Bruce Masters, Amateur Gamer, by LordScissorsXIII

“This better be about a shark.”

“That would be ****, Gina.”

“Only if the shark doesn’t talk, which Bruce does.”

“I am very uncomfortable with this topic, so let us quickly move on. We are reading Bruce Masters, Amateur Gamer, by LordScissorsXIII”

“Which, as you probably have guessed, is another Harem Hotel.”

The camera opens up to a view of a massive golden pillar stretching high into the sky. The camera starts to travel up the length of the pillar rising higher and higher breaking through the clouds until the underside of a massive disc at the top comes into focus. As the camera closes in on the disc branching paths coming off the sides of the disc leading to other discs suspended in the air becomes visible. The camera rises past the edge of the disc and flies high above the disc showing a view of a massive building in the middle with the words Harem Hotel written on the front. On the sides of the hotel are gardens of flowers with pathways leading through them and to a massive pool behind the hotel. A stage sits in front of the hotel that the camera begins to zoom in on showing a couch with an eerily familiar looking girl lounging on it engrossed in her Switch. A few minutes go by of the girl ignoring the camera while engrossed in her game before she rolls over and those familiar with a certain series of games realize where they had seen her before.

“Marcie, I want HugeDick back.”

“Gina please. It is not that...GOOD LORD!”

“snrk…”

“This image is not merely uncentered, it is aggressively uncentered! It is a violation of artistic integrity! LordScissorsXIII, by the powers vested in me by being me, you are hereby sentenced to read this! You are then to correct your atrocity within 72 hours and offer up a public apology! And it better be centered.”

“Uhu, that’s very cool, Marcie. While Scissorman does that, can we read on?”

“Begrudgingly.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Ok, in grand tradition of absolute losers being masters, this time we are having a gamer as master. Great. That’s like the biggest loser possible, aside from being an anime fan.”

“Incidentally, we did not mention that last time, but the Harem on Arabella’s season played Mario Kart too.”

“Add it to the huge pile of stuff, HugeDick ripped off. So, this nerd wins the stupid Gamer tournament and his prize is to go to Harem Hotel. You know, normally these fucks are just ****. This dweeb had to work for the privilege.”

Especially that smarmy jerk Al and his precious casino.

“I like Sally. Remember when engin’s story had a Sally?”

“Yes, if I recall correctly, she was used as gambling collateral and sold into slavery. Tangents aside, our contestants are introduced and…!!!”

“Ah.”

“It beggars believe but this author somehow managed to have an even worse uncentered picture! No, calling it uncentered does not even do it justice. This is a **** of aesthetics! I feel violated! Gina, call Emma. I intend to press charges.”

“You’re not going to barf are you, Marcie?”

“Do not be absurd, Gina. My dislike for uncentered pictures is purely theatrical. In fact, the joke has gotten quite stale, so I will stop it now.”

“uhu.”

“But author, do center your pictures, will you? Or else...”

“Right. Before Marcie interrupted with her stupid shit we were going through the contestants and, oh would you look at that, another Candy shows up! Great! More names that repeat with other seasons! I guess I should be thankful it’s not another Kim.”

“I thought you would take more interest in her last name, Gina.”

“What!”

What kind of morons have the last name Walker and decide to name their daughter Candy? I've heard so many streetwalker and stripper jokes in my life that I could scream.

“Pffft…”

“Grrrrr...”

“My, Miss Walker, are you not glad you are now represented by two seasons of Harem Hotel?”

“Not another fucking word, Marcie.”

“And the name Candy is very apt as well. Considering...”

“Marcie. This is your last warning.”

“Candybutt.”

CHOMP

“Gyaaaaahhhhh!!!!”

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“Well, we did not even make it through the contestants introductions before I got assaulted by my feral co-host. This is a new low.”

“Oh quit overreacting, Marcie. I wasn’t even biting that hard.”

“You left bitemarks, Gina, through my armor.”

“Look, are you keep being a whiny bitch about it, or can we continue the story?”

”Yes, the show must go on as they say. I really need to purchase that muzzle though...”

“Ok, seriously, is Cutman for real?”

“Go for it, Gina.”

“Edward Scissorhands over here thinks he’s funny, using names like Candy and Sylvia, has all the girls transform into video game characters AND ups the girl count to eleven! How the fuck am I supposed to remember all these sluts, you Scissor fucker!”

“It is a lot to take in. It does not help either that half of these characters are related to the same game store.”

“I’m pretty sure there is some **** shit going on in this whole mess. And once they transform it gets even worse. I don’t know any of these characters!”

“Gina, please. One of them transforms into Aqua, from Kingdom Hearts.”

“???”

“The one with Donald Duck in it?”

“Oh. Yeah, Marcie. Stopped caring about that one after that fucking awful story unkown **** us to read.”

“Beyond that we have some more known and unknown characters. Tifa and Princess Peach but also some Shantea representation and even Rogue Galaxy. Ah and Jessica gets turned into Jessica and since this author is a normie we are not getting Jessica from Umineko but Jessica from Dragon Quest. Sigh.”

“Ok, correction. I know Peach but only because of sumo-king. And no, that’s not a good thing.”

“The token characters of Peach and Daisy aside, the author clearly has a preference towards role playing games of the Play Station 2 era.”

“Is that old?”

“Yes, quite. The system came out before either of us were born.”

“So basically, Scissor is an old fart?”

“Let us just say Sally is not fooling anyone with that Switch.”

“Fantastic, uh, Marcie, what the fuck is wrong with these pictures?”

“You are preaching to the choir, Gina.”

“No, not that. It’s like he ripped some random images from his weeb porn books and plastered them on here. It looks super lame! Like look at this shit! LOOK AT IT!”

“I am looking.”

“Fuck’s sake! Aren’t you a gamer nerd? Use some nerd software to cut her out! It’s literally in you’re name!”

“Perhaps we should focus on the transformations, Gina?”

“Yeah ok, I hope you enjoyed last times brief outlier of the audience not sucking ass. Obviously they vote for the dumbest shit again. One girl gets breasts that jiggle, another has everyone starting at her breasts, and lots of cosmetic you’re walking around in your underwear now, hurdur, <ou’re not wearing any underwear, guhu. Trash.”

“To be fair to the audience, LordScissorsXIII set them up for failure. A lot of these options are clearly afterthoughts and deliberately chosen to have his favorite make the race. Point in case...”

Greedy Lady- Anyone who knows Lady's character knows how greedy she can be. Lydia will receive her top 2 transformations per round to satisfy this greed (Hot Devil Hunter)

Remembered Pleasure- Having been the only one to experience the master fully in the past we will be gifting Lydia a dildo the exact size and shape of the master's penis (Ex)

Tighter Master- Lydia has a secret interest in bondage. To help her with this being tied up will now cause a feeling of arousal. The tighter the bonds the more the arousal (BDSM)

“Yeah, geez! I really wonder which one will win this vote. The suspense is killing me, Marcie.”

“Of course, Sally makes it very clear that she plays fast and loose with the rules, meaning quite a lot of extra transformation are added. Poor Jenny for example, ends up getting all three of her options. Which, do not get me wrong, I am very much in favor of.”

“Jenny...Jenny...Jenny…”

“Gina?”

“THAT FUCKER HIGHGROVE STILL HAS NOT WRITTEN A SEX SCENE WITH JENNY! OR ANYTHING AT ALL! FUCK YOU, HIGHGROVE!”

“We are really gunning for the tangents this time, are we not?”

“Ok fine, let’s talk story then. Bruce is a fucking asshole.”

“Well, Gina, he is magically compelled to think this is a dream.”

“So, what? I never act different in dream then I do in real life. Beeing Jenny is suffering.”

“Speaking of Jenny. Reading these initial chapters, the author struck me as nothing more then a low down, dimwitted deviant with a hideous sense of aesthetics and poor taste in video games.”

“Yeah? Pretty sure that’s spot on.”

“Ah, but what he did with Jenny made me question that assumption.”

“How?”

Grabbing her chest in pain Jenny kicked the ball in frustration. The ball ricocheted down the hall and rolled straight into the hole. Jenny stared in shock as the door popped open. “YES. I DID IT” Jenny shouted jumping in joy. As she danced around in joy Jenny began to feel a warm sensation on her legs. Realizing that she had lost her concentration Jenny could not help the immense feeling of relief as she peed her pants.

SHLICK

“OH, FUCK NO!”

“In my defense Gina, that was very erotic.”

“How the fuck did you even do it that fast? No, I don’t want to know. I want nothing to do with your demented fetishes!”

“Hmhmhm...now I am excited. Shall we read on, Gina? Let us see what interesting avenues this story wanders into next.”

“Keh…”

“The girls are divided into rooms and I must say, the thirteenth scissor Lord does a very nice job of making these rooms sound exciting. Even getting into them requires some manner of skill. For example playing a game of golf. Or completing an obstacle course.”

“Ok, Marcie. Why aren’t you mentioning that the rooms all have some perverted shit going on? Like there’s even a Hentai room with molesting chairs!”

“Which is disappointingly not the impregnation chair from Alicesofts catalog of games. In general, there is a distinct lack of Eroge representation in this so called Gamer season. Where is Rin Tohsaka, author? Where is Cream Ganoblade? Or even just Monika? And yes, I am aware that the later does not originate from an eroge, Gina. It is nonetheless eroge adjacent.”

“Marcie, what the fuck did make you think I care?”

“But really, rather then just Eroge this author seemed to have a remarkable gap of knowledge, it is almost as if, as if…”

“What?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“Jesus Fuck!”

“Gina, I fear, LordScissorsXIII is...a console gamer.”

“ok.”

“You do not understand. As a member of the glorious PC Masterrace, it is my sworn duty to ridicule these pitiful console peasants.”

“Marcie, I can assure you, nobody that had sex gives a flying fuck on what machine you play your stupid games on. To everyone that matters you are all virgin loser nerds.”

“...right, we were talking rooms?”

“Yeah, the other rooms aren’t much better. They all have some gimmick to them, like the sports room forces you to play golf or some shit.”

“But I must chide the author again. Since Jenny stays there it should really have been the...watersports room.”

“…”

“Maybe once she loses all her clothes, she will receive a diaper transformation.”

“OK THAT IS ENOUGH OUT OF YOU, MARCIE!”

“Fine, as a member of the PC Masterrace I will remain professional.”

“So, round goes on and oh...look at that, the girls are actually playing the game!”

“Yes, the characters may be thin as card board, there is little to no thought present to pacing, the grammar barely gets a pass and the author is a filthy console peasant.”

“Is there a but coming, or…?”

“...but this story nails the essence of Harem Hotel: A gaggle of cute and sexy girls getting into a bunch of creative erotic and embarrassing scenarios in an exotic environment.”

“It’s...kinda hot? Like, the writing is pretty ass but the Scissor fucker is creative, I give him that.”

“The girls also end up with a massive amount of punishment and additional transformations as the days progress. This barrage is obviously not sustainable but at this point at least very enjoyable.”

“And they do stuff like going through a ball pit labyrinth and an hours long climax rollercoaster! Eeeh! What is this weird feeling I’m having, Marcie?”

“I believe that is called fun, Gina.”

“Good God!”

“True. It is quite the oddity that this story is the complete inverse of Xar’s, which was mechanically near perfect but very dry in the erotic department. Now if we could only **** these two to breed. The offspring would be able to produce the perfect Harem Hotel season.”

“Yeah, sure go for it.”

“And, speaking of fun. Bruce is also having quite some fun.”

“I hate the fucker. Been a while, but he’s definitely getting on the scumbag list.”

“He maybe a scumbag, but I do enjoy a proactive master. I like how he handled Lydia. Very humiliating.”

“You know, Lydia is pretty cool. I like how she screwed over Candy. That was hot and sexy!”

“My, Gina, you are really inserting into, Candy, huh?”

“Eww! No, I’m not! Fuck you!”

Immediately Sally's entire demeanor changed to one of pure joy. “I've been invited to a wedding. Sylvia, not you the host of another season, has invited me to attend the wedding between her master and one of the girls in his harem.” Sally's look of joy was not matched by the others. Most looked weirded out or confused by the idea but Daisy had a look of interest on her face.

“The author is also a huge fan of fellow Harem Hotel writer sechrima. To a fault really. No really, it tends to border on obsessive sometimes.”

“And wow, Sally has garbage taste. Big boobed boring bible bimbo best bitch?”

“Bogus.”

“You said it, Marcie.”

“We are continuing moving through the round. That is until Sally decided she was bored of the pacing and gives us all the remaining dates on a single day.”

“I can’t even remember half of these sluts, so whatever.”

“True, it does however mean we are moving swiftly towards the big finale. The challenge.”

“Ok, I’m actually kinda excited, Marcie. Like, I don’t care about a lot of the girls but I do care about Jenny, Candy and Lydia. Oh and Jessica is kinda fun too. And Luanne, but only because her maid. And Alex’s dress is very funny!”

“Meaning, you like over half the cast.”

“Shut up. I wanna go to the challenge.”

“Of course. However, you know what comes first.”

“Oh fuck no.”

“The fanmail chapter.”

“UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

She mauled at her chest and lower lips like a woman possessed by a demon of lust.

“And here I was praising this author. *sigh* Really now, did somebody provide him with a checklist on how to infuriate me in particular?”

“I just think it is very easy, to infuriate you.”

Alright, author, pay attention now, what Gina did to my chest earlier was mauling, a word only ever reserved for a particular viciousness of nature. That of one creature whose pure strength completely eclipses another.”

“Happy, you finally acknowledge my superiority, Marcie.”

“...I walked into that one.”

“Oh no, Marcie. I just looked at the bar at the side! This chapter is long as fuuuuuuuck!”

“The sooner we start, the sooner we get to the challenge, Gina.”

Regarding Kirumi’s allegations and your take on them… Well, this is going to be difficult, but I would say you shouldn’t drag yourself down over it, whatever it was fully TF enforced, or if the stalking magic wanker maid was right. Because… It does not make you some kind of perverted monster, whatever it happened through duress or is something you’d actually want to experiment with someday.

“No…”

She still was dead wrong forcing it on you the way she did, whatever her guess was to turn out as on the money or not. Best to do is… Think about it and where you want to go from there, but not let this kind of first experience let you think you’re some kind of sex freak or something. This show has seen… Far more adventurous people on stage than this, and frankly, Real Life does too. Hell, if you want to not try this anymore, your choice and power to you. Just… don’t let the memory of this thing trap you in shame and ruin your chances to leave the place more or less intact.

“No…no…!”

“This long, rambling, overly verbose way of speaking combined with an holier then thou attitude...”

Don’t let this show mishandle you like a kindergarten kid. Give it hell.

Keep going,

Hardric.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

“Somehow Hadric returned.”

“He didn’t comment for fuck! Why is that Hadric fucker suddenly here now!? And there’s eleven fucking girls! This will take foreeeeeever! Ugggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Whelp, let us strap ourselves in.”

“I mean, there is some fun stuff in here. Like Shar and the girls baiting Jenny, but every god damn girl, every god damn girl gets a Hadric letter...haaaaaa…”

“While we suffer through the fan mail, Bruce is shown Sally’s statue collection of other Harem Hotel Seasons, which is perfectly normal behavior and clearly not a sign of manic obsession.”

“So, why aren’t we getting any statues, Marcie?”

“A very good question, Gina.”

“First they don’t invite us to the wedding and now we aren’t even getting statues! Ungrateful fuckers!”

You are an abject failure of a maid, and your princess is going to suffer from it.

“AND NOW HE’S WRITING LETTERS TO THE STAFF TOO! WHAT THE FUCK! I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND HERE!”

“What are you some kind of novelist? How about you mind your own business?

“Yeah! You tell the fucker!”

“Gina, calm. We are almost done.”

Oh boy it's from Hardric. I'm so glad I took Sally up on this job, I get to get roasted by the famous Hardric.”

“WHAAAAT?”

“My word.”

“No, no, no. Listen here, you smarmy little shit! Roasting is what we do. I did not spend four years of my life wading through 144 stories of internet porn just for some wannabee upstart to swoop in and steal OUR FUCKING JOB!”

“Well, to be accurate, we here at Marcie and Gina Reads are providing fair and balanced criticism and literature analysis. Far above what this amateur with his crude reasoning and flawed logic could ever hope to accomplish. We are not threatened.”

“Marcie, this is not ok. I will not sit here and play second fiddle to this fucker!”

“I must say, it is rare to see you this competitive, Gina.”

Keep going, and make sure you don't become a loser like this dumbass Sylvia.

“Marcie”

“Yes, Gina.”

“We are going to eviscerate Scissors now, No more nice girls. I want to see him cry like an anime fan on prom night. I am going to rip his challenge and upcoming transformations to shreds and fed the pieces to my pet Iguana!”

“That is the spirit. We are almost done with the fan mail and...oh.”

“…”

“…”

“Marcie?”

“Yes, Gina?”

“Is this the last chapter?”

“It appears so, Gina.”

“Ah.”

“On the positive side, that means we are finally caught up with a season for once?”

“…”

“Yay?”

“...I think I need to lay down.”

“Of course, take all the time you need.”

“...”

“Well, that was awkward. I suppose we have to leave the eviscerating up to next time.”

…

“Good night.”

…

…

…

cackle….

cackle, cackle

CACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“IT IS I! THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT ORA! MAKING MY DEBUT WITH A BANG!”

“CACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLECACKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

"ehem!"

“Now then, greetings and salutations, one and all! You are in the presence of me! Future Host of the greatest, most magnificent and splendid Season! And I am here to hostile take over this pathetic excuse of a review in order to bring it to a satisfying close! These poor useless fools are clearly utterly incapable of doing so! How pitiful! How sad!”

...

“Now...Preminger?”

“Yes, Mistress Ora?”

“Who was your favorite girl?”

“I must say I was most impressed with the showings of the dame Kirumi. Truly a stunning example of stewardship that we should all strife towards.”

“The maid, hm? She was pretty cool. I need one of those too. Oh, I liked Sally! I think my vote will go to her! She’s funny, and ruthless and I’m going to steal… I mean take artistic inspiration from a lot of things she did!”

“I am sure she will be overjoyed to hear that, Mistress. As for the girl who disappointed me the most...I would have to give that dubious honor to Nana. What a poor showing for a member of the service industry. To **** and ridicule the very person she should serve! Why, I never!”

“Hm...I didn’t like the annoying bear. I like penguins but I hate bears! I am a mature and sexy lady, so I don’t even wear bear panties!”

“A fine choice, Mistress. Your eye is the most discerning. If I may ask, who do you think will emerge victorious in the upcoming challenge?”

“Hah! Lydia has it in the bag! The girl is smart and ruthless! In fact, I bet Cherry’s bloomers that she does! Send me one of those petting penguins after I win, Sally!”

“Of course, Mistress. I shall see to the arrangements.”

“Yes, yes, see to it. Now then, Sally. I am currently a bit preoccupied with winning a war, but I’m looking forward to working with you soon! You may start building my statue now. I will be your new favorite host in record time! In the meantime, enjoy your status as best host while you can and practice to genuflect! Til then! CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE!”

“Adieu.”