Lance is confronted by Guinevere and her sore bottom

Lancelot’s Story

I smiled into the mirror while passing the comb through my golden locks. “Having to look at a face as handsome every morning, no wonder I turned out gay.” Obviously grooming plays a major part in my daily routine. After all, it would be a sin not to indulge.

The bedroom door smashed open. Dropping my comb, I turned to face an angry Guinevere. “Not heard of knocking?”

“Lance, you utter bastard.”

“Don’t take out your period pains on me.” I turned back to gaze into the mirror. Not even an emotional queen could interrupt my worship. “Can you not see I’m busy?”

“Lance!”

The incessant bitch was relentless. I put down the comb and turned to face Guinevere. “What is it?”

“How dare you sleep with me... and then have to guts to refer to me as easy pickings.”

“Come again?”

“I said...”

“Whoa. I know what you said... but I would never rodger you, honest.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

“I am many things, devishly handsome, intelligent and quick witted to name but a few. But crazy isn’t one of them.”

“Arrogant tool”

“OK, you named another one, well done.” I sat on the bed and patted the mattress for Guinevere to sit. However she remained stood. I glanced up at the crest fallen queen. “Come on, what is it? Tell me what all this is about.”

“Last night we had sex. You have to remember, or I’ll go insane.”

“Guin, if I was straight I’d be smashing you all over the battlements. But I’m not. Now please, relax and talk me through what happened.”

“Last night, after you dropped Arthur off... we had a moment.”

“You mean you begged me to fuck you. Don’t worry, though, I get it all the time. But I left.”

“Yes, but after you left, you came back and wrecked my... bottom.” Guinevere grimaced as she placed a hand on her behind. “It’s still looser than a stretched sock.”

“Whoa, stop right there. I went to town, I promise. I was busting butts in an alleyway behind the Dragon’s Inn. Anyway, I thought Arthur told me it was the Guard.”

“No, I just told him that to save your arse... even though you wrecked mine. Have you not seen my limp?”

I felt my chin as Guin shifted her weight to her good leg. “I mean, that limp is my signature... But I know what I did and didn’t do. Who else was around?”

“No one came into my room... I did pass Merlin on the stairs, though.”

“There you go, question Merlin, maybe he saw something... or did something. After all, he is a right dirty fucker.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But there was no beard, and this guy was tall and well built... it was you, I’m certain of it. We talked while we fucked. I heard your voice, smelt your skin. Lance I’m more than certain it was you.”

All this was becoming too much for me. Now you know why I’m gay, these women are fucking nuts.“Look, you’re freaking me out now, Guin. I gotta go.”

“You’re freaked out? Imagine how I feel?”

“Have a word with Merlin.”

“The man disgusts me. And so do you for not admitting to what you have done.”

This broad wasn’t giving up. No wonder Arthur is pussy whipped. “I won’t admit to something I didn’t do.” I picked up my sword belt and buckled it to my waist. “All I have left to say is this, Arthur is more than my King, he is my brother. Why would I sleep with his wife? Now, forgive me. I have work to do.”

“You bastard.”

I bowed to a tearful Guinevere. “Good day to you, Ma’am.”

Inside the royal stables I placed my foot into my horse’s stirrup. As I lifted my leg, the saddle bag came loose and dropped onto the cobbles. “Fucking hell.” It wasn’t like me to make such an amateurish error.

I lifted myself back down and picked up my saddle bag. Guinevere had me worried, in fact she was all I could think about. This crazy woman could be the of me. Last night I had been drinking, yes. I did have a fair few pints in fact. But I felt in control at all times and my mind was definitely clear.

As I reattached the saddle bag, the sun painted a shadow of a man on the whitewashed wall. I glanced over my shoulder to spot Arthur. “Oh... Hello, Arthur.”

“I have been watching you, you seem rather flustered.”

“Nothing, just feel a little rough after last night. Think I’m too old to live the life of a young man.”

“It’s more than that.”

I hate being questioned. Pressure makes me crumble, and I’m the worst liar in the world “Your wife is going crazy. You should take her to see a priest or some kind of medicine man.”

“Tell me about it. Guin is a proper ball wrecker isn’t she? But it’s not like you to have a go at her. What’s up?”

I really have to learn to start lying. In fact there is no time like the present. “She... burst into my room and accused me of... sleeping with...’’ A blank canvas formed in my mind. My cringe was there for the world to see. “Merlin.”

“I know you’re gay... but Merlin?

“I know I would stick a dead horse, before sleeping with Merlin.

“Anyway, don’t worry about Guin. She has been acting really funny with me too. Been bursting into tears every few minutes. Poor girl is a cart wreck...”

I sighed with relief. Good job Arthur is as gullible as an innocent child. “What do you think is wrong with Guin?”

“I have told her that all is forgiven. I have also told her not to be embarrassed about farting his cum out this morning... I mean, you must now about that... being a bummer.”

“Yeah... Bubbly trumps aren’t the best.” I climbed onto my horse. “But can’t be helped.”

“Where are you off to?”

“I was told Merlin was in the woods collecting herbs for this magic, so thought I would have chat. You coming?”

“No, you go. If he tells you smoke something... I’d advise you decline, not while he has you alone in the woods.”

The sun shone as I rode along the wooded path. My horse’s hoofs clipped along the stony ground. All the time I kept a vigilant eye out for bandits. Suddenly a flock of starlings flew out of the canopy of trees. I placed my hand on the hilt of my sword, ready to draw my blade at a moment’s notice.

A naked woman dashed out. Her healthy tits swayed in the summer rays as she ran. The woman stopped and stared at me. She seemed in a panic while her pale skin was gleamed with sweat. I recognised her as one of the girls from the whorehouse, Edith I seemed to recall. Her overgrown bush would never be expectable in the gay community. The girl then continued running across the road and back into the trees.

I kicked my horse to continue but stopped again as Merlin ran out holding a rabbit by its ears. “Merlin?”

“Oh, hello... Have you seen a naked woman around here?”

“I thought you were collecting herbs..? Not rabbits.”

“I was... but felt the urge to go rabbitting... Hey, stop looking at my cock.”

He was pretty well hung... but it looked rather diseased. “Your woman ran towards town.”

“Right... I’ll be on by way then.”

“Hey, I wanted a word, actually.”

“Come on lance... I need to make sure I catch her to get my monies worth.”

“Guinevere.”

“What about the randy bitch.”

I watched the rabbit kicking with its hind legs. Its fur was matted with some kind of grease. “Guin is acting all strange around me. You know why?”

“Err, no... come on Lance, hurry up. There’s a cold breeze here, my dick shrivelling up like dried fruit.”

My suspicion grew while I watched Merlin fidget. He was acting like a guilty man facing the chop.“You know something about Guinevere, what is it? Guinevere... you like her don’t you?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“You would break her doors down, wouldn’t you. What happened last night?”

“Alright, alright.” Merlin gave his cock a little rub before pushing it down with his hand. “Last night, on the stairs, I caught her wanking.”

“Really?”

“God’s honest truth. She was rubbing so hard that her hand became a blur.”

“What a strange woman. Not really stately behaviour.”

“Strange... I’d love a girl like that... turned me on like a light bulb.”

I had no idea what the mad magician was on about. “What’s a light bulb?”

“Forget it, they’ll be around long after you’re ten feet under. Can I go now?”

“No, tell me more. What happened after that?”

“N.. nothing.”

I snapped. “Merlin!”

“Alright, I watched in the shadows while I rattled one out. Before quietly leaving.”

“Right... Here was me thinking that it was the God damn pigeons making all that mess on the stairs.” I took my horse’s reins in hand. “Right, now you can fuck off.”

As Merlin ran off searching for his whore, I suddenly realised his events didn’t quite tally with those of Guinevere... Shit, I wonder where’s all this leading too? Merlin must have sticky wand involved somehow.

That evening I found myself back in Cameltoe, where I found a worried Arthur pacing the dusty courtyard alone. “You have to get rid of Merlin... he’s a liability.”

“As if I haven’t got enough on my plate.”

“I mean it.”

“Merlin is like the furniture, he’s always been around. Plus, who can I replace him with? A good magician is hard to come by.”

“Gandalf is supposed to be available at the right price.”

“I had a word with Gandalf, but he wanted to bring a load of hobbits with him as part of the deal... I hate hobbits.”

“Tell me about it. Fuckers are always dancing on tables for no good reason. Their legs are unnecessarily hairy too.”

“Anyway, what’s your beef with Merlin?”

I had a list longer than a fat man’s shopping receipt. “Apart from being a sexpest and an alcoholic, he’s useless. Plus, I’m certain he has something to do with why Guin is... upset”

“How so?”

“I don’t know exactly, but I‘ll get to bottom of it.”

“Poor pun that, Lance.”

I hung my head. “Sorry.”

“Even if I was to sack him, where would he go? He’d still be around, causing a nuisance. At least I have use of his powers while he is part of my court.”

“Powers... when was the last time he did something of note? Go on, tell me.”

“Last week, he turned water into wine.”

That was Merlin’s way of getting around opening hours at the bar. “Surprise surprise. I mean, when was the last time he manipulated the weather to gain an advantage on the battlefield?”

“Been a while... but yesterday he cast a gust of wind to catch a glance up a young girl’s skirt.”

“Seriously, Arthur. When was the last time Merlin served the good people of Cameltoe?”

“Actually Lance, we’re calling the city Camelot from now on. Rebranding for the new century.”

“Camelot..?” I shook my head in disbelief. “It will never catch on.’’

“That’s what I thought.”

“Let’s get back to my point about Merlin. I can’t remember the last time he did anything other than fuck you around.” Leaning forward until our noses touched, I eyeballed Arthur. “Do the decent thing and put him out of his misery.”

“Lance, please, he’s my friend.”

“If you don’t, I will.”

I walked away from Arthur, hoping that I had set the ball rolling.