Addressing the Masturbation Epidemic

THOMAS: Welcome back to Current Events. Our next topic is of great concern to all of you. You've all seen the videos- women in public places desperately diddling themselves with no concern for who can see them. It doesn't seem to matter where, when, or who. It doesn't seem to matter what walks of life these women are from. Our panelists are going to discuss the causes and responses to this.

Our first panelist is Professor Ronald Farmer, a professor of feminology at Central University. Professor, what do you think are the causes of this epidemic?

FARMER: The modern woman is lucky enough to have all her needs addressed. We live in a society where no one goes hungry or homeless. She is not capable of high level intellectual discourse, and faces the reality that she will never be the best, or even very good, at anything compared to a male. Combining all of these facts, she seeks refuge in the simplest pleasures that never let her down.

THOMAS: How interesting. Our next panelist is Miss Alicia Williams, who believes she has found methods to address this problem. It's wonderful to see a woman succeed! Miss Williams, can you tell us about your discoveries?

WILLIAMS: With pleasure. I am the owner of a female training institute, where we prepare ladies for occupations that are in demand. Obviously, their employers don't wish for them to waste time on their fingers, so we've developed a psychological test that categorizes women into three categories. Their employers are made aware of their needs and instructed on how to manage them. Before we begin, it should be noted that these women have signed waivers to permit this treatment by our school and all future employers. Businesses are increasingly demanding these as a condition of employment.

[An image is projected depicting a woman in a school uniform. She is bent over with her skirt up and panties at her knees. A man is vigorously strapping her butt.]

First, there are women who are absolutely incapable of controlling themselves. For them, the urge can never be eliminated, only delayed for a short time. However, if they associate masturbation with something unpleasant, this delay can be increased. You can see here a staff member addressing one of our ladies who was caught avoiding her duties. We classify this as the punitive approach. With great vigilance and force, you can increase the period between episodes by up to two hours.

[An image is projected of another woman in the same uniform. She is lying on her back in a sterile white room. She is using a vibrator on herself.]

Next, some women can delay gratification for several hours if they know when they will have an opportunity. They can focus on their duties if they know there will be an opportunity to relieve themselves at the end of the day. By providing facilities they know they can schedule to relieve themselves we can maximize their productivity. We refer to this as a managerial approach.

[An image is projected depicting another woman in the same uniform. She is standing upright. A man is kneeling next to her. She has lifted her skirt and he has inserted his hand into her underwear. Her expression is blissful.]

Finally, a rewards approach. These women improve the quality of their work if they associate pleasure with a job well done.

FARMER: And if I may ask a personal question, Miss Williams, which of these approaches do you take yourself? After all, to be as successful as you have been you must have some way of handling yourself.

WILLIAMS gives him a polite smile.

WILLIAMS: As you so rightly said, the modern woman pleasures herself because she lacks purpose in her life and can not find it elsewhere. For myself I find my purpose in my business and training other young women. I do not suffer from this disease.

FARMER, incredulously: Are you saying you don't masturbate?

WILLIAMS: Correct, sir.

***

The interview was widely viewed. Businesses across the country recruited from Williams and installed her procedures. Other training institutes copied her.

We don't know who caused her downfall- a student upset by the punitive approach? A business rival? A man punishing her for her presumption? A few years later hidden camera footage from her office leaked. We don't know who installed the camera, but it showed several months worth of punishments. Invariably as soon as she was alone after each punishment Williams' hand descended to her crotch and worked with an unrivaled fury.

She rapidly lost her clients and money. A few months later the police arrived. Many customers had paid her based on the premise that she could control female libido, including her own. Her lies about this constituted fraud. She was sentenced to several years in prison. In a bit of grim humor, the prison warden was one of the many who followed her theories. He strongly believed that criminals were the ones who struggled to find a legitimate purpose in life, and only a punitive approach could be justified for them.