Being a Beat(Off) Cop

The three women stare at you expectantly, the Chief bemused, the half-naked Agent stonefaced, and the bitchy stripper cop smirking, her eyes covered by some bitchin sunglasses. You scratch your balls and glare at her. You're actually kind of jealous of how cool those shades look, and a trickle of inferiority tickles the edge of your lust-clouded mind.

"Lightbulb!" You gasp, your eyes lighting up as the spark of an idea ignites. "Chief Mcslut-boobs," you say, turning to her so quickly a dollop of left-over spit flies from your cock to land on the big-titted police chief's bare ankle. She grimaces as you continue, "I'm pretty much a cop, right? Then I need a uniform, something rad, like Ron McShane in that movie Don't Die Easy!"

Chief Neils blinks in confusion, and you hop on the balls of your feet, cock bouncing in your excitement. You are gonna look so cool! Then that bitch won't be able to say anything about how awesome her shades look. Hell yeah, score one for the genius over here.

"You have got to be kidding me."

You stop bouncing to snap a glare at Maxine. She's just standing there, arms folded under her massive funbags, mouth twisted into a sneer. "You're really going to let this numbskull head up such an important investigation?"

"Officer Guzz, that's quite enough!" Chief Neils says, turning a piercing glare of her own at her unruly subordinate.

"Mr. David is our best chance at finding the Furious Facefucker, and you will cooperate with him, officer," Agent Frelling says softly. "Or you may just wake up in a cell, rather outside your jurisdiction, I'm afraid," the chocolate amazon allows a small smile to grace her mouth, and even you feel slightly chilled. From behind her sunglasses, Maxine blanches and nods, her jaw clenched. You ignore her for a moment, and decide to play your trump card.

"I refuse to work with this dumb bitch if I don't get a cool uniform," you say, drawing yourself up to your full, dismal height to show how serious you are. This also gives you an excellent view of the Chief's prodigious rack, so y'know, two birds and all that. Fuckin' lightbulb.

Chief Neils looks from you to Maxine, and shrugs, causing her tits to jiggle enticingly. "Certainly, that can be arranged..."

Dun Dun

30 Minutes Later

Aww yeah. Who's a sexy beast? You's a sexy beast.

The Chief had allowed you to ransack a supply closet and pick out whatever you wanted. You could've gone classic detective, rock that trench coat and fedora. But Frelling already had that style, and you really wanted to stand out. The standard issue police uniform in this world was a little too, shall we say, Village People for your sensible masculine tastes, and you really didn't feel like being mistaken for Mr. **** from that old adult cartoon show. You wanted to be cool. You wanted to be tough. You wanted to get your dick sucked at the drop of a hat.

So now you look like a homeless reject who raided the Halloween section of a Flor-mart. Around your neck dangles a large, plastic police badge, which bumps rhythmically against your scrawny chest as you march through the precinct. You ditched your off-white wife beater tank top, and opted for a sweet leather shoulder holster, two top-of-the-line Flood **** **** Water Guns tucked securely away at your sides. If there's any real trouble, you've also got a SERF Barracuda Hydro Blaster strapped to your back. You're just waiting for a hood to try and take you on while you've got that bad boy waiting in the wings. To add a touch of "Do not fuck with," you decided to snag a couple of tooth picks, and amuse yourself by clumsily flipping them from side to side in your mouth. And to top it all off: you got yourself some actual Pilot brand sunglasses. Officer Guzz ain't got shit on ya now, son!

Oh, and you've decided to officially forego pants from here on out, as they'd just get in the way of your, uh, investigation.

You grin and shout out, "Villains, beware! Officer David, Loose Cannon, is comin' for ya!"