Balzhak the Goblin Guru and his kobold camera crew.

"Balzhak's Life Lessons for the Lesser, # 338: enter any arrangement in a way your opponent does not expect. For us goblins, that usually means a frontal approach, well-dressed, with an appropriate fragrance and impeccable grooming. Arrive well-prepared; chisel notes, write them by pen, or use a digital medium, if your society's rate of technology and your own wealth are both applicable." The camera's frame zoomed in to capture the gorgeous, chiseled... green... face of an uncharacteristically tall and commanding goblin, his eyes hidden by suave, rectangle-rimmed glasses with black frames. The rest of his suit was, as advertised, designed to impress, modeled after humanity's finest in black-dyed silk, with silver tailoring around the large, flared lapels at the chest and sleeves. Beneath, he wore a light purple, button-up silk shirt and darker purple tie, clipped down with a silver pin displaying his "GG" Goblin Guru logo. His long, red-brown hair was trimmed into a short goatee at his chin and held into a tight man-bun upon the back of his head.

If it weren't for the deep green hue of his skin, the man could easily be taken for a debonair human TV personality. Well, that and that his wingtip, white business loafers were clearly larger than a human's would be, to house his over-sized feet. As far as his face, it had been completely remodeled for the camera, the nose flattened to a sweeping, angular shape where a long hook once screamed "GOBLIN." Some called him a race traitor. Others heeded his wisdom: Balzhak's Life Lessons for the Lesser, #59: Become what you need to be to get the job you want to get. Then make your own rules."

And certainly, Balzhak had made many rules, now numbering over 1000. As the man led his procession of scaly-skinned, well-dressed kobolds towards the so-called Tower of Total Defeat, he continued to smirk into the camera, tilting his chin up to signal one of the females to come in for a close-up. "Tower of Total Defeat, huh? Well, it's time I introduced them to the Man of Total Success. Aaah, Xyss-ssis, do we have time for me to sidebar about my past, before I became the Goblin Guru?"

One of the camera-women, Xyss-ssis, nodded her red, lizard-like head and stuck her tongue out the side of her beak, while flashing a thumbs up. Like the rest of the kobolds, she was a wide-hipped, reptilian creature with a beak-like mouth full of small, pointed teeth. While Balzhak looked at home in fashionable clothing, the kobolds all looked a bit goofy dressed in blazers, mini-skirts, and modern clothing.

"Fantastic. My faithful listeners have heard this story enough times to memorize it, I'm sure, but I want you all to memorize it yourselves now. Imagine the goblin as most of the world knows him... a little green menace. A creature who roams in packs, digs himself a cave somewhere, attacks adventurers without reason, maybe even rapes a person or two before his untimely **** at the blade of some adventurer. Early on, I ran with that crowd. I wore a little leather cap and flourished my little rusty knife, just like a good little goblin should. You know why people get so tired of goblin encounters? Because goblins are all trapped in their little hamster-cage, never thinking outside that box. Can't perceive a larger world. Don't want to. For a goblin, it's a victory just to kidnap some peasant girl. It's a huge victory if we manage to manufacture some trap and catch an adventurer in it. We limit ourselves and think small... it lets other creatures walk all over us."

The man pulled a rusted knife from his pocket and held it towards the camera, tilting down his glasses so that the viewers of his popular self-success program broadcast could see his clear disdain for the pathetic memento. "This is that knife I carried. And this..." he paused, sticking the knife back into his breast pocket and replacing it in his hand with an outdated cellular phone from the year 2015, "is a gift, left to me by a careless human. You know how humans are always dropping themselves through time and space to stomp all over our worlds, right, goblins? I managed to recover one of these... and it launched me into the future. The right combination of this cellular device and a world so Earth adjacent we pick up their wi-fi, plus luminescent eels that I could use for a battery source. Using this, I harnessed so much of their knowledge and once the humans' tourist tromp was over, I moved in to civilize my entire world, thrusting us right into modern society. With magic atop technology, we moved so much further beyond... we surpassed the humans in mere years. Then, I conquered their Earth."

The goblin smiled, pocketing the phone and then pressing both hands together, breathing deeply. "We all have a Goblin Guru inside of us, just waiting to grab success. Maybe you just need your own phone and small cave full of eels and access to wi-fi? Or maybe... you need the help of a special, legendary gem-stone called the Reality Crystal. Today, on my 1000th anniversary episode, I'm going to show you just how simple it is to waltz into this so-called 'Tower of Total Defeat' and grab hold of an object of power that can change your world forever. Maybe your big break is waiting in some tower somewhere too? Maybe your world's king is hoarding some super weapon powered by human souls or your world's hero can be duped into giving you a sword that creates electricity, which you can then use for a battery, if you give him a weapon with a higher STR rating? Maybe there is a race of elves with a complex network of magical delivery devices, who are gullible enough that they can be prompted to work in your sweatshops once you sniff out their secret society? Who knows? The opportunities are out there, my brothers. Balzhak's Life Lessons for the Lesser #1: Seize the opportunity."

"Now, if you're a first time viewer," he continued, cupping one hand to his chin and tilting his bearded jaw up slightly, "you're probably wondering what makes the Goblin Guru so sure of himself. What type of guru is he, anyway? The answer to that is simple: I am every type of guru. I am a life guru... a full-life guru. I take lesser beings and make them more. If you want to turn your life in general around, I can help you do that; simply stay tuned. Want to get in shape? I have the daily regiment. Want to fix your body through diet instead? I can recommend the menu. Want to achieve... I don't know... spiritual enlightenment? I am a yogi, a spiritual guide of higher rank than other yogis are permitted to speak. How about self-defense? I'll teach you techniques so potent that the less fortunate can only refer to them as 'cheating.' Magic? I've conquered so many kingdoms and absorbed so many magics, I don't count them any more- I let the magic do that for me. I need no magic stone because I control reality already through my sheer **** of dedication and practiced talent. You will never be me... but you can be a little more like me."

The Goblin Guru reached into his breast pocket once more and pulled out a deodorant stick bearing his handsome, smiling visage. "With my Balzhak Deoderant products. Smell like success: smell like Balzhak." He replaced the item inside the magic pocket of his suit's blazer, which could, defying rational limitations, hold any number of small items. "Now, my brother goblins, don't be fooled: my unassailable credentials and skill in all subjects will make my collection of this Reality Crystal seem like child's play. I likely shall not need to resort to **** here to get what I want; the goblin that jumps to **** is the goblin that falls prey to his own, bestial nature and demeans himself. A master guru always has something more worthwhile to offer in his barter. Simply note that your own journey to the top may be much more difficult than portrayed on this program. Still, let my journey-"

Xyss-siss flicked her blue tongue nervously and raised her hand to interrupt. "Bosssss, we've got usss a little problem. The camera isssss out of battery again-"

The goblin sighed, then produced what looked to be a ballpoint pen from his pocket. He pointed it towards his underling, then released a blast of electricity, causing her spines to stand on end, her eyes to open wide, and a burnt smell to rise from her reptilian flesh... but the camera was recharged.

"Please remember to keep it charged, Xyss-siss. One of you, get on editing that. Okay, let's take it from 'difficult'... Ahem. Still, my journey will serve as inspiration for your own ventures, and in time, you may become the guru of your own goblin village or perhaps an entire kingdom. Balzhak's Life Lessons for the Lesser #5: Always aim to be greater than yourself."

At last, Balzhak arrived at the front of the tower and pushed it open, his army (camera crew) of lady kobolds moving cameras and microphones on long poles around him to perfectly frame the shot as the light from inside the torch-lit tower spread upon his face, whitening his glasses over his thick-lidded, unusually blue eyes.