Binding Vow

With those words, Jiina was gone again. Vallya’s body slumped forward, her head resting limply between her knees. John quickly dropped down beside the **** Kitsune and pulled her against his chest, cradling her head against his shoulder. The last vestiges of that unearthly mana were gone now, leaving only the bright-haired vixen once more.

The silence that followed Jiina’s departure was a bittersweet reprieve from what had happened for John, and a hazy mess for all the others. Once she had receded, Lerianna and Orria almost immediately started to wake up from their trances, though their movements were hesitant and confused. Both stumbled about somewhat tensely, their eyes darting around, seemingly aware that something had happened but still ready for a fight all the same.

It wasn’t until they saw John, with Vallya nestled so tightly in his protective embrace, that they allowed themselves the slightest ease to their stances. Lerianna scratched behind one of her ears in annoyance when she pieced together that they’d missed everything important.

“You, uh… you have a better idea of what just happened than we do, I take it?”

“Yeah. It was Jiina, the goddess that I Purified Vallya from. She possessed Vallya’s body.”

“Shit, but you’re okay, right?” Lerianna’s eyes scanned John’s body as she spoke, then glanced over Vallya’s figure a little more harshly.

“Yes. And so is she… I hope.” John could feel that Vallya was still breathing, but she was showing no signs of stirring just yet.

“What do you want us to do, John?” Orria asked, approaching the two of them. She had less judgment in her eyes than Lerianna as she gazed at the **** Kitsune, but she was still tensing her fingers as if ready to bring the forest to life once more at the slightest provocation. “Should we bring her back to the house in case she doesn’t wake up?”

John considered it, but in the end shook his head solemnly. Vallya was probably better than before, but he wasn’t going to bring her anywhere near the house – anywhere near Magnus especially – until he was completely certain she wasn’t a threat to his family.

“No, that’s alright. Go ahead and go back to the house,” John said, waving the two of them off. “I’ll be home in a little while. This is important to everyone, so I might as well explain it all at once.”

“You want us to leave you alone with her?”

Orria was the one who voiced the thought, but Lerianna’s expression made it perfectly clear that she was thinking the same thing. Understandable, but John didn’t hesitate before nodding in affirmation.

“...Vallya isn’t going to hurt me. Whatever happened, whatever is happening, that’s the one thing I’m sure of now.”

It took nearly half an hour before Vallya finally opened her eyes. She had started twitching several minutes before, but they were erratic, **** movements, the spasms of a woman still trapped outside the waking realm. John kept her held closely to him all the while, stroking her hair and gently rubbing the soft fur on the back of her ears. It wasn’t until he finally saw those glistening purple eyes staring back into his own that he finally relaxed his grip, just enough to see the troubled look on her face as she slowly took in her new surroundings. Seeing John seemed to calm her a bit, but there was a deep trouble in her expression when she looked over the clearing and noticed the absence of others and the vines now strewn around them in a circle.

“Something happened, didn’t it? Please, tell me it wasn’t-”

“It wasn’t anything bad this time, Vallya. Shocking, but… not bad. And hopefully you don’t have to worry as much anymore.”

John had hoped the tale would bring some relief to Vallya, and it did make the rising panic in the foxgirl’s eyes start to fade a little, but her look remained deeply troubled the whole time. Even at the end of the tale, she hung limply in John’s embrace, her arms crossed, eyes facing the distant edge of the forest clearing with a cloudy, almost despondent stare.

“So I was right, there was something else inside of me. And this time it took over completely,” she finally said. Her tails twitched and curled on themselves across the ground, trembling just as her lower lip was beginning to. “I’m sorry, John. I thought Purifying me would fix all this. Now it looks like even that isn’t enough.”

“Hey, hey, hey…” John whispered as gently as he could, running a finger against Vallya’s cheek to brush away a fresh tear. “None of that. This is good news, right? You have answers now. You know what’s going on now, and if Jiina was telling the truth, then we have good reason to believe it won’t happen anymore.”

“I know we have answers, but they don’t solve anything!” Vallya’s words weren’t angry, at least not at John, but they still rang of frustration as her tails whipped the grass impotently. “You said she didn’t even think that it would fix everything, that I’ll still have some part of her stuck in me. And what if she changes her mind? What if she thinks you’re more ‘interesting’ than before, or if she decides she’d rather just take over permanently to get more of my feelings, or soul, or… whatever she gets from being connected to me? How would you like living your whole life knowing that someone else could just take over your body at any time?”

“I wouldn’t like that at all.” There was no point in lying or trying to comfort Vallya about that much, at least. In the best case scenario, she was now living below the Sword of Damocles, only the dubious promise of a vengeful goddess guaranteeing her freedom and individuality.

“And even if she doesn’t, I just have to live with this. I don’t even know yet how much of her is left in me, or how strong it is. What if it’s stronger than… than me?”

Vallya’s anger and confidence faded reluctantly as she **** herself to look John in the eyes once more. Her daring persona slid away and the fearful woman underneath revealed herself. Vallya’s arms laced around John and clung to him with a tightness and need that he had never seen in her before, putting even the protective embrace he’d cradled her in to shame. If John was afraid of losing her, Vallya was terrified of losing herself.

“We’ll continue to get stronger until you feel safe,” John murmured as comfortingly as he could, resting his chin on the top of Vallya’s head, covering as much of her body as he could with his own, no longer certain if he was trying to comfort her by sealing others out, or sealing her in.

“How can I ever feel safe knowing she’s still out there? Knowing she’s probably watching us right now?”

“I know it’s not much comfort to talk about getting stronger than something like that, as if it were nothing. And I know it’s not going to be easy living like this. It’s a lot to have over your head. But now you know that this isn’t you, that there isn’t something wrong with you like you were worried about. Jiina even said you’re so very different from her, so opposed to what she is. You never have to be afraid of becoming that on your own. And if she does change her mind about trying to take control again, well… you were already able to resist her, right? So that’s where the strength comes in. We’ll train until you never have to worry about anyone taking over your body again.”

Vallya nodded weakly, not daring to tear her head away from John’s chest. “But what about whatever’s left of her? Whatever bits of her are still inside me? How do I feel safe against them if they’re already a part of who I am?”

“That’s something you’ll have to figure out yourself,” John said simply, letting his free hand wander down Vallya’s side, tenderly massaging to help relax her tensed muscles. “But you know it won’t get worse, now. It might already be better. Whatever the case, you already know where to start.”

“I… do?”

“Sure you do! Jiina is vengeance, she’s wrath, she’s pain and suffering. But you?” John exaggerated his scoff, messing up Vallya’s hair vigorously, being sure to work over her twitching ears with a little extra ****. The blonde Kitsune let out a surprised gasp, her whole body shuddering as she started shaking her head back and forth to chase away the tingling from the playful overstimulation. “You’re a Star Guardian, right? You know now you really are all those things that you said you stood for when you first showed up, and so much more.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Vallya admitted, giving a pouty look as she released her **** grip on John and put herself to work fixing her hair.

“Don’t just focus on what you don’t want to be – focus on what you are, what you want to be! Begin by rejecting any violent or sadistic impulses, then start chasing the things you think should matter to you, the things you want to do, the things you want to be. What’s important to you, Vallya?”

“You. You are, John. I know that much, at least.” The most fragile of smiles graced Vallya’s face as she brought a hand up, her nails caressing John’s skin in the most delicate affection he’d ever gotten out of the haughty Kitsune. Hearing her say his name for a change made John’s eyes widen a little, but he didn’t call her out on it.

“Then focus on that feeling. And the same feelings I know you have for the others.” John traced his fingers through Vallya’s long blonde locks, as flawless as ever even after all that had happened, save a few stray leaves that had blown up in the chaos. “Whatever’s left inside of you might be weak, or it might be strong – but I know you can be stronger, Vallya. But you’re going to have to be sure of who you are, who you want to be.”

“Any idea where to start on that?” Vallya asked, trying to mask her vulnerability with a chuckle.

John gave it a long moment to think, recalling what it was like for him when he had been under the influence of the Shard of Bishamonten before getting it fully under his control. Even when he could clearly feel the Shard pulsing in his chest, it wasn’t always easy to tell how much of his anger was his own.

“Find something more important to you than vengeance,” John finally managed. “What you felt with Jiina still inside of you was probably ten times stronger than anything I dealt with, but maybe now you can start finding things – finding people – that can pull you out when those feelings start to wash over you. That anger is addicting. It feels good, it feels right, it feels just. It makes you happy to know that you… you feel like you’re making the world a better place, even if it’s through pain and suffering. Find something that makes you happier to keep safe than it does to avenge. Find something worth protecting.”

“You know what? I think… I think I can do that!” Vallya sniffled as she wiped away the tears building in her eyes, nodding resolutely. A touch of color returned to her cheeks, though her gaze fell nervously to her own chest shortly after. “But I don’t know if that’s enough. I, um, I should probably stay out here. Away from everyone… especially the kittens. At least until I’m sure I’m under control.”

“I think that sounds like a good idea,” John agreed. “If it’s alright with you, I’ll start having the others visit. I might not always be able to come myself, but it’ll give you a chance to interact with others, make sure you can be around them without issue – and you don’t need to stew out here alone anymore.

“Okay,” Vallya hesitated for a moment before giving a quick, jerky nod, “but maybe... only in groups? I’ve, uh, I’ve been training a lot out here. Even after I realized that fighting Barrier monsters wasn’t a great test for the feelings. Not a lot else to do, and I was hoping that one day I could be useful to you again, so I didn’t want to slack off. No sense being a disappointment on two fronts.”

“We’ve had our issues, but I’d never call you a disappointment, Vallya,” John assured her. “Especially knowing all this.”

John’s Observe called up Vallya’s sheet all the same, giving him the opportunity to inspect it a little bit closer.

“...Buuuut if it makes you feel better, I’ll tell Orria to chaperone the first few.”

Vallya giggled through the tears, her body shuddering against John’s. The sound of her amusement broke some of the somberness, freed them both to relax just a little.

“Even hearing that, just knowing you’re a little impressed, makes me feel so good,” Vallya whispered. “Maybe this won’t be so impossible after all.”

John helped Vallya to stand again, both of their legs a little shaky underneath them as they staggered their way to a nearby tree. John rested the tired Kitsune against its trunk warily, but Vallya held firm. Her face was pale, but she had regained at least enough strength for him to feel comfortable leaving her alone once more.

“I believe in you, Vallya.”

“I know you do, Master.”

John smiled in spite of himself. Normally he found the title a bit much, but hearing Vallya back to her old ways, even in that small regard, felt like the first step to bringing back her old self altogether.

"I know that there's a lot still ahead of us, Vallya, and it won't all be easy. We need to figure this out, and I'll need to talk to the kittens at some point, but..."