Almost Caught

Moments later I have my hood up and my bag over my shoulder. Everything is pulled closely tight and I am swimming in the security of this baggy clothing as I shoulder past the figure in the doorway and rush back out into the hustle and bustle of the bus station.

Fuck that was close.

I can feel the burning blush of embarrassment in my cheeks as I realize just how close it was and just how stupid I am and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I went on that little exploration out there practically in the open, practically on display. The bathroom might have been empty when I'd walked in, but that didn't mean it would stay that way forever.

The sound of the door opening had given me about three seconds lead time to make a clear decision and I'd opted for a healthy dose of panic and quick thinking, remarkable considering while the former was my usual modus operandi the latter was not among my strengths. Realizing the predicament I was in and what it would look like to someone walking in I yanked my hands out from under my clothing and tugged my hood up to hide my features. I swung my bag over my shoulder and I made a beeline to get the fuck out of there.

Because the fact was that I was in the men's room and no matter how much that felt to me like it was a place that I belonged, I didn't exactly look the part right now. Getting caught in there would require answering questions and getting caught in there with my hand down my pants would require answering even more questions on top of the first ones and I didn't have the ability to answer any of them at all, right now. Not before I got some answers of my own.

My feet carry me almost automatically, dodging and weaving through the crowd until I push out through a set of double doors and out into the open air of the city. I hold there for a moment, stepping out of the way and looking out and down and up and all around as I take in this space and find, in some way, a little bit of comfort in it.

This is Phineas, a sleepy little North Eastern town notable only for the relatively prestigious college named after the town itself. It's a city where nearly everyone in it either works for the college or caters to it in some other less direct way. A city of old buildings and storied history which probably matters only if you call Phineas College your alma matter.

And it just so happens that I do. Or did. Or will.

While I can't say that everything that happened in my time living at Phineas was peachy keen and great, I can say that the city itself always held a certain kind of comfort for me. Every time I got off the bus and stepped out onto the streets I felt the weight of all those years of education and exploration. I felt the hope that one day I'd be able to add to it, would be able to do something that would make me known and with that fame bring some reflected glory to my school, to my city, to the first place in the world I let myself really start to believe that my dreams could be more than my fantasies. Even if it never did work out for me, a part of me still never lost that hope.

I know this town. I've memorized the streets and I've made memories in every last one. I know it like the back of my hand, can close my eyes and picture every last detail and more than that can picture every little change that happened over the span of time that I spent here.

And it's that last little detail which guides me as I turn and start to walk in the direction of my college, because as I pass the town I note all the little things which center it at a specific point in time.

The color of the paint on the old Gage home. The empty lot at the corner which will, by the time I'm done with my time here, have been built up and turned into a dozen different trendy shops and cafes which always seem to never survive. The empty plinth in the town gardens where the statue stands, taken down for maintenance and repairs only to be returned with great fanfare in the spring months at the end of my first year of college.

But at the end of my first year, the end of it. Which means that right now I am still at the beginning of my first year. Which means that I did go back in time.

The fact is that I might not be in my own body but I am back in my own time. I'm in my own life, my old life, and each step I take is one that I have taken before.

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