Behold, the Pumpkin Herald!

What was that old expression... fake it until you make it? This scheme was sort of like that. People didn't need to meet you face to face to learn of your fame. They just needed to know that you were out there. You'd need Pike's help for this one. With as stoic a voice as you could manage with your characteristic ghost warble, you told the elf that you needed a herald.

"Harold? Who?" The elf's eyes blinked with a genuine lack of recognition.

Damn. She really was pretty low on intelligence. Usually, fighters are the dumb ones, right? It feels like she's treated her intelligence dumpstat the same way the gods treated your dexterity when they made you. You spelled it out for her: H-E-R-A-L-D.

"Oh! Like uh, that enemy: "Cultist Herald." Right?"

You nodded your pumpkin enthusiastically, spilling more squishy, orange plant goop from your mouth as you did. She backed up slightly so as not to be spattered with it.

The elf nodded for a moment, then shook her head again. "I get you, but like I said, there's no monsters here to convert to your cult. And uh... also... you don't have a cult."

Not yet! But she would be your start disciple, your first cultist: Pike, the Pumpkin Herald! You pleaded with her, trying to clasp your hands together in a begging expression but ending up with your arms crossed instead. Why was that so hard to do when you actually wanted to cross them? Anyway, you really poured it on: "please please please pretty-pumpkin-pleeeeease?!" You were even starting to annoy yourself with the whining.

"No way, that sounds lame as hell! People would think I was some RP nerd for sure! Wait. Huh? Wait!" Pike evidently failed some kind of persuasion check, because her avatar caved almost immediately, in spite of her protests as a player. Before she could stop herself, she had extracted a title-granting badge from her bag, the sort of rare cosmetic piece that people used to adorn their display name with their favorite achievements. Things like "The Dragon Slayer" or "The King of the Mountain" or "The Princess Banger." You felt a little bad about how powerless she seemed; her eyes were haughty and uncooperative, while her hands were inscribing the badge at a rapid pace. Soon, she held the item into the air; it shined with golden light, then disappeared. "Ooooh, you orange-colored bastard! How high was your damn manipulation, anyway?!"

You thought you'd keep that a secret for now. With a small snirk, you checked her new status:

Level 16- "The Pumpkin Herald" Pike, the Thief
Player, Forest Elf, Explicit

You had to admit, that had a nice ring to it! Well, the Thief part was a little unwieldy tacked onto everything else, but other than that, not too shabby. You reassured Pike that people would think it sounded cool. Probably.

"'Cool?!' I sound like I'm a character from the Peanuts comics, warning everyone about some Great Pumpkin! Now I'm gonna seem just as out of season as you do, like those jackasses that wear their Easter gear during October just to show they've been playing long enough to have been around for that!"

You didn't know what the Peanuts comics were, but Great Pumpkin had a nice ring to it. No. Pumpkin Lord!

Pike had readopted her mocking smirk behind that mask of hers. "What kind of Lord wears a shabby farmer's shirt and hat? And no pants. I feel like not wearing any pants pretty much disqualifies you from being a lord."

You told her, on the contrary: being respected without wearing pants was quite a feat! Besides, you planned to replace your pants as soon as you could... Being reminded that your plant dong was hanging out made you feel a little bashful. Your wardrobe aside, there was a lot more that needed to be detailed about this master plan of yours. "Listen carefully," you told your minion, "because now begins my legend...!"

"Dude, save it for the peanut gallery. Just tell me what you want me to do."

After bobbing your pumpkin head in affirmation, you rigorously detailed your plan, which consisted of many offensively half-assed ideas rolled up into one hopefully whole-assed exp farming scheme... Speaking of which, she might need to get comfortable with the whole "respected without wearing pants" thing, because there was another critical part of your scheme you hadn't revealed yet...

It took a long time to explain the idea to Pike, although, amusingly, much less time to actually talk down her protests once it got started. As it turned, out, ordering Pike around was kind of addictive... it was like having an incredibly strong minion with tons of inventory space and, well, other perks that one didn't typically get from a pet or a follower. Would deciding it was okay to manipulate your powerful, level 16 friend eventually come back to bite you? Hmmmmmm...

Nah! She was having a good time. You both were! This wasn't manipulation, it was just joking around.

Gained 2 EXP for manipulation success!

That damn popup was like your moral compass, telling you when you were being a lout.

At any rate, here you were, alone in your cave, waiting for Pike to return so you could begin harvesting the fruits of your new plan. It sounded complex, but it was really simple. The elf would cast a lengthy invisibility spell on you (it was the one spell she knew). She'd lure people here. She'd step aside while you wailed in your ghostly voice about how this cave was the property of the Pumpkin Lord and you demanded tribute. The people would leave things for you, not because they respected the Pumpkin Lord, but because they thought it was some sort of quest. You'd get a couple of manipulation EXP points for your ruse, probably another 10 for your oratory and theatrics, potentially other assorted points you hadn't thought about. That, mixed with whatever EXP you could scrape out of the gifts they left you while you were waiting on the next batch of marks, would result in you becoming Level 3 in no time!

Plus, you could bop your head on the wall and make a couple of magic books that they could be delivered in the future, if you decided that sort of thing was necessary. You made a mental note to self: level up first to recover all of your stamina, then play Halloween Santa Claus, giving people books for all of their efforts. That ought to give the Pumpkin Lord fame, without risking people hunting around for an actual pumpkin.

Some might call you an unusually good-hearted pumpkin for your oddly benevolent, self-sacrificing plan, but if they did, they'd be ignoring the degree to which you'd taken advantage of Pike to accomplish the task.

With all of the timeliness of a girl who has a persistent Quick-Footed feat, Pike returned, bringing one or more suckers with her. "Hm hm hm... Just a little further... You're almost there, my new devotee of the Great Pumpkin..."

"Pumpkin Lord," dammit! You half-thought she was getting it wrong on purpose to get back at you for her part in this plan. If the fame didn't count because she was saying the wrong name, you were going to be pissed. Of course, there was really no danger of that, considering that right now, the title of "Pumpkin Lord" only existed in your head. You needed to reach an appropriate level and use one of those title change badges you'd seen Pike use earlier, if you wanted to make that dream a reality.

"Go on in... I'll wait out here. Remember: whatever the Pumpkin Lord says, you must obey."

... You wondered: had being manipulated over and over again caused Pike to start thinking you're supernaturally persuasive? You'd heard players were controlled by some sort of gods... If so, why was that god allowing her to follow your orders and spend so much time acting against her own interests? It was a mystery, for sure.

That said, you wondered if she and you both had overestimated your charisma and manipulation. Against someone who was lucky enough not to be saddled with a Mesmeric Curse specific to plant interactions, you thought your chances may be a little iffy. In fact, you were beginning to doubt this whole plan of yours. Maybe it would be best to just be completely silent? You were invisible, after all. If you said nothing, they'd just give up and leave... You felt yourself trembling on your post at the thought of willingly provoking one of those humans that beat you up all the time.

No more time for nerves! The first player was entering. You quickly analyzed their basic data:

Level 2- Winnifred the White, the Cleric
Player, Human, Explicit

Huh, there was a surprise... Given how you'd told Pike to get people in here, you'd really assumed that it would be mostly guys coming in. Interested, you looked the girl over as she entered. Whereas Pike's appearance was very subdued and understated, this cleric wore a long, white robe with gold adornments and immense, unfolded golden wings. On each of her hands were close-fitting gold gloves and in one of those gloves was a long, jeweled scepter. You'd tangled with enough humans to know that possibly everything she was equipped with had some sort of temporary cosmetic imbuement. Perhaps that made sense for someone on an RP server, but still, just looking at her frivolous appearance made you cringe a little.

Apart from that, she was attractive enough, with blond hair in a close bowl-cut, plump, pink lips, and stern but sparkling blue eyes. Her cosmetics were made to fit close enough to her body to show off her nice bosom and round bum rather well. You'd never noticed things like the cut of a player's garment in the past, but, well, your outlook on life and your libido were both pretty comparatively high these days.

Still, she looked like the pope, not a level 2 cleric, and she had one of those overblown names RPers tend to. She should have waited to get a title before tacking "The White" onto her name. She'd feel pretty stupid when she named herself Winnifred the White "the White Sage" somewhere down the line.

You'd been hoping your first visitor would look terrified of your presence, but her stout frown held an expression of intense purpose. Was she roleplaying right now? She realized no other player was watching her do it, right? Anyways, it was time for you to do your thing. You began to howl and growl, starting off by speaking words of **** for your fallen pumpkin comrades and warning that the Pumpkin Lord would only be satiated by gifts. You told her that resistance was useless! You told her to give generously or fall to the pumpkin's curse, but give well, and be recognized by the Pumpkin Lord and accepted into the Cult of the Pumpkin! Wooo~oooo!

The girl looked like she'd barely been listening to a thing you said. While you watched, hidden, she reached one of her gaudy gloves into her storage pouch's pocket and pulled out something shiny. Finally, your first gift! Eagerly, you leaned your head forward...

Then got a face full of holy water, from the flask she'd whipped out from her belt! Oh nooooo, it... it....

It put your candles out! They'd light back up in a little while, but for now, you blinked awkwardly. You hoped the girl would realize she hadn't done any damage to anything just now and would give up whatever strange quest she was on.

"I saw a "hit" indicator! I know you are here! You shan't escape, spirit. For my faith, I must exorxise you!" The girl shouted every damn word she said; her voice echoed and reverberated throughout the cave, hurting your non-existent pumpkin ears.

The way the girl talked was both confusing and agitating, with words that were mispronounced the way they were misspelled and, overall, just insufferably loud. You'd never heard another player speak this way, RPer or otherwise. Plus, it seemed like the girl had only gone along with Pike because she wanted to exorcise a ghost, for whatever reason. The girl brought out a cross-shaped amulet and began waving it around next, with sharp movements like she was brandishing some kind of weapon. The thing would repel undead, but, despite common misconception, as a pumpkin-head, you were neither a ghost nor a possessed construct- you were merely a plant. That thing wouldn't do her any good.

Frankly, by this point, you were getting a little impatient. You'd begun to realize there wasn't going to be any progress towards your EXP or your free gifts if you didn't rattle her back onto the intended path. But how could you get through to her without revealing you were a pumpkin-head? You had to act like a ghost- a fearsome one. What would a real ghost do in this situation...?