Biathlon final

E: The next event in one of my favorite ones, biathlon.

D: As most of you may know, this is a take on the popular winter race (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biathlon). I get why it’s one of your favourites, Elly. Unlike other events, where the men are just passive targets, in biathlon, they really have to put their testicles to work.

E: Exactly, Dan. Let’s remind the audience of the basic rules of Biathlon. The field is covered in fake snow to recreate the original sport. The men have a string attached to their nuts which is connected to a light sleigh where the women are. So, the job of the men is to pull the sleighs using only the strength of their balls. The men, needless to say, are completely nude and they have their hands tied behind their backs as they are not allowed to touch their genitals under any circumstance. The women, on the other hand, are allowed to touch the balls of their competitors, so they can tap, squeeze or punch them but they are not allowed to leave the sleigh.

D: The men have to complete 5 laps, which makes a total of 2,000 meters. But, after each one of the first 4 laps, the women will get out of the sleighs and untie the rope from the men’s balls. Both should then go to the shooting area. The men will position themselves as targets and the women will shoot at them with paintball guns.

E: The men will put their balls through holes located in the shooting range. Each participant has a hole assigned to him that has been adapted to his height. It’s very important that each participant positions himself so his balls are hanging from the hole. The women have to hit the men’s balls 5 times before they could resume the race. The team that completes the 5 laps including the 4 shooting rounds in first position will be crowned Olympic Champion.

D: If you are wondering about the dicks, it’s not allowed to put the dicks through the holes and it’s completely forbidden to wear any kind of chastity device or to use any implement to keep the dick out of the way. As we will se later, some guys have simply opted for shrinking their dicks as much as possible while others use different techniques to get their balls in the correct position.

E: The projectiles are not regular paintballs but equally hard. They had no colour so we will be able to see all the damage caused to the men’s balls.

D: I can testify they really hurt.

E: How do you know?

D: I did a report on biathlon a couple weeks ago and I had to do a simulation. So, I put my balls on the hole and a member of my crew shot. She hit bull’s eye. That really hurt for many hours and it was just one shot. I can imagine the pain these men have to bear.

E: I would love to see your balls being shot, Dan.

D: I will lend you the tape later, Elly.

E: That would be great but I would prefer to shoot them myself.

D: Erm…, the race is about to start so let’s introduce the 8 participant countries that will fight for gold tonight.