And between now and then, 'til I see you again, I'll be loving you. Love, Me

Dakota, I’m writing you this letter uncertain of whether or not you will actually read it. I hope you get the chance. I hope that Echo keeps her word and delivers it to you intact, without altering the contents whatsoever. I don’t know how long of a letter I’ll be permitted to write, so I’m going to make sure to say this much, at least.

I love you.

I know how that sounds. And I know that, with all the things you’ve done, to me and to people I care about, that you might find it hard to believe that I could say that sincerely. But you have to believe me when I tell you that those are my true feelings.

Dakota, for as long as I can remember, you were there. You were always right by my side. You were difficult to be friends with, but I didn’t care, because you always made it clear how much you cared about me. You were there for me when I didn’t have anyone else to play with, you were there for me when I was scared of going to school for the first time, and you were there for me when my mother died. My whole world had ended and I cried and cried and cried, and you just sat next to me and hugged me and told me that, no matter what, I had you, and that you were never going to leave me or let me be sad ever again.

And then you were gone.

Losing you was like losing my mother all over again. Someone I loved more than anyone else in the world was gone, just like that. Only this time, it was my fault. I wish that things had been different. I wish that I wasn’t the stupid kid that I was back then. I wish that I could have given you enough love and affection to fill that hole in your heart. Because the tragic thing is that I really did love you that much, Dakota. I just didn’t know how to show you. And you can say that it might not have mattered, that it wouldn’t have made a difference, that after everything that happened with your mother, the hole in your heart was so deep that no amount of love on my part could have made you secure enough not to run away that day. You can say that you were too damaged to ever properly accept that someone else could sincerely love you. Believe me- over the years, I went over those thoughts time and time again, in an effort to assuage my guilt, to try and convince myself that what happened that day wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t responsible. I wanted to believe that, I had to believe that, so I could keep going with my life instead of sinking into despair.

But honestly?

None of that even matters.

The fact is, whether what happened that day was my fault or not… it happened, and there’s nothing we can do to change it. We can blame ourselves for it and beat ourselves up for it until we’re bloody, but we’ll never be able to move forward with those chains dragging us down like that.

I don’t want to you be dragged down by those feelings, Dakota. It isn’t fair to you. Your feelings for me have twisted you and warped you, and even looking at you hurts because I know that you’re so much better than this broken part of yourself. I know you can be kind, but you choose to be cruel. I know that you can love, but you choose to hate. I know that you can cry… but you keep choosing to bottle it all up and reject it all, in order to keep from being hurt again.

But we’re human, Dakota. You and I aren’t host and master, we’re just humans. Humans make bad choices, humans hurt others, and humans hurt themselves. All these efforts on your part to force things to go the way you want them to, the way you think they NEED to go, that’s not going to make you happy, Dakota, and it’s not going to make me happy, either.

It’s just going to hurt both of us more.

If you were here in front of me, that’s what I’d tell you. I’d tell you that we need to put aside our pain and move forward, that we need to decide the kind of people we want to be. I’d tell you… a lot of things you don’t want to hear, if I’m being honest.

I’d tell you that you can change. Because you can.

But you don’t want to.

You don’t want to change, and I understand why. Because after all those years of clinging to me and trying to hold onto me, it’s safe for you. Being host and controlling everything? That’s safe for you, too. You’re comfortable. You’re in control. You know what the future holds. That’s why you keep moving the goalposts. That’s why you keep trying to assert your will over the situation. Because you can see that I’m changing right in front of you, and that terrifies you. Because if I can change, if I stop being the person I used to be, then who am I to you?

And who are you to me?

I don’t know the answer to that question, if I’m being perfectly honest.

When I look at you, I still see the person I love.

Because you’re still the same.

You can say that you’re unsalvageable, that you’re evil, you can throw all the people you’ve hurt and tormented around like they’re proof of your misdeeds, like they’re reasons you can’t ever be forgiven, and maybe you’re right.

But in your heart, you’re still that little girl who would change the rules of the game when she was losing, because she couldn’t accept that she couldn’t always be the winner.

Back then, I was happy to go along with you, because even though it wasn’t fair, you were happy, and that was good enough for me. I didn’t need to win if I could just see that smile of yours when YOU won, Dakota.

As someone who always loved you, that was enough.

But you and I… we’re both still changing.

Or at least, I’m trying to change.

But you’re still afraid, aren’t you? You’re afraid that if you change, that you won’t be the same person you used to be. And what happens after that, well… if I’m being honest, I don’t know.

I love you, Dakota, that hasn’t changed. I don’t know if it ever will. I hope it won’t. I hope that I can keep loving you. But…

What would be the point?

Right now, even as I’m writing this letter, I can close my eyes and go back to when we were kids. I can love you in my mind, as the girl you used to be. But if you’re not going to change from that time, then how is it any different? If you’re standing at my side, still stubbornly trying to force your own way, how is that different from the you I used to love when you were little?

…It isn’t, is it?

And that’s why you’re so afraid of changing.

You’d rather everyone you know hate you, as long as one of those people isn’t me. That’s your safety, isn’t it, Dakota? That’s why you won’t change. Because if you stay the same, then I won’t stop loving you. But if you change, maybe I will.

The irony is that it would be so easy to make you do what I want. All I’d have to do was tell you that there’s no way I would stop loving you even if you changed. Or tell you that I would love you even more if you changed this way, or changed that way.

But I can’t do that to you.

I can’t lie to you like that.

The truth is, change is change. It’s scary. I know that, because not so long ago, I was afraid of even leaving my house. I got dealt one bad hand in life after another. People I cared about would abandon me, or they would scorn me, or they would just disappear without explanation. I thought it was all my fault, and I felt… like I was worthless.

But I changed.

And the irony is that the person who got me started on changing myself is the same person you’re refusing to change for, Dakota.

You may have been the orchestrator of this season, setting everything into motion behind the scenes with the help of the producers, but it was Sylvia who spoke to me as a therapist. She was the one who helped rebuild my broken heart, even if it was for ulterior motives. And when the truth came out, it was Sylvia who helped me embrace the possibilities that this show presented. Don’t get me wrong- I still hate Harem Hotel and everything it’s done, and will do to innocent people, people I care about, and even more people who I don’t even know.

But… being here did change me. And I’d like to think it was for the better. I was too afraid to confront the possibility of finding happiness in something so reprehensible that I struggled and resisted, even when it was meaningless.

And a part of me…

I was afraid of that change.

Because it was different.

Because it was scary.

Because I could so easily imagine things going wrong again. And a part of me thought that as long as I didn’t do anything, as long as I just closed off my heart, then I wouldn’t have to take any risks. I wouldn’t have to get hurt again.

Because the fear of something going wrong was too scary. It was easier to hide in the comfort of the familiar, even if I was miserable, because it was a known quantity. Unlike the possibility for even greater pain in the unknown.

But I changed.

It took time. But you saw me push through it, remember? You saw me grow. You were right there the whole time, and you saw me step by step change and become a better person. I opened up my heart to others, and I was able to love again. I was able to find happiness.

What did you feel when you saw that, Dakota?

Were you happy?

Were you proud?

Were you sad?

…Were you scared?

You saw me changing right before your eyes. I became a different person than the kid who I used to be. But that didn’t keep you from loving me, did it? You didn’t suddenly stop loving me because I was no longer that kid, right?

So why are you so afraid that I’ll stop loving you if YOU change?

Like I said, I wish I could tell you that I won’t stop loving you if you change, but I can’t promise you something if I’m not certain of it.

What I can do is tell you that the happiest moment of my life was when I saw you alive again.

After so many years of pain and despair and loneliness, of trying and failing and thinking that my misery was what I deserved…

There you were.

You hadn’t changed. And in that moment, I was glad. I had my best friend back. The person who I loved more than anyone in the world had been returned to me.

But that only lasted so long.

We aren’t kids anymore, Dakota. We need to grow up.

I wanted to change, so I did.

You don’t want to change… so you won’t.

I wish I could make you understand. I wish I could make you see that you can have it all, that you can have happiness and love and friendship, because you deserve it. Even after everything that’s happened, you deserve it.

No one deserves to be unloved, Dakota. No one deserves to live the childhood you lived.

But you have to make a change. You can’t just wallow in the past and cling to your miserable life as an excuse to not change. It’s scary, I know, and I’m not going to say “It can’t get any worse than this” because it always can.

If you change, things could get worse.

But they could also get better.

For a long time, I was so afraid of them getting worse that I refused to do anything that would make my life better.

That was a mistake.

And the person who helped me realize that was a mistake is the same person who’s caused a change in you, Dakota, the same change that you’re stubbornly trying to resist even now.

Sylvia loves you. And you love her. I know you don’t want to accept it. But that girl is doing everything she can to stay strong even when you’re gone. And she’s amazing for it. I can’t believe how well she’s handling this- better than I am.

Let Sylvia love you. You deserve to be loved. And I know- you don’t think you do. And I understand why you feel that way.

I can’t tell you it’s okay. I can’t tell you that you’ll be forgiven for your actions or how you treated Sylvia, because that isn’t my place.

But you know the kind of girl she is. You know what she would say if you apologized. If you told her how you feel.

She loves you.

Isn’t that enough?

Can’t that be enough for you to change?

You promised me once that you wouldn’t love anyone other than me. That you would always love me the most, that you would never change your mind, do you remember that?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. How you felt when you said that.

Those words were for my sake… but I think they’ve turned into shackles around your heart, haven’t they? I never brought it up because I was afraid to, because if I said anything, well… that would be another change I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

But now I’ve lost my chance, because you’re gone again.

So if this letter really can reach you, I want you to read these words carefully.

It’s alright for you to stop loving me, Dakota.

You might not believe I would write something like that, but I believe it.

If your love for me is a burden to you, then throw it away. Don’t worry about hurting me or abandoning me. You don’t have to love me anymore, if loving me means you’re forcing yourself to suffer like this.

You should be able to love your daughter, Dakota. …And not just Sylvia, Lynette, too. I remember when you used to carry her everywhere. You loved her. Even back then. Even back then, you were capable of loving something other than me.

So if ending your love for me will free you and let you find the happiness you deserve, then do it. I don’t want to be the chain binding you to misery, Dakota. I want to see you smile again.

Right now, I don’t know how to reach you. All I know is that you’re out of my reach. But I don’t want that to be the case. I’m doing everything I can to see you again, because I need to see you again. I need to see you so I can tell you myself that it’s okay.

That your love is something I treasure… and that it’s fine for you to let it go.

As the person who loves you more than anyone else, there’s nothing I want more than for you to be happy. You have a whole new life, Dakota- you got something no one else in the world ever gets. A second life.

This isn’t how it should go. Pining after me and driving yourself into ruin, clinging to some fantasy that we can go back to the way things were… we can’t.

And deep down, I don’t think you want that.

I think you want to have it all. The selfish girl I used to know would want that. She’d want my love, she’d want her daughters, she’d want everything she could get her hands on, and she would never let it go once she had it.

That’s who you are. And I love that part of you as much as I’m frustrated by it.

Dakota, you are both the strongest and weakest person I’ve ever met, and that’s what makes you amazing. I know that you can find happiness, and I want that for you more than anything.

…That’s what I have to tell you as someone who loves you.

But… the truth is… I don’t want you to stop loving me. That’s the truth. It’s alright if you do… in fact, you should stop loving me, for your own sake.

And yet, I can’t bring myself to want that.

Isn’t that cruel of me? Even now, I still want to keep you all to myself.

Maybe I haven’t changed as much as I think.

Maybe this letter… it’s all just nonsense.

I honestly don’t know.

The only thing I know for sure, Dakota, is that I want to see you again. Even if it’s just one more time, I want to hug you and tell you that I love you. I want to forgive you for everything I can forgive you for… and tell you that you can find happiness.

Someday, we’re going to see each other again. And when that time comes, I hope that we can both have the strength to change. You don’t have to be the host, Dakota. You don’t have to be in control of everything.

You can just be yourself.

And I promise- no matter how much you change, I will keep trying to love you as best I can. Because no matter how much you change, you are still Dakota.

You can still be that little girl I loved without having to emulate her. Because she is a part of you, and you are a part of her.

I hope, someday, that you come to terms with that fact, and you accept that the person you are right now isn’t who you have to be. That she’s just one facet of you, your stubbornness and refusal to change your ways.

That person… she has the potential to be so much more than that.

I know it’s scary. And I know that, right now, in your current situation, it seems pointless.

But it isn’t.

You can be a better person, Dakota.

You can change.

And no matter what, you have the strength to be the person you want to be. You just have to accept it, and move past your fear.

As long as you keep staying strong, as long as you refuse to give in, then I know we’ll meet again.

I’m going to make sure of that, Dakota, because after all the happiness you gave me, I’m certain that I can’t be happy unless I know that you’re happy to.

So hold on and wait just a little longer. I’m going to get you out of there, and I promise that this time, I’m going to make sure you find happiness.

Love, Nick