair, I would not want to have sex in such a cramped room either.”

“Oh yeah, Lucy lets the master live in a closet until he actual fucks the girls, which, ok, is pretty funny but shouldn’t Caleb like it in there?”

“Well, he does not like wide open spaces, but I am not sure if that means he enjoys living in a closet.”

“What a weirdo.”

“This is of course deliberate. The author very much goes for a slow build up here. The setting, a sort of theme park version of Venice, is cleverly chosen to show his progress.”

“Not sure what’s so clever about that.”

“Think Gina. Right now, Caleb can barely leave the hotel without passing out, but eventually he will no doubt venture further into the city and see everything it has to offer.”

“Like the weird mute goat things? Do we need to talk about the weird mute goat things?”

“The less said about them the better.”

“Moving on to the fanmail, then? Oh, fuck!”

“Gina?”

“It’s that Hadric fucker again!”

“Oh.”

“He’s gonna spoil shit! And talk forever!”

“I am sure he has learned his lesson, Gina.”

“Geh. Yeah he better.”

Dear Caleb,

Greetings from a fellow Master— or I guess Mistress, in my case. I'm Aífe, the Mistress of what's supposed to be the "sister season" to yours (whatever that means). I haven't watched your season yet, but from what Sera has told me, you've had it pretty rough. Way rougher than I have, at least. I offer my condolences, for whatever they're worth. I'd offer advice, but I've been in this position for roughly as long as you have, so I doubt I'd be of any help. I guess... just hang in there, and remember what you're fighting for. Not that you need to hear that from me. Anyways, sorry for the rambling, and good luck!

Sincerely,

Aífe McGarden

“WE COULD HAVE HAD A FEMALE MASTER?”

“Apparently so.”

“Why do we always get the season with the shitty masters? For fucks sake!”

To Lily

So you’re a plant girl, is that right? Oof. That’s a rough beat. I’ve been there. But also, it can be very rewarding. By the way, my name is Marley. Once upon a time, I was a Mimic Jelly, which means I actually grew from a flower. It was this whole thing, but never mind. Anyway, I’ve done some research into botany, and I’d like to say that a relationship between a person and a plant girl, it could probably work out, I hope? I mean, if it can, then a relationship between a person and a former plant girl could definitely work out, yeah? Just, like, hypothetically, I mean. Gotta be the case, right? Well, anyway, good luck, I’ll be rooting for you!

Marley Granger

“Mimiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Pfft...rooting...”

For Mira:

Hello, your name is Mira, right? So this is gonna sound really weird, but the host on our show told us to write letters to people on your show. While I wasn’t tasked with writing to anyone, an acquaintance of mine was selected. Apparently, as a joke. You see, she can’t write. So I have to write for her. Only, she can’t actually talk, either, so I need to speculate what she’s trying to say. I can’t believe I was stuck with such a thankless task, either. Why?! Apparently, she’s really confused, and sent a sound file for you to review for your job. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Knowing her, it’s probably a practical joke of some kind. At any rate, as one professional to another, I’ll be wishing you the best.

Dawn

“That’s a spoiler right? I’m pretty sure that’s a spoiler, Marcie.”

“Maybe? I can only assume one of the girls was transformed into a mute.”

“FUCK!”

“Well, that is something to look forward to.”

“Try harder!” Reyna growled as she looked down at him on the ground, “You’re a male host, you’re already at a disadvantage, you want to end up like AL? No one likes Al! So can the temper tantrums and start doing your job!”

“Yeah! This girl gets it! Fuck Al!”

“That was not fanmail, Gina.”

“It sure is better then the shlock Hadric send in. Uhhh….uhmm acshually Reyna is evil. Holy fuck we get it! Shut up already! But I liked the part were everyone dunked on him. Hah! Serves you right, you spoilery fuck! Fuck you!”

“You will not let that go, will you, Gina?”

“Never.”

“You will have to, at least momentarily, because we are now moving to the first challenge.”

“Lucy hyped this shit up through the entire round. This better be fucking good.”

“It is the prisoner dilemma. Or a variation of it.”

“Ok, alright, that was fucking bullshit!”

“How come, Gina?”

“Three girls got disqualified just because they orgasmed! What the fuck!”

Lily’s eyes dart wide open as she looks aghast at Stella who has her teeth gritted as she glares up at her, “What the fuck do you think you’re do-auuuuooah.” A **** moan lets out from her lips as Stella begins to furiously massage her through the suit, her fingers pressing deep against her core still on edge from over a week’s worth of edging.

“Stella just can not catch a break, can she? I must admit that this scene was rather erotic.”

“Ok, I may have gotten off to this…”

“Oh?”

“But my orgasm was ruined by the fact the professor won! She totally didn’t deserve the win!”

“It was a rather unfair game. That you can just outright incapacitate another contestant via a sabotage was ridiculous. And orgasms as means of elimination feels awfully derivative, would you not agree, Gina?”

“Yeah sure, whatever.”

“I do say, in the future, Lucy will have to do a lot better in terms of balancing. So far, I am not particularly wowed.”

“You know what, Marcie? I don’t feel pissed off enough already. So why don’t we take a look at the popularity vote?”

Popularity Poll:

Amy 17.6% +25 BP

Maddy 15.9% +25 BP

Maya 15.2% +25 BP

Noemi 13.6% +20 BP

Eliza 12.6% +20 BP

Lily 8.9% +10 BP

Mira 8.8% +10 BP

Stella 7.3% +10 BP

“Hardly a surprise.”

“Fucking dipshit audience being dipshits, I swear. Stella doesn’t deserve this!”

“I am rather miffed about Mira’s position as well. I think Amy is at least a somewhat decent pick for number one.”

“She’s alright, I guess.”

“Which brings us to the second set of transformations.”

“You know, Marcie. After the first set I was almost convinced that maybe, maybe this time the audience wouldn’t suck ass.”

“How naive.”

“But this is just a bunch of skin changes!”

“I say. I am particularly disappointed in Mira’s transformation. We could have had her spontaneously burst out in song. That would have been humiliating. Instead she just has to wear a dominatrix outfit. Which is not humiliating.”

“The plant turned more plant. Noemi’s one could possible be fun, but only if some of the mean girls get ahead(which they won’t).”

“And poor Maya just keeps not getting her entertaining gambler path transformations. At this point this is just disrespectful.”

“But of course Stella got it the worst! She got two transformations because why? Because fuck you, that’s why!”

Stella raised a single middle finger to the demon, “Fuck you Lucian.” She raised a double bird and extended it to the audience, “And while I’m at it, fuck all you fuckers getting off to this shit.”

“Yeah you tell them!”

“You do realize, this includes you, Gina?”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Well, at least Caleb got a potentially interesting transformation, were he receives a new fetish each round. Although the fact that Bondage came up first does not exactly instill hope for any actual daring fetishes.”

“I dunno, Marcie. Gambler is pretty freaky.”

“I am not holding my breath.”

“Ok, Favorite and least favorite girl then?”

“My favorite will have to go to Mira.”

“No surprises there.”

“She got unfairly antagonized for merely playing the game. So do Maya and Noemi but they rank much higher. Your pick, Gina?”

“Stella!”

“You have really taken to the brat, huh?”

“Shut up. I just hate how she never even gets a chance. Even the transformations are actively working against her. She voted trust! You ungrateful shits!”

“Hm, as for least favorite. That one is an easy pick, Noemi.”

“Now that’s a surprise.”

“She is a bully, Gina. You know how I feel about bullies.”

“Yeah, but she changed.”

“And while I am not above granting redemption, she need to do a lot more then spend a day naked to earn that. Holly had the right of it. A pity Noemi did not get that collar.”

“Keh, and here I thought you hated cosmetic transformations.”

“Ah, let us move on. Who is your least favorite?”

“I can’t decide between Maddy and Eliza. They both suck! Sanctimonious Skanks!”

“And if you had to pick?”

“Probably the Piggy. Least looking at Eliza doesn’t make me wanna gag.”

“I feel like this is a good opportunity to inform everyone that we here at Marcie and Gina Reads do not condone fat shaming.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Gina.”

“Yes?”

“I feel like this is a good opportunity to inform you that there is still enough time to prepare a Porky Pig costume for Halloween. Including the appropriate weight.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Would you like to find out?”

“Fine! I stop bitching about the caloric challenged candidate! Ugh!”

"And anybody above the age of thirty?"

"Don't push your luck."

“An acceptable compromise. *ehem* In conclusion I think this was a very well paced start to the season. The setting is quite unique and the grammar related issues present in the earlier chapters, disappeared surprisingly quickly.”

“Uhu, too bad so many candidates are cunts, the host sucks and the master is a pansy ass sissy who pisses himself by going outside!

“I appreciate that we have some more cutthroats contestants this round, even if it is still at a very mild level. Caleb could be interesting, if handled properly. I agree with your criticism towards the host however. Lucy will have to up his game considerably, unless he wants to join the contestants.”

“He is the fucking worst host we had so far! Except Al. And Al doesn’t count!”

“There were some promising erotic bits in there as well. Not quite enough to get me off personally, but keep at it regardless. I am looking forward for more.”

“I don’t. I had enough Harem Hotel for a lifetime.”

“Hm, Gina.”

“What?”

“Do me a favor and do not look at our backlog.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”