Arthur is driven crazy by suspicion

Chapter 3

Arthur’s Story

I woke up with a banging headache. As usual I made myself promises about drinking less, and forcing Merlin to retire from his post as Chief Druid. I then slowly turned my head as I watched Guinevere sat up from the bed. To my surprise, she let out a ripping fart. I laughed and pinched my nose. “Christ, Guin, give us some notice so I can open the drapes next time.”

“Why all the drama? It’s only trapped air. It always happens to me after butt sex.”

“What?”

“Erm. I’m just joking... It’s just the sprouts from last night.”

“Oh... that OK.” Stretching out, l let out a groan. “Time to get up.” As I threw back the bed sheets. My eyebrows nearly jumped off my forehead at the sight of what looked suspiciously like cum. “You sure?”

“Yeah... why?”

“That fart blurted what looks like cum all over the bed sheet.”

Guinevere seemed embarrassed and pulled the sheet back up to her neck. “Actually, I didn’t want to say anything... but now you know”

“Go on?”

“When you came back last night, well, you took advantage of me.”

“Did I..?” I felt proud. “But you would never let me stick it in your bum.”

“You surprised me. I tried to get you out... but you know what you’re like, a few thrusts and you squirt.”

“I’m sorry.” I began collecting the cum by scraping my fingers across the sheets.

“What the hell are you doing? I’ll get the maid to clean it up.”

“She’s not having it.”

“What?”

I began rubbing it into my cheeks. “You told me it was good for my skin. Remember?”

“But...”

“Relax, it’s mine anyway. Don’t worry about it being inside your bottom. I see it as you’ve just been keeping it warm for me all night.”

The sun shone brightly, lighting the courtyard in warm golden rays. Loving the good weather I walked with a spring in my step. I then developed a pompous swagger noticing that Guinevere continued to limp. I teased and lightly slapped her bottom cheek.“I wonder what you got up to last night?”

“You have no idea.”

The metallic rattle of the raising portcullis drowned out our conversation. Riding in on his white stallion, Lancelot made his first appearance of the day. He jumped off his horse with fine athleticism. “Morning folks”

I shielded my eyes as the sun reflected off his highly polished armour. “Morning Lance. Great night last night, wasn’t it?”

“Fantastic, I just got back actually. Felt randy as hell after dropping you back. So hit the town for last orders, in the hope of catching some easy pickings.”

Guinevere crossed her arms. “Easy..?”

“Yeah... you know me, less picky than a dung collector.”

Guinevere burst into tears and limped away as quickly as she could.

“What’s up with her? Why is she running like Quasimodo?”

I folded my arms and wore the widest smile that has ever graced my face. “I fucked her in arse.” I then glanced over my shoulder and nodded toward my fine work, before returning to Lancelot. “As you can see, I proper destroyed her.”

“Well done you. You should smile more often, you look younger when you do.”

“No, you know what that is? Merlin told me you should wipe cum on your face. I collected it after she deposited some on the sheets.”

“Arthur... That was just one of Merlin’s jokes.”

“What?”

“You know... like if your horse is tired you should fuck it in arse.”

“But...Oh, no wonder the stable boy doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

“Arthur, surely you know Merlin is never serious... Christ, sometimes I wonder how you became king.”

“It’s heredity, Lance.”

“Interbreeding more like.”

I took off my crown and scratched my thinning hair. “It’s not just me, he fooled Guinevere too.”

“Poor Guin can be gullible at times too.”

“Don’t tell her anything, though, not while she lets me cum on her face every night.”I placed my crown back on my head. “Anyway, I better go and wash my face, then.”

“When you next see Guin. Please send her my sincerest apologies. And tell her that I didn’t mean what I said.” Lancelot brushed his hands through his blond locks. “Sometimes I say or do things without thinking.”

“You know what women are like, Lance. Probably on her period or even worse... Pregnant.”

“Whoa... don’t say that.”

“Yeah... better not. Dealing with Merlin is enough without having kids.”

I opened the bedroom door and stepped inside. Guinevere lay on the bed with her face buried into the pillow. Sitting beside her, I lay a hand on her shoulder. “What happened?”

“Lance is a bastard.”

“I’ve been telling you that for ages, but you’re always telling me he’s a nice guy.”

“I never want to see him again... Hang him.”

I chuckled to myself. “I was thinking about that until he told me he was gay”

“Why would that stop you?”

“Well now not only is he a great battlefield commander, he can interrogate prisoners.”

“Huh?”

“No one likes a dick in the arse.”

Guinevere groaned into the pillow. “Tell me about it.”

“So... are you going to tell me what’s up?”

“Nothing... just forget it.”

“Something’s up... I don’t think I have ever seen you cry before.”

Guinevere lifted her tear strewn face from the pillow. She scowled, “That’s just it, you never see anything.”

“I do.”

“You don’t, you just go around living your life the way the way you want. Meanwhile everyone around are taking advantage of you.”

“Who?”

“I bet if I had sex with someone, you would be too stupid find out... and even if you did, you’ld forgive me in less time than it would for me to call you a pathetic old fool.”

“You wouldn’t betray me, would you?” My heart began to bleed while I watched Guinevere’s face crumble. “Guin?”

“I...”

“Who?”

“You don’t know him...”

“I demand you tell me.”

Guinevere pointed towards the door. “Him.”

I turned around. “Who?”

“The guard.”

I stood from the bed and drew my trusty sword, Excalibur. “Guard!” The door opened and in ran the guard. I thrust my sword into his chest, then kicked him off my bloodied blade. I glanced at my wife. “Tell me, was it him who bummed you?”

“Yes.”

I glared at the dying guard. “You cheeky bastard.” Luckily I was wearing my armoured boots, so I began kicking him, taking years and years frustration out on the hapless dying man.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead, and felt my belly rumble. “Right... now that’s sorted, let’s go and see what’s for dinner.”

“ always makes me hungry.”

“And you say I know nothing.”

Guinevere stepped over dead guard. She flashed the smile she knew I loved. Then put her arm around my waist. “I fancy roast duck... You?”

“I’m feeling a little heavy, might go for a salad.”

I was walking the gardens to digest my food. It also gave me a chance to clear my mind off the day’s events. But my thinking time was interrupted by my useless Cheif Druid, Merlin. “Hey, I got a bone to pick with you, Fuck Face.”

“I told you that feeding the horse distracts it while your mounting it from behind... if you got kicked it’s your fault.”

“Yeah, about that. I’ve been rubbing cum on my face and fucking tired horses for the past month. Stop it with the practical jokes... they’re shit.”

“I think they’re quite funny.”

“They’re not.” My pointed finger brushed his bony nose. “I’ve been walking around with a knob that smells like a fish monger’s apron and a face that smells like a teenager’s bedroom.”

“I don’t know what your problem is. My cock smells a lot worse after what I got up last night.” Merlin scratched his nuts. “How is Guin after her bumming?”

“H... How do you know?”

“I’m.” Merlin ran his fingers through his whispery beard. “I’m... omnipresent.”

“Look, I don’t even know what that means, but if you’ve been hiding under my bed again, then you obviously knew it wasn’t me.”

“I...”

“Merlin, I’ve given you more chances that a special needs kid. You have to start giving me something back.”

“One day jokes like that will be frowned upon.”

I thought he had a cheek. “What? And telling your best mate to wipe cum on his face isn’t?”

“That joke, Sir, is timeless.”

My fist clenched and my arm curled to throw a punch. “Why didn’t you tell me about the guard?”

“Oh... the guard. Right... It was dark, and I was too busy rubbing away in the shadows to notice it wasn’t you.”

“You’re a dirty bastard.”

“Look on the bright side, you now have a free pass?”

I folded my arms.“For what?”

“To go out and get .”

“I can’t sorry, I love Guin.”

“You’re foolish.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m not... I just have my nuts in a vice.”

“You haven’t got any nuts to squeeze.”