An Idiot's Guide to the Female Body

Jake woke the next morning to find he was alone. Bash tended to come and go as he pleased without any kind of warning and for now he was nowhere to be seen. Jake wasn't sure where it was he went off to - some other world full of annoying imaginary beings perhaps or, more likely, one of the many communal girls showers in the building.

Bash not being present was something of a double edged sword. On the one hand Jake truly appreciated the break from his friends incessant juvenile banter and madcap antics but on the other he was acutely aware he wouldn't be able to pass himself off as a professor of female anatomy at Cambridge University for very long with out Bash's magical trickey.

While he waited for his partner in crime's return Jake picked up his phone from the dresser next to his bed and went straight to his camera reel. So last night hadn't been a dream. There Jenny Hodges was in all her naked glory.

Jake realised he probably needed to find a more secure folder for the shots he took yesterday of both Jess and Jennifer quite soon. But for now he was content to masturbate with one hand while scrolling back and forth between their pictures with the thumb of the other. One quick shower later and he was ready to start his day.

He walked out of his room and almost straight into Jenny. To Jake's relief she seemed happy to see him, which would be unlikely to have been the case if she'd had the slightest clue about his recent nocturnal activities. Of course he couldn't help but see her in a whole new light now. But he had to stop himself from acting weird around his colleague just because he'd been up close to her naked body and fondled one of her bare boobs at 3am that morning or masturbated over a secret candid photo he had of her less than twenty minutes ago.

"Good morning Professor Michaels!" she smiled amiably.

"Oh uh, good morning Jennifer"

"I trust you had a pleasant first night here?"

"Er, no!" he blurted out defensively "It wasn't that good at all. I just slept"

"Oh I see" Jenny chuckled "You tell it like it is, don't you? Well if you're feeling a little bored and isolatated living among your students you and I could always go for an evening drink sometime."

"Oh yeah, that sounds great!" Jake replied a little too enthusiastically to something that clearly wasn't being pitched to him as a date.

"Perfect, perhaps we can share a bottle of wine this evening then? I'd love to pick the brains of such an esteemed academic. But for now shall we walk to class together?"

"Er, which class?"

"Yours of course" Jennifer giggled a little "It's in extremely high demand. I can't say I've ever seen advertising for one of our seminars up around these halls before. I suppose that only goes to show what high esteem you're held in here"

She gestured for Jake to look behind him. Sure enough there was a poster advertising his class on 'Everything There is to Know About the Female Body' accompanied by his fake name, a bunch of completely made up titles and awards he had supposedly earned and an extremely unflattering picture of him wearing a traffic cone on his head after way too many beers on a night out around a decade ago when he had been a student himself. The whole thing may as well have had 'Bash' literally written all over it such was the certainty of its creator.

"That's a really fun photo. So self deprecating and a breath of fresh air from the usual stuffy intellectual in a grey suit headshots we're so used to. I must say I do enjoy your eccentric side, Professor Michaels."

Jake had never been completely sure what eccentric meant. It seemed like it was a word for when someone who was considered posh or academically accomplished did stupid shit, and that certainly fit the bill here. But at least Jenny liked the poster, awful as it was.

"Anyway, I'd better not hold you up, your audience will be waiting for you" Jenny prompted him.

"Oh, okay sure.." Jake answered, trying not to panic, as they walked towards the class he was about to be taking "How do you think I should approach this? I've never actually taught before."

"For someone with your level of expertise it should be a walk in the park. As you might expect the students here are extremely intellectually curious and you're sure to get a barrage of questions, but that's hardly going to phase someone as accomplished and knowledgeable as you. I don't want to be at all prescriptive about how you should proceed. It's your class, just do whatever you see fit."

As they opened the door to a room full of attractive young women with high IQs and expoectations Jake was really starting to fret inwardly about where the fuck Bash has got to. It would be so typical of him to bail on Jake at a moment like this. The last thing he wanted to do was humiliate himself in front of a room full of sexy boffins and the woman he was increasingly crushing on. But after Jenny gave Jake the kind of glowing introduction that was onl going to make his immediate fall from grace even more pronounced, the floor was his.

"Erm hello my name is J...I mean Professor Micheal Micheals and I'm here to talk to you about your bodies." he began before realising how that sounded "I mean not in a pervy way, I er.."

There was a noticeable murmuring in the class and Jenny was giving Jake a look that suggested she wasn't finding this eccentrically charming. It was like he was living in an anxiety nightmare. Until..

"Hey Professor Dorkus Malorkus!"

Jake couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. He wouldn't have thought it would be possible to be that happy to see anyone, let alone the worst person in the world.

"Admit it buddy, you missed me, right?"

Jake nodded slightly and cleared his throat as he let Bash talk.

"Since you haven't even really started yet and you already suck at this, allow me to mindzap everyone else in the room so they find everything you say intellectually invigorating no matter how clueless it actually is. And to be extra helpful, I've prepared a presentation for you."

The mindzap was going to be a necessary evil here but the presentation caused Jake a lot more concern. That sounded like the perfect mischief making device for Bash's particular brand of perverted prankery. But the opening slide was already loaded on the screen and looked quite respectable - it was a medical sketch of the female anatomy beneath the title of his class.

"Oh I see you came prepared Professor, I'm very impressed!" Jenny smiled approvingly.

"Right, yes" Jake nodded as he picked up the clicker from the nearby desk "So perhaps I should proceed with my presentation."

He hit the button, then nearly passed out at the sight that greeted him.

"My goodness, is that Jessica from reception?" Jennifer asked as she surveyed the giant nude image of the poor girl that Jake had taken the previous day and which was now plastered over most of the wall.

"Er, the thing is.." Jake stumbled over his words as he wondered how he had ever been dumb enough to put his faith in Bash's presentation.

"How thoughtful of her to assist you with your class, Professor. I must commend her for that next time I see her."

"Er, actually. Although she was very happy to pose for the photo as you can see" Jake pointed to Jess's smiling face as evidence of this "She actually requested that nobody ever mention this to her under any circumstances,"

"Understood" Jenny nodded "Perhaps you would like to talk us theough the photo a little."

"Right, okay..." what the fuck was Jake supposed to say here? Luckily it didn't matter "As you can see Jess has a young, fit and shapely body which is very alluring to the male gaze, In particular she has lovely big and firm tits -er, I mean breasts and her pu....her vagina has been freshly shaved to afford us a nice clear view of it. Which many men enjoy"

"Those are some truly fascinating insights Professor" Jennifer looked enthralled as she spoke "I can't wait to see the next slide!"

"And I can't wait to see her see the next slide!" Bash winked at his friend.

Jake's eyes widened in alarm as he realised who the next click would present the class with a giant naked photo of. To spare Jennifer's blushes and himself from a custodial sentence he was going to have to end the presentation there.

"Er, I think that's probably enough for my slide show"

"What? Already?" Jennifer looked highly disappointed, as did most of the students.

"Well, I think you can only learn so much from photos"

"That's a brilliant thought, Professor!" Jenny's face let up "Class, do we have a volunteer to assist Professor Micheals with his demonstration. It will involve fully indressing of course, but we're all friends here and the only male in the room is an esteemed academic who it should be a privilege to assist and who isn't going to be titilated by the view. Please raise your hands if you are willing."

Holy shit. About half the class had their hands up.

"Damn Jakey that really was a brilliant thought" Bash cackled with glee at the unexpected turn the class had just taken "Who are you gonna pick?"