Brooding and Love

As was seemingly becoming the norm, Ahsch sat alone in his office, late in the evening, staring out at the night sky.

Brooding.

He thought about his domains, about whether or not he should keep them as-is or change them. Kakais had suggested altering the dominance aspect, accepting submission as the rule, but conquering if necessary. Ahsch wondered if similar changes would be good - perhaps incorporating reincarnation, somehow? Or fertility?

He thought about his relationship with Kirasiel. Had he made the right choice, taking a firmer hand with her? It was arguably the thing that got him killed, scaring her into revealing some secrets to Byrdrek and Fauna. But the issue of their intertwined Fate still remained - he couldn't have let her be, could he? And what now? She was... changed. The stuck-up, arrogant bitch was gone, for the most part. She'd left behind a frightened, confused girl, riddled with guild.

He thought about Enochiel - about himself. Every time Ariin or Elui had spoken about Enochiel, Ahsch could hear the capital 'H' they used for 'Him.' Every time he thought about himself as a god... well, he didn't. Not really. Enochiel was... someone else - something else. A being he wasn't. But was that the right choice? If he kept his secrets close, tightened the commands... somehow... maybe with his Domain of Dominance? But maybe he should go forth and claim himself as the god he could be. Maybe it would draw more worshipers?

He thought about the men and women he'd killed only hours before. Assassins all; criminals who had aided a pair of power-hungry royals who planned to stage a coup. People who had murdered him. But still... people. They hadn't hesitated to fight, but he'd seen the looks on more than one of their faces when he'd killed them. Fear. He'd talked big about not holding back against those who wronged innocents or him, but talking was very different from doing. He only had, what, a dozen or so deaths on his hands - and far more if he counted everyone killed on his say-so - and he already felt sick.

He thought about the two who had died. Tyri and Paelu. Both had families, husbands and sister-wives, nieces and nephews. Paelu had two children herself. He'd robbed their families of them. What could he possibly do to atone for that? Kakais had said something about souls going somewhere, but Ahsch didn't know where or what or when or how. Perhaps it was to some sort of soul dumpster bin, where they simply... ceased. Oblivion. Maybe they reincarnated too, but he felt that unlikely, given his own experiences with his first death. Could there be afterlives, places beyond 'normal' living where souls ended up? Did it matter? Tyri and Paelu's families would never see them again, not on Euphoria at the very least. They were gone. Permanently.

He thought...

A knock disturbed his thoughts.

"Who is it?"

There was a pause. "It's me," came his wife's voice.

Ahsch was silent for a moment. Or a minute. "Come in," he eventually said. The door remained shut for several seconds before Avery let herself in, quietly closing the door behind her.

She walked over to stand beside his chair, and Ahsch was pretty sure she wasn't enjoying the same view he was. "You need to stop," she said softly.

He frowned slightly. "Stop what?"

"Thinking like that."

His frown deepened. "I don't know what..."

"This is different than the other times," she interrupted. "You'd brood, yes, but you didn't stew in your own thoughts. You actually went through things, trying to figure out a solution or how you felt or... something. Not this endless... spinning."

Ahsch glared at her. "How would you know my thoughts?" he asked, his voice sounding almost insulted.

Avery opened her mouth to reply, then slowly closed it and looked away.

I told her. Mahat joined the conversation with both of them. As your wife, she had a right to know if you were... troubled. And she is right - this is different, Master.

Ahsch looked back out the window, his face twisted with several different emotions. "I fucked up and got killed. And even though the assassins are dead and their employers behind bars, I somehow doubt that's the end of the threats facing us. With seven months having gone by with no progress, I'm sure Phashim will be dropping in on us sooner than later, eager to explain to me in small words about how spectacularly I've failed. We might have gotten the King on our side, but I don't think the Irztonites or Orrorists are going to sit idly by, twiddling their thumbs while the Order of Enochiel gets properly going. I learned that I was being monumentally stupid not pushing myself to train and grow, what with my insane potential for growth, and instead sat around doing nothing, pissing away the advantage I had. I have all these tools at my disposal and I don't think I've properly used any of them, even when I've had the opportunity to, which makes me just the..."

"Stop!" Avery snapped, moving in front of Ahsch, leaning down and...

Ahsch froze. Avery was... hugging him?

"I was the one who failed. Not you. I was right there, ready and waiting to... I already lost you once, Ahsch." She pulled back, and he was shocked to see tears in her eyes. "Don't make me lose you again. Not like this." She grabbed his hands and held them against her heart. "Please."

Ahsch just stared at her. This was... he knew that Avery saw him as a friend, even a close one, but this was... They were married for convenience, weren't they? At least, that was true initially, and Avery still felt that way. Right? He was the one who fell in love with his political-marriage wife.

Right?

He almost refused to use Heart Sight, though he couldn't say why. 'Fear' felt like the right word for it, but why would he be afraid? After all, he already knew what to expected to see when he focused on her emotions, and it wasn't...

Oh.

It was.

She was.

Avery was... in love with him?

Ahsch's mouth moved soundlessly for a moment. His mind whirled back, remembering the small smirks she'd have when she thought he wasn't looking, the half-a-second too-long touches when they weren't being explicitly sexual.

The way she looked at him as he was falling from the Tower.

The way her hands trembled as she brought him into this world for the second time.

The way her voice had shaken when she said those words he now knew he had heard, 'nothing as valuable as you.'

The way she was looking at him now. With pain and relief and guilt and yearning and fear.

Gently, he extracted his hands from her and cupped her cheeks. Her tears finally fell, and he softly brushed them away with his thumbs.