Anything Is Sexting If You're Horny Enough

"Aww, but Papa, why?!"

"Yeah, it looks so tasty!"

"Just one sip? It'll be a tiny one!"

"And then a really big one!"

Mika elbowed her twin as Miya gave the game away, but John showed no signs of giving in to their pleas anyway.

"You all just had lunch. Why are you begging for a drink? You don’t even know what this is," John chided.

"No, but it looks tasty," Magnus said, his eyes tracking the small glass tube in John's hand as he swirled it around.

"I bet it tastes like Orria's new fruits!" Moira said. Her tail flicked wildly, and her body was so tense that John worried she was about to try snatching it right out of his hand. Not wanting to risk further agitation, John decided to get rid of the temptation instead of hesitating any longer. With a quick flick, John downed the whole potion. The gesture was accompanied by the sound of a half-dozen kittens mewling in anger and disappointment, along with a small ding as a notification appeared.

BUFF ACTIVE:
Potion of Minor Strength (Crude)
+5 Strength
Duration: 1 hour

"Oh god, it tastes like spinach!" John made an exaggerated gagging sound, scrunching his whole face up. But the kittens didn’t seem to believe his overacting; they just stared at him with unamused, slightly annoyed faces.

“Yeah, right,” Midoriya said, pouting as he rested his face on the couch cushions.

“This is just like when you said cake tasted like cauliflower ‘cause it’s white, isn’t it?” Miriam said, giving John a look of utter betrayal.

“Or when you said that your candy bars were made outta beets?”

“Or how you told me that ice cream tasted like shoes?!”

The group turned away from John for a moment to stare at Miya, who met their gazes with an innocent deadpan.

“What? I got kinda hungry, and they smelled like Papa. Tasted like feet though.”

“Okay, okay, it tasted fine. A little bit bit more like the roots of a plant than the fruit, though,” John admitted, holding up his hands. “I promise if we have some left after we make everything we need, I’ll let you all try some of the tastiest potions, okay? But when it comes to things that might explode because Papa was an idiot, I get first taste.”

“But I wanna explode!” Magnus objected. He didn’t even bother meeting the gazes of his siblings; he was too busy punching the air and making exploding noises. John took advantage of the distraction this time, gently nudging the kittens closest to his knees away and giving himself enough room to stand up and wade through the furry teens toward the door. Deterred by the lack of a snack to plead for, most of them only followed a few steps before giving up and turning away to their next distraction.

“I hope Maera and Mithra are mature enough to be a bit more responsible if I give them these potions. They don’t taste great, but it would be a shame to spend all this time grinding out materials and then have those two drink theirs when they get peckish. Maybe I should give them some snacks too. Heh, snacks during a battle, of all things...”

“Father?”

Sophia’s voice snatched John’s ankle like a trap, keeping him with the handle to the front door just out of reach. John took a few steps back and turned his gaze into the dining room’s open door, where Sophia was staring at him with a plate still half-filled with food.

“You’re not going to start training again without us, are you? I can hurry, if you’re growing impatient,” Sophia insisted, already working to effortlessly tear the steak in front of her into smaller pieces with her claws.

“No, I’ll wait for everyone. I was actually going to head back to the Manor for a bit so I can send a few text messages.” John held up the empty glass vial and gave it a shake to emphasize the emptiness of the vessel. “Oh, by the way, I tested the potion and it did work correctly. It was labeled ‘Crude’ though, and it seems like it’s a bit weaker than I hoped too – I’m not sure if I need to work on my brewing skills or just get better equipment, but we’ll figure that out in time.”

“Did you acquire any alchemy-related skills?” Orria asked, casting her eyes to the side of her seat where her notebook was sheltered, away from any scampering kittens or wayward bits of food.

“Not yet. Not sure if I will or not, actually. If I do, it probably won’t be until we get to the potions that are more complex. I didn’t even use Craft for this one, I just mixed it by hand.”

“It’s possible that you won’t get any skills while you’re making potions that involve ingredients from the old world too. That Potion of Strength you said you were going to brew only used mundane ingredients and some mana infusions, yes?”

“Oh, yeah, actually.” John blinked for a moment, impressed at Orria’s recall – he’d honestly already forgotten exactly what he put into the potion, but a quick double-check of the recipe in his notes confirmed what she’d said. It was one of the few recipes he’d been able to copy verbatim from the Order’s texts; most of the others had had small changes or alterations when he checked in his Crafting menu, or straight-up alternate versions using items he could only get via his looting system, since they came from Barrier monsters.

“You use plenty of old-world materials when you’re using Craft and Build, so I doubt that’s the case, but it’s worth considering,” Orria said, giving a slight shrug. “Do let me know if you need any more plants grown, or if you get any new abilities!”

“I will,” John agreed, turning back to the door. “I should only be gone a few minutes. I’ll wait outside until everyone is finished eating. There’s no need to rush – I’ll spend the time until then doing some more potion brewing out where I can enjoy the sunlight.”

“And where I won’t get mobbed by little kittens who think that magical buffs are tasty treats,” John thought to himself as he left the others behind, heading out onto the front lawn and World Shifting away. Inside the darkness of the Brighton Manor’s tool shed once more, John pulled out his phone and began typing away, opening up Tricia’s conversation first.

“Hey, been wondering if you can use your link to send over phone signal and internet too. Currently sitting in the shack sending this text. Would be nice to be able to communicate normally without warping back here. Is that possible?”

John had no idea how busy everyone else was, so he didn’t bother waiting for a reply or a “Read” update before flicking over to open up Layla’s last message. He was rather surprised to find that she still hadn’t messaged him, considering how late he was on getting back to her. The encounter with Kim’s father Kwang had thrown him off so much he’d forgotten to text her on the way home like he had planned - and then the Vallya incident had happened, and… well, he just hoped she wasn’t too upset with him. But he certainly hadn’t expected to find his inbox empty. It was either a pleasant surprise or incredibly foreboding, and he was going to have to be the one to open Schrödinger’s box and find out which one.

“Maybe she’s been busy with other stuff! Or maybe she doesn’t think about me as much as it seems. Hopefully that means she’s been doing alright and keeping herself occupied.”

“I’m really, really sorry for not messaging sooner like I said I would, a lot has happened. I’m happy to tell you about it soon, in person. Been hyperfocusing on the war and learning a little bit of alchemy. Haven’t blown myself up yet, so that’s a plus. Wanna meet up for another date? I’m free four days from now, or I can mess with my schedule if you’re busy then. Had a great time last time, so if you have any idea on where to go, I’m completely on board. Just let me know what works for you.”

A few more taps sent the message and created a new group chat, one that he swiftly added Kim and Moira to. Given how well they’d been getting along in his absence, it didn’t seem like as painful of an idea as it might have a year ago.

“Three days from now, training? Can spend it back in Springfield with the three of us clearing more dungeons. Need to be ready for anything. Thinking about a weeklong marathon to round out the month, will need people to rotate in and out though. We can talk more then.”

The message hadn’t even been finished yet when John got a notification about a response. He typed out the last bits and sent it, only to find that Layla had already replied to him in the time it had taken him to message the others.

“I would love nothing more. I’m totally free for you at any time. I already know where I’d like to spend the night with you. Can you meet me at my apartment? I’ll have something arranged for us in the evening, but feel free to come in anytime. We’ll find something to do until then.”

“That was fast. Must have caught her with her phone out. Or she really will drop anything for me,” John murmured, staring at the message blankly.

“Old mundane John would’ve thought he was seeing things too, but is that… that text message definitely seems kind of horny. Shouldn’t she be mad at me for ghosting her?”

“Gotcha. I’m sure it will be a great time – I won’t pry on the details either. I’d like you to surprise me again. I’ll show up early and ready for anything. Should be a memorable night. Talk to you again soon, and see you too. This time it’s a promise.”

“Was that subtle or not? Does it even matter? She’s always so polite and proper in person, I’m probably just imagining things.” John glanced down at his phone, giving it a few seconds. Layla didn’t message back, probably assuming he’d already shifted back into his new world, but it didn’t take long for another notification to pop up anyway.

“I can establish a connection with a conversion between data and mana that should result in minimal latency and a fairly impressive rate of transfer. But are you certain this is something you’re okay with? The fact that I have drones communicating is already an avenue of risk, small as it is with Gorbachev encryption. I would not wish to place you at further risk as I have in the past.”

John frowned deeply at the acknowledgment of the past. His fingers moved like lightning on his phone as he typed back furiously, as if mashing the screen harder would somehow convey his sincerity through the writing.

“Absolutely sure. It’s my call, on my shoulders – as was everything else that happened, and everything that will in the future. Don’t forget that. Thanks again, Tricia. Very grateful to have you around. Working on a plan to have you by my side more.”

“Was that too far?” John asked, though his finger had already left the send button. “I guess I’ll find out when she messages back…”

John stared at the chat for a few more moments, waiting to see if there would be a quick response, and to give World Shift a few more seconds to finish its cooldown. But none came before the ability was recharged, and to be frank, John was starting to wonder if all the groundskeepers were staring at the shed that had mysteriously begun to mumble to itself.

“Yeah, I think I’ll just wait to find out when she hooks up the phone line,” John thought to himself, before vanishing across worlds again.

“Five days. Five days late. He’s dead. Someone got him. And I’m going to get them.”

Layla’s hands trembled as she resisted the urge to snatch her phone away from the side of the table and glance at it again, well aware that she had already checked to ensure the ringer was on at maximum volume a dozen times since she woke that morning, and likely would a dozen more by the end of it. The spoon in her hand clattered against the sides of the mug as she continued to over-stir the poor coffee, its purpose as a stimulant destined to go unfulfilled in favor of its new life as a decorative whirlpool.

“No, no, no. He’s been in Springfield. He was here just two days ago. Don’t message him, you’ll just seem ****. And if he died, I’d know. I would fucking know.”

She didn’t know how she would know, not exactly, but she was certain all the same. It had nothing to do with auras, or mana, or magic of any kind. It had to do with souls. Hers and John’s, intertwined in ways that Gaia herself couldn’t possibly explain, ways that would shake and rattle the very core of magical society just as soon as she could get her hands on him again and feel that sweet, magical aura. That aura that was so vivid in her mind she could have sworn she could feel it even then, feel a wave of it washing over her as if from nowhere, feel it crashing down on her like the tidal wave of wetness that was already beginning to-

You better be alone

And no I’m not-

Layla’s hands darted across the table in record time, propelled by a need so strong it was fortunate that her hands didn’t shatter the phone as she clenched down around the joy-bringing wonder and held it so close to her chest that she could’ve typed out an entire ballad of love with the beat of her heart as her eyes drank in the words she’d waited so long to see.

“He’s been through a lot? In five days? I knew he was in danger! I should run to him. I should find him and tie him up, keep him safe and locked away where this war will never find him. He’ll thank me later. Once he understands. Once I make him-”

Layla’s fingers managed to form the words of a coherent, less-frightening text message and send it before her pent-up stress could bring any of her fears to bear against John.

“It doesn’t matter now. He’s safe. He’s here. He’s back. And he still loves me.”

Perhaps he hadn’t said the words, but they didn’t need words – they had so much more than that. Layla rested the phone in her hand again, staring at it with her complete, rapt attention as she awaited the next response. Almost unaware of her other hand, which had elected of its own volition to find other buttons to make itself useful with.

“Ah, I’m so happy. He even promised this time – he’ll definitely be back in four days. Maybe even sooner. And as soon as he gets here, I’m going to take him right down to my favorite restaurant. No games to distract us this time. Just the two of us, talking and staring into each other’s eyes, sharing our food, our feelings, our souls. Feeling his aura wash over me the whole time, basking in it, letting it… mmm… fill up my very being… letting him soak into me, into my skin, into my soul, and-”

Layla cut herself off with a silent scream, her mouth hanging open and every muscle in her lower half locking up in unison. This time the phone in her hand cracked, even slight Abyssal enhancements not enough to protect the sensitive electronic from the erratic, uncontrolled spasms of Layla’s right hand as her left eagerly continued to stroke all the way through her quickest, if not the most satisfying, orgasm since the last time she’d seen John.

“F-fuck… guess I overdid it on that one…” Layla murmured, pulling her fingers away from the still-expanding cracks and the tiny shards of glass that had been fully crumbled near the edges. “That’s a phone you’ve cost me with your carelessness, John Newman. If you make a habit of this, who knows what else I might lose?”

Layla giggled, a maddeningly happy sound.