Book Report (C,A)

Some time ago, in the dead of night, two phones began ringing.

Aubrey answered hers quickly, finding her shoes and slipping away without her roommate, Luna, waking up. She’d never been a particularly heavy sleeper. She made her way to the dining hall where Genet had asked to meet and waited. She’d brought the whiteboard and notebook from the personal supplies in her closet as the Host had asked and ended up fiddling with a pen as the wait grew.

“Your phone is ringing.” Felicia groaned. I didn’t know these phones could ring. She realized that a moment later as she became more awake. “We can’t call each other…” She pointed out to the empty room.

The phone finished its three rings, and Felicia looked down at her best friend. Ava was still sound asleep as if her phone hadn’t been loud enough to wake the dead.

The phone started ringing again, and Felicia was reminded for a dreadful moment of the time a fire alarm had been pulled in their apartment’s gym. The blonde sighed before beginning Ava’s morning wakeup ritual.

Ninety minutes later, Ava finally arrived at the dining hall. Aubrey had gotten thoroughly bored by this point and was snacking on a box of cereal she’d grabbed from the kitchen.

“Hey kiddos, thanks for coming.” Genet greeted them as she came down from her Host’s quarters. “If you want to come upstairs with me, I’ll explain more.”

The two women exchanged glances before following her up. They sat down on her couch and waited for Genet to explain.

“So there’s these interdimensional critics. Marcie and Gina” She started. “They’re known for being very tough. It’s encouraged to respond, to sort of show that you can handle whatever they’re willing to say. I submitted a transcript of our first season to them, and they finally responded. I thought I’d ask you two to do the counterarguments.”

“You need someone to defend you? Why not ask Hel? She’s great at that.” Aubrey suggested.

“Or Felicia?” Ava added. “They’re both way better at arguing or getting angry.”

Genet cringed. “I actually tried them already. They were overkill considering how gentle our review was, and for the sake of both tact and avoiding legal issues Jay rewound time so I could pick an alternate pair. It’s not that you’re my second choice… just the ones that I picked after my first choice.”

“But why us?” Ava asked again.

“Together you know literary and gaming tropes. Aubrey’s experienced grading essays, and you know game design?” Genet tried to justify. “You two just seemed the best to respond to their specific criticisms.”

“If you need it, then we can try.” Aubrey agreed. Ava nodded, and Genet rolled the tape.

“For five years I was holding my controversial takes back. But no longer! This politically charged season will at last provide me with the flimsy excuse I require to share my hot takes without remorse!”

“They’re kind of intense. Like, cartoon character intense.” Aubrey commented.

“By the way, this is another one of those seasons who just rushes through the contestants super fast! No idea why hosts always do that. Listen you shits, I don’t remember these girls if you put three of them in the same fucking chapter!”

“I mean, was there an alternative?” Ava pointed out.

Genet shrugged. “I technically could’ve done it when someone went to the bathroom, or came back or you when you all went to bed. But Felicia got drunk faster than I was expecting so I missed that chance, and I felt like the audience might’ve been confused if I grabbed half the cast while they were asleep.”

Ava shrugged, and let the recording resume.

“Yeah but one is a hag, so at least it should be easy enough to keep them apart.”

“That’s just mean.” Aubrey said. “M-Maeve is kind, and patient, and far more mature than either of these two powertripping bitches.”

“Wait, was that too much? Are we allowed to swear?” Ava asked.

“You’re fine.” Genet assured them. “Just try not to swear more than they do, and don’t commit any crimes or I’ll need to reset the night again.”

“What kind of crimes could we commit during a review?”

“That’s the spirit.”

“What the actual nerd fuck is this shit! This is an entire chapter of just fucking cards! Not even the gamer season did that!”

“They do not have sexual intercourse with the cards, Gina.”

Ava raised an eyebrow. “Having sex with the cards? Is that… possible?”

Genet nodded. “If it would help get you in the spirit of things, I can arrange it. I’d just need some time to figure out what it would look like.”

Ava quickly shook her head. “No. No, I was just trying to figure out why that was worth a correction.”

“All I am saying, there is a decent amount of sex in this story. That said, the author does indeed spend quite a lot of pages depicting the lackadaisical activities of the girls. From Card games, to Dnd Campaigns and even playing tennis.”

“And it’s not even with any stakes, like the loser has to spend the day naked or eat the winner out or anything. It’s just some bullshit leisurely activities!”

“What’s DnD?” Ava asked.

Aubrey brushed past the question for a more substantive critique. “This is being marketed as reality television, right Genet?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re seeing what we’re doing. Richard is the main character, showing him resisting everything Genet tries to tempt him with. That’s the “A plot.” We’re the “B plot” or sometimes the “B and C plots.” It’s kind of just natural for the B and C plots of reality television to be realistic, and there’s not a ton to do when we’re not with him.”

“In serialized stories it’s often called slice of life,” Ava explained. “The whole point of the genre is a slower paced exploration of a large cast’s lives."

“Oh, yeah that describes this perfectly.”

“Now that I think about it, a lot of these girls are complete failures. Stella gets one bad tf and basically gives up on life and Aubrey can’t even read double digits numbers!”

“I feel like these girls are just being mean for the sake of it.” Aubrey commented, trying to remain calm instead of racing out of the room like she increasingly wanted to.

“I think they’re just trying to compensate for their own struggles.” Ava agreed. “There’s been ‘population polls,’ the ‘self made billionaire’ bit. Either they’re barely able to talk themselves or they’re just a crude satire made up by the real Marcie and Gina. Either way, I don’t think it’s worth taking their insults seriously."

Aubrey stayed, though she remained tempted to leave.

“I swear, Marcie, at this point I am firmly confirmed these fucks put trigger warnings in just to screw with me in particular. It’s like your picture obsession but worse because this one actually matters.”

“Trigger warnings are highly respected in modern fiction.” Aubrey countered. “Especially given they’ve noted this is apparently a lighter season, it would be distressing to have a comfort show suddenly get much darker without warning.”

“But these triggers did not need a trigger warning! You stupid Moth!”

“Moth? Genet, why is she calling you a Moth?” Aubrey asked.

“I’m not sure.” The Host admitted. "Mothgirls are hot, if you’ve ever had the chance to meet one. I do enjoy a good set of headlights.”

“I didn’t know you were into cars.”

“I mean, Hazel and Helena fuck during it. Actually, how horny have you be to fuck during a challenge?”

“They did what?"

“The story is unfortunately somewhat lacking in cohesion. It has a very slice of life quality to it and because of it the days do somewhat blend together.”

“Okay, this is what we were talking about. They’re watching a slice of life narrative and complaining that it has a slice of life quality.” Aubrey put her cereal down for a moment. “As I think Brandon in my fourth period would say, this is a very ‘fork found in kitchen’ sort of problem.”

“Easy, Hazel is extremely is the best girl and the worst girl is Maeve.”
“We barely talked about her, Gina.”
“Making my point. I don’t care for her.”

“Shut up.” Aubrey said.

"How dare you, mothneb. Your complete lack of political beliefs will not be tolerated! You just made an enemy for life!”

“Why are they calling you a Moth-neb now?”

“I looked it up, and apparently a neb means a face or beak. So they mean Moth-face? You kiddos are the lights of my life.” Genet told them both.

“I appreciate you.” Aubrey humored her. “Does this mean we can go do stuff without waiting for curfew to end? I want to go to the library.”

Ava had different priorities. “Can I go back to bed? It felt like Felicia was drunk and shouting at herself listening to this.”