And then, it all came crashing down.

+120 exp

With the ent dead, John let out a shivering sigh. Looking around at the open space, the second near **** experience in a way too short timeframe started to hit him. All around the open space there were little bloody specks of Mariel; every piece he saw was a dagger stabbing at his heart. The scent of blood was heavy on the open space, his stomach turning as he realized that he had actively contributed to the bloody smell all around him. The lifeless corpse of the ninja still clearly visible nearby. Before John good and well knew it, he was on his knees, throwing up, expelling everything from his stomach. Tears starting to stream down his face as he did.

’Oh god. This, this isn’t normal. I killed people, I actually killed intelligent creatures! They had families. The lamia…. the weeb, and the tree. All of them were sapient, all of them were… People. And I just murdered them, in cold blood. I’m a monster.’

John crawled away from the spot he had just barfed onto, wiping his mouth before curling up into a fetal position, slowly rocking back and forth. Tears continued to streak down his face. ‘This world is crazy, I almost died, more times than I could count, and what did I do? I laughed it off, I’m a bloody sociopath! So what if they were on the opposing side, does that give me the right to kill them? To end their existence?’

Jack had meanwhile managed to claw his way through the rotting veins, making his way to his master, only to see him rocking back and forth with a glazed look in his eyes. The little leopard let out a soft mew, nudging him with his snout, getting no reaction whatsoever. Jack mewed louder, wringing himself in between his masters arms and softly licking his cheek, trying to wake him up.

John, however, didn’t notice his pet at all. A constant stream of images from the past week flashed in front of his eyes. Almost getting killed by the creatures he first encountered; Cynthia, smashed against the wall by the magnumpie; himself, paralyzed on the floor, only surviving because Ellen decided to spare him. He had been dancing on the edge of a blade every time he encountered something. And most of the times, he managed to get away because of either dumb luck or because of something out of his own control. He had almost lost his life far too many times. And once again, the question came to his mind. Why him?

’Why me? What is so special about me, that I get dragged into this world? Am I special? A chosen one? No… I’m a nerd, a guy that just happened to stumble upon this hell because a goddess got bored. Who thought it was a good idea to take a nerd and just throw him into a world of magic and ****!? Gaia? The supreme goddess? Does she even think about what this does to a person? To kill? To be hunted?!Is this even a blessing or is this a fucking curse!? I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask to be dropped into this shitshow. I… I wanna go home. Sleep, forget all of this happened.’ John softly sobbed to himself, feeling the smallest he ever did. His new life might be exciting when things went well, but when they went bad, they took quite the toll on his mental resilience.

A part of him desperately wanted to go back to his old life, to only having to worry about having Frank beat him up. No matter what happened, he only got some bruises from it, a broken bone max, even that orangutan knew not to go to far. But, another part of him also knew that there was no going back to that. He had seen too much; even if he were to go back to his old life, the memories would not go away, and his powers wouldn’t go away either. There would be new threats, he would get pulled into new barriers, and eventually, he would find one that killed him. His mind went further down the rabbit hole the more he thought about it. If **** was inevitable, then why struggle?

While John was having his existential crisis and Jack was busy trying to comfort him, a soft groan sounded out from the other side of the clearing. Battered and bruised, Ellen slowly stood up, using her glaive as a crutch as she took deep, labored breaths. She looked across the clearing, a downcast gaze as she could not find any trace of Mariel. The corpse of the ent lay nearby, as did her other companion. All of them dead, because of who? Her eyes zeroed in on John. Him. Because of him. She ruffled around inside one of her pockets, taking a red vial, and downed it in one gulp. Her fractured bones started to settle with a few soft pops, pain racing through her body. She couldn’t afford the high end potions, so she had to make do with these B grade ones, tasted like shit, and healed even worse.

With a few shaking steps, the mercenary made her way over to John, raising her glaive to finish the bastard that caused the **** of her companions, only to see him sobbing, huddled on the ground like a scared little chick. And then, just like that, she saw him for who he really was. A teenager, like herself, dropped into a world of pain and ****, **** to struggle for survival. Maybe it was because she felt pity for him, or maybe she was tired of the fighting too. But she lowered her weapon, instead poking him with the blunt end of her polearm.

“Cmon, hunterboy, stop crying,” she told him, whatever pity she felt for him not making itself known in her voice. “What's the matter? Miss your mommy? Need a nap? Or are you hungry?” she mocked him slightly, poking him with her foot as she got no response. “Listen boy, I can’t kill you if you are bawling like a baby, and I think… Fuck, I know something is not right with you. So how about you stop feeling sorry for yourself and speak up hm?”

John got shaken out of his contemplation when Ellen touched him, the mockery in her voice jolting him away from his gloomy thoughts. They were still there, but… They didn’t overpower him, at the moment. He looked up at her, teary eyed and a face red from crying, looking at her standing over him with her weapon. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for her to die, or your… your friend. It’s all so much, so senseless. I’m sorry.” he whispered, cuddling Jack as he stared up at her.

“Is that what this is about? Are you mad?” Ellen asked as she retrieved one of her cigarettes, lighting it with a flick of one of her rings. “Kid, this is the Abyss, it’s kill or be killed. How long have you been in this world that you don’t even know that much?”

“Five days,” John answered truthfully, seeing the embers glow in the night as she took a deep drag of her toxin stick. “I, I never wanted to, it’s all so much, so brutal,” John mumbled as he looked away, not understanding why exactly he was telling this to someone that had seconds ago told him she wanted to kill him, but then again, he was not thinking clearly at the moment. “At first it all seemed to be exciting, magic, cute animals, people that accept me. But, this, this ****, all around, killing, I never killed anything bigger than a fly before. There is so much ****, so much… Blood, gore. I don’t know how everyone else seems to cope with it.” John shook his head as the sight of Mariel exploding once again flashed in front of his eyes, an image that would no doubt haunt his memories for a long time to come.

“Listen here, hunter. We just do. The Abyss is not some fun little tea party where you can do magic tricks and just be merry. In the Abyss, you either get more powerful than the people that want to kill you or you die. There is no other way around it. The strong rule, and the weak perish; the law of the jungle is in full swing here. Mariel and whatshisname died because they were weak. You killed him because you were stronger, the tree drove Mariel to her **** because it was stronger. That is how it is. If you really can’t deal with it all, then I might as well kill you here and now. But, my god, to think that Mariel died to save such a big pussy. And then i’m not talking about that little rug in your arms.” Ellen’s eyes glowed amber as she spoke, staring down at John while smoking her cigarette, her glaive resting against her shoulder. “In the Abyss, you toughen up, or you are prey for the next big thing to come along.”

“But, how, how do you kill, how do you bear it? Why? How do you justify it to yourself that you killed someone?!” John cried at her; her words had shaken his mind, but that didn’t mean he liked the answers he was getting. The Abyss was a savage place, he knew that, but this ruthless?

“Because, hunter, we all have something we want to protect. If I don’t kill, then those that I love will have to fend for themselves. Everyone I kill, I kill so that they have a shot at life.” Ellen’s voice was heavy with emotion, a sad look in her eyes. “We all carry our burdens, but in a place where the strong rule, we must do so readily. If I don’t get the money to survive, my sister will be done for. Even someone like you must have people you want to protect. Last time you wouldn’t shut up about your precious furrball. If you don’t live to protect that worthless life of your own, then why not live for them, hm? Though I pity them for having such a crybaby as a master.” Ellen spat in front of him; a hissing sound came from the grass, decaying in a small puff of smoke.

John paled as the words struck his mind like a sledgehammer. In his mind, his new friends flashed by, his pets, Cynthia, Old Fred and Ilis, Miranda and Arnold. He liked these people, he wanted to help them, even if, at the moment, he was weak. But, to protect them, and to protect himself, he would need to get stronger. If people would come for him, would he be able to defeat them without killing them? Probably not. Did that mean he would kill indiscriminately? No. That wasn’t the answer either.
“I don’t enjoy killing, you know,” John mumbled, getting a mocking laugh out of the mercenary.

“Who does? It’s a necessary evil, you dumb cunt. I didn’t tell you to go on a slaughter, but if push comes to shove, do you think the enemy is going to pity you because you are weak? Because you won’t kill them? Fuck that. They will slaughter you and dance on your grave. To live in the Abyss is to have the resolution to kill or be killed at any time.

John wasn’t really sure that what Ellen just told him was exactly right or if it was how he wanted to be, but it did manage to put his mind at ease, at least a little. His tears stopped as he shook his head from left to right, wiping them away as he got up with a deep breath.