Aubrey makes good decisions

“It’s pretty.”

“…And dangerous, probably.”

“Ethan. Sweetie. My guy. It’s fiiiine.”

A slight pause as they both contemplated the horrifying crack in the wall.

The young man was named Ethan Winther. He was a tall and spindly sort, with pale skin and long, black hair. Usually he might’ve teetered at the edge of casually gothic—the kind of wardrobe that stood out, but not enough to be obnoxious. Tonight, he was happy in pajamas.

The young woman by his side was named Natalie Garza. A whole lot shorter and spunkier, she was a tomboy with an array of vaguely European, vaguely Latina features. She couldn’t tell you where her ancestry was based, aside from ‘a bit of everywhere, I guess?’, but she didn’t care all that much, either. This was her attitude for a lot of things.

They were really cute together.

And they could’ve kept being cute together, if movie night wasn’t interrupted by a giant crack in the wall.

“Should we call the police?” Ethan asked. “I mean, it’s glowing.”

Natalie gave a yawn, studying the droplets of rain on their apartment window. “Maybe? It hasn’t really done anything though, aside from suddenly existing.”

Another pause.

She grinned. “Wanna poke it?”

“What? No!” Ethan glared at her. “We’re leaving that thing alone.”

“Pfff, you’re no fun.” She was already getting up.

“No. Touching. The weird crack.”

“Look, I’m touching the weird crack!.”

“Nat!”

She giggled. “What, you think it’s gonna tear open and swallow me?”

And at that moment, it tore open and did exactly that.

---

“You. Killed. Her.” The voice was deep and gravelly, with the sorta rumble you’d expect from Hollywood villains and slow-stalking predators.

“You told us to!” Said the second voice, high-pitched and grating.

“I told you to kill the samurai. The Emperor’s granddaughter was meant to be a hostage!”

“Boss?” The third voice was halfway between the other two. Confident, but not nearly enough to interrupt the first.

“See where this lands us with the Master. You expect him to be pleased with your little stunt?”

“O-of course not! But surely it can’t be that bad—”

“—Boss—”

“It is that bad! It’ll be our heads if we come back empty-handed, you blithering fool!”

“Boss!”

“What?”

“She’s not dead. Neither of them are.”

And at that, Natalie woke up to just… So much goddam information all at once.

First and foremost, super important, before she could even begin processing the porn body, the weird clothes, the fancy sword, or the three ugly dudes, there was a singular truth she took all of ten seconds to parse.

She was extremely drunk.

She was also, like, in a field or something, but she was too busy swaying and giggling to wonder if that mattered.

Okay. Cool. Now for the changes.

Natalie had the sudden luxury of being well over six feet, her body lined with tight muscles and enough curves to make driving fun and dangerous. She was more handsome than pretty, her features carrying a casual intensity that almost distracted you from the giant tits—but they were just that big. Though most striking was the red skin covered in old scars and a single, sprawling tattoo of a serpent.

Natalie liked this.

The old sweater she stole from Ethan was gone. In its place were chest bindings and a loose fitting kimono, simple in design and haphazardly held together by a sash. Looking down, she found a drinking gourd in one hand and a long, pitch-black katana in the other.

Natalie really liked this.

“How.” Said the first voice. It belonged to a tall, swollen monstrosity covered in lumps and puss, wearing a ragged robe with the same samurai film aesthetic Natalie had on. “We pelted you with Holy arrows. Even if you could survive, you would be in agony.”

Natalie shrugged. “Dream logic, zombie-dude. If my subconscious says I get to be an immortal samurai lady, I get to be an immortal samurai lady.”

“Natalie!” A melodic fourth voice echoed through the air. “Not a dream! Not a dream!”

They all turned to the voice. It was an adorable young woman splayed on the road some distance away.

“Ethan? God, I am loving this.”

“Sh-shut up!”

He was stunning like a princess, his soft, delicate body a gentle pink in contrast to Natalie’s harsh red. Like her, he had enough curves to make a porn star jealous. Unlike her, this was in no way intimidating—he was just too small and cute and perfect, with his big eyes and ohmygosh look at how precious his pout is. He was tightly wrapped in an immaculate kimono, leagues more elaborate and put-together than hers, decorated in flowers and doing precious little to hide the long, slender leg peaking out. His hair, now white and silky, was done in a bun and held together by one of those Japanese hairpins.

Also, very important, his ass was even bigger than Natalie’s. Less important, he had horns.

Natalie reached up. She also had horns.

She giggled.

“W-we need to get out of here,” said Ethan, struggling to stand in the heeled geta sandals that completed his outfit. “These zombie things, they want to—Natalie, focus!”

“You’re so small!”

“Not relevant!”

“It’s super relevant! Look at us—tell me fucking in these bodies isn’t the first thing on your mind right now.”

“M-maybe not the first! We’re in danger, Nat!”

The zombie dude interrupted the exchange with a deep-throated growl. It then glared at the pair of skeletal, almost ghoulish figures at his sides. “Deal with the samurai. I’ll see to our hostage.”

Time slowed. Natalie blinked. The ghouls had shifted their stances, each with a longbow in hand, and she counted four glowing arrows coming straight for her. But just as quickly, her katana swung forward and cut through them like air.

After a breath, she grinned. “Fuck yeah! Didn’t mean to do that, like, at all, but—”

The fifth arrow grazed her shoulder and she howled in pain.

…Actually, pain wasn’t the right word here. Pain was familiar, something she linked to getting cut, or ramming her foot into the wall. But this? This was excruciating: a shrill of heat and wrongness that exploded through her body and lingered like acid. Natalie screamed, her mind reeling with sudden, harsh realization.

Ah. So this wasn’t a dream.

Natalie let out an unsteady breath. She locked eyes with the two ghouls, their bows focused on her. She looked to the bigger one, stalking its way towards her boyfriend. Her very pretty, very dainty, very in-danger boyfriend.

And Natalie saw red.

Her body went fluid with instinct and rage. In the second it took her to reach one ghoul, her gourd collided squarely in the other. And in the second it took the first ghoul to blink at her arrival, her katana was already slamming down. Though to its credit, the ghoul stumbled aside, its movements barely enough to dodge one, two, three strikes.

“H-hang on!” it spat out shakily. “You’re just a sellsword—”

It dodged her fourth strike.

“—and she’s just a—”

It dodged her fifth strike.

“—how much are they paying you!?”

It failed to dodge her sixth.

Natalie weaved around. The leader was plodding away with Ethan kicking and screaming over its shoulder. She lunged; in one bound, she had the katana out and ready. In two bounds, she closed most of the distance between herself and the leader. And in three bounds, she vanished in a rainbow puff of smoke.

---

Aubrey watched in horror as the air cackled with rainbow-colored electricity.

“Seriously? Seriously!?” She cried. “How is there another wild surge!?”

She tried jumping back in fear—and immediately failed and fell forward. Cramming her ass into the garden chair was already enough of an achievement, after all, getting it out would be a whole different endeavor. So she could do nothing but wait as the colors coalesced, only to explode and reveal…

A tall, red, and distractingly chiseled demon lady in a kimono. Who, as far as Aubrey could tell, was as confused as she was.

They stared at each other. The hunky demon lady made no move to do or say anything. Aubrey wondered if she could make her bizarre ground-pose seem natural.

“Oh, uh, hi there,” She finally squeaked out. No response. “This isn’t… I mean… I’m, uh… Are those horns real?”

Admirable diplomacy, Aubrey. Opening your mouth was such a good idea.

“You.” Gosh, the demon lady even sounded handsome. “Where is this?”

It took a few moments for Aubrey to remember how to use words. “I-I’m sorry?”

“I said…” The demon lady took a step closer, upsettingly large black katana in hand. “Where is this?”

“I don’t… That’s not… What?”

Another step closer. “Five seconds.”

“I don’t know! I’m sorry!”

The handsome demon lady paused. “Alright. Fine.”

And then she lunged.

“No! Please! Stop!”

And the demon lady did that, too.

“Gah—What the… How are you…” Specifically the demon lady was frozen in place, her katana millimeters away from Aubrey’s throat. Her body was crackling with rainbow electricity. “What did you do!?”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t kill me!”

“Fix this!”

“I don’t know how!”

“Fix. This.”

“I don’t… This is all so… Please, just calm down!”

Immediately, and to her own surprise, the demon lady took a long, deep breath. “Look. I wasn’t gonna kill you. I just need answers, you were being useless, and I’m kinda in a huge fucking rush—”

Aubrey whimpered.

The demon lady tried again. “My name’s Natalie. I woke up here with my boyfriend, looking like… Well, this. Then he got kidnapped by zombies. I’m not doing super great right now.”

“…I’m Aubrey,” Aubrey eventually said. “I woke up here too, and…”

This is all because I tried doing magic.

“…I don’t know what happened. But I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend.”

“It’s fine—well, no, it’s not fucking fine, but I won’t blame you for it, either.” Natalie grimaced as her bindings started to tear, her giga-boobs becoming more and more visible. “You can undo this, right? It’s getting really damn weird.”

“Oh, uh, hopefully? You can move again.”

Natalie pulled her sword away and flexed her hand experimentally. “Dope.”

“So…”

“Yeah?”

“I think I might actually have something.” Aubrey was doing her very best to keep the this is all my fault please don’t kill me from her voice. She was almost succeeding. “I’ve been… I don’t know how to put this… Remembering things that this body knew? Maybe you can too.”

“Sure...?”

“And, well, this body knows… Knew a lot. That’s all it’s good for, really. And, uh…”

Natalie was slowly picking on the panic in Aubrey’s voice. “Dude, just tell me.”

“Your skin, and horns, and clothes… I think you’re from this place called the Xing Empire. It’s… Japan’s Edo period, but everyone’s part-demon, part-dragon, or part… Fish-thing? It’s really interesting, now that I think about it. There’s lots of points of—”

“Aubrey.”

“It’s-at-the-other-side-of-the-world-I’m-so-sorry.”

A pause. The silence lingered in the air like stale food.

Natalie blinked. “Ah. Sure. Cool. Thanks for letting me know.”

Another pause. Aubrey held her breath.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

Natalie nodded. “Oh yeah. Probably. Hey, weird question. You have, like, fantasy booze or something? Or maybe something I can just, I dunno, punch real hard?”

“I mean, I’m not really attached to any of the trees here…”

“Dope, dope, thanks a bunch.”

Natalie wandered off until Aubrey couldn’t see her anymore. Then, suddenly, Aubrey heard a massive boom in the distance.

Then, a second.

And a third.

A fourth.

Aubrey held still for a good few seconds. “I shouldn't feel guilty over lying. I mean..."

A fifth tree fell over.

"Yeah, no, I'm gonna die."

---

PARTY:

Player: Aubrey Schwartz | Race: Elf | Class: Arcanist 15

Player: Natalie Garza | Race: Tiefling (oni-spawn) | Class: Samurai 16, Barbarian 2

OTHER NOTES:

ANDY’S WILD MAGIC TABLE #10: A low-level barbarian of the caster’s preferred sex appears and swears undying loyalty. Though the barbarian is very attractive, they have a low intelligence score and will often fail to follow the caster’s orders correctly.