A not at all bi lesbian

Chapter 6

"Okay..." Ethan nods his head slowly and looks away intently as he processes Lisa's words. "Okay..." He looks exactly like Lisa imagines a man who has listened to a confused, scared, and lovestruck woman for an hour and a half. An hour and a half of nonstop talking and Lisa didn't even notice that it took her so long. Ethan noticed and his nervous laughter makes her stomach churn. "That... still doesn't answer my question." Another laugh and Lisa is too nervous to be sure, but prays that he is amused and not annoyed by her.

"Oh..." She frowns, then remembers. She should tell him why she loves him. "Please excuse me, Ethan. I can try... I can... I will..." But she can't. She can't tell him why, even though he deserves it so much. He is so patient with her, lets her speak and listens, and Lisa wants so much to show him that he deserves to have his questions answered. "I'm so sorry," is all she can say and looks at him apologetically. But he shakes his head and Lisa becomes afraid.

"It's okay," he takes the burden from her shoulders and makes her feel light again. "I certainly couldn't answer that either." Lost in thought, he sips his drink and says nothing for a few seconds while he avoids her gaze. It almost seems as if he wants to end the date and Lisa would like to crawl across the table, throw herself at his feet and beg him not to go. But Ethan stays seated. And then he nods and looks her in the eyes. Her heart skips a beat when she sees the determination in his gaze, so sublime and masculine. She quickly presses her legs together again so as not to start nervously rocking on the chair. "I would like to continue the date," he says.

"Really? Thank you!" Her eyes light up, then widen when she sees how surprised he is at her answer.

"For sure," he grins. "And I think you feel the same way."

"Yes! For sure Ethan! I want to..." Then she becomes quiet again when she feels his hands on hers. There is something about his touch that makes her feel calm and safe. She feels the warmth of his skin and somehow his touch is already so familiar and welcome to him, she can only sit quietly and watch him.

"Then let's go soon," he says and grins apologetically. "You didn't answer my question, but you raised a lot of others."

"Sorry," she mumbles and hangs her head.

"No worries. But I have to move for that, you understand? Get blood to my head. Oxygen and all that." Lisa nods eagerly.

"Can I come with you?" But before Ethan can say anything, she shakes her head. "Sorry. You definitely want me to come with you... right?" His giggle gives her butterflies in her stomach and he doesn't have to answer the question. Instead, he turns around, looks for the waiter and waves him over.

While Ethan turns his back to her, Lisa realizes what role she wants to play in his life. Of course, in the end he decides how she should be, but if he allows her to reveal her wishes, then she wants it to be exactly as it is now.

He takes such good care of me, she thinks in love and watches the movements of his arm as he signals to the waiter. I'm so nervous and he protects me so well. What would have happened if he wasn't so patient with me? What would I have done if he wasn't so understanding with me? So many questions, and they all come from me. He just wanted an answer and I couldn't give it to him! And he still wants to clear up the situation. Because he likes me too! Despite his mistrust and my clumsiness, he wants to get to know me better! And he addresses the questions I raised! I love him so much!

Lisa knows deep down that she is behaving like a teenager in love, not like a grown woman. But it is love that has taken hold of her, and Lisa can hardly expect herself to be able to handle it well. And she doesn't expect the same from Ethan, even though he is handling the difficult situation she has thrown them into so skillfully.

It would be so easy for him to call it off. I have to convince him and I have only caused more problems! And yet he gives me a chance and...

"Lisa?" She blinks and looks up at Ethan. With a gentle smile, he stands in front of the table, his jacket over his shoulder as he reaches out his hand to her. "Shall we?"

"Yes..." she whispers, still lost in thought. Then he pulls her up from her seat, with a firm grip but not too quickly. He is a help, not a **** of nature, even if Lisa feels that way in his presence. "Hey," he says, pulling her next to him. "No bad feelings, okay? We had a good time and nothing bad happened."

"Yes?" She just has to ask. "Even if I..."

"Yes," he interrupts her gently. Then he looks around for the waiter.

He's giving me the chance to be there for him too, Lisa realizes. I can prove to him that I don't have bad thoughts. That's what he wants from me! And he deserves it!

Finally, Ethan pulls Lisa to the cash register. The waiter looks at the two of them confused, but Ethan says they still have an appointment and need to leave quickly. The waiter just shrugs his shoulders and types the amount into the cash register. And Lisa sees a chance to prove herself to be a good woman.

"Let me do it," she suggests and looks in her handbag for her wallet.

"Are you crazy," Ethan laughs while the waiter waits patiently for who will pay him. That's why he comes to the table, but of course doesn't say what he's thinking.

"Then let's share it," suggests Lisa, looking into the female nuclear chaos of her handbag. "Please. It was such a nice date and I..." Then Ethan's hand rests on the opening of her bag.

"I'll pay," he says, sounding so patient. "You pay for the next date." He grins when he sees Lisa's wide eyes.

The next date... The next date... The next date...

Like a continuous loop, his words run through her head and affect the Asian woman, so that it is Ethan who looks at her in surprise as he puts his wallet back in his pocket with a face contorted in pain. While she was standing one step behind him like a shy child while paying, her eyes now burn with the fire of infinite devotion. Ethan and Lisa stare at each other and the young woman sees that he now feels exactly the same as she does. Of course it is she whose feelings are so infinitely big, but Ethan said it.

"You really know what to say to make a girl happy," she breathes, sounding as fascinated as she is relaxed.

A second date. He has accepted that this is really happening. A second date.

"I hope so too," laughs Ethan as a following guest pushes past the two of them with a grim look to the waiter. "I can't afford a second date and..." He falls silent and for a second his expression changes. "I'll get money again soon and then I can..." This time it is Lisa who interrupts him with her hand in his as she pulls him towards the exit, it is obvious that Ethan has made a big mistake.

"Thank you, Ethan," she says and turns to leave with him. "It means a lot to me that you like me so much that you pay for my meal," she says as his face turns red. But he looks at her and when they reach the door he takes two big steps and holds the door open for her again. Lisa smiles at him gratefully and waits outside until he is back at her side. She thanks him again and then they are standing outside on the street. "Ethan?" He looks at her, no longer so embarrassed. "I know that this situation is anything but normal. So can I ask you something?"

"Of course." He doesn't have to say anything else and Lisa feels safe and secure with him. She doesn't care how much money he has or what he dresses like. His smile is what she loves and she wants to stay with him forever, not because she can't help it or because she can't cope on her own, but because she chose it that way.

"I know I've thrown us into this... But can you please do it nicely for us?" The boy looks at the girl, then nods.

"I'll do my best." And that's all Lisa wants from her future husband.

A short time later, the two of them are walking through a nearby recreation area. But it could also be the moon, Lisa only has eyes for Ethan. After the episode with the money and her reaction to it, he really blossomed and has now devoted himself to the problems that stand between them and their relationship. And actually, these are just Lisa's problems. It is Lisa's wife that she has to separate from and doesn't know how. It is Lisa's feelings that seem so big and intimidating to her. It is Lisa's will to be with Ethan and spend her life with him. And it is Lisa's responsibility to get rid of all these things in order to be able to offer an honest, equal and functional relationship. Or any other form of relationship that Ethan could demand of her.

And yet it is he who walks along next to her with a strained expression, his eyes lowered, racking his brains while Lisa hangs by his side and she is the one who blushes when he asks her if she agrees with his thoughts. She understands that he wants to help her and is grateful for the guidance he offers.

"I accept your feelings," Ethan finally says as he takes her hand as if it is already normal for both of them. Lisa returns the gesture and presses herself against his body as she listens to his words. "I don't understand them, you have to accept that... but..." He sighs. "But I accept that the most incredible... lesbian... not bi... girl I've ever met has fallen in love with me. And I don't need an explanation for that." He clears his throat as Lisa wraps her arms around his and hangs on to him, her head on his shoulder. At first the two of them wiggle around, but then their steps match each other and for Lisa it's as if she is already part of his life.

"I know you will make it possible," she says lovingly. "You will find a way for me and I will be grateful for it."

"Lisa... no matter what I do, it will hurt you."

"I know," she says quietly. "But that's the way it is. And I trust you, promise. Not being here, with you, is the worst and I ask you to find a way so that I don't suffer so much." Finally, Ethan nods.

"I've already agreed to a second date." Lisa can't see his face, but she knows him well enough to know who he's grinning at. "What's a third date and... a life after that?"

Lisa could throw herself at him now, scream and cheer, but she prefers to snuggle up to his side in a gentle way. This is the most important moment in her life and she has managed to get Ethan to accept her. Peace and security are the least she can give him now that he's taking responsibility for her life.

"You deserve to be clean and official with me," she says in a calm voice. "I want to break up with Maddi... I don't just have to, I want to."

"We'll do it together," Ethan decides, and Lisa is so incredibly grateful that he takes the lead. After the money thing, it probably didn't have to seem that bad to him, but now it's the way Lisa wanted it.

"I'll do what you tell me, Ethan," she whispers, pressing herself closer to him.

"It's going to be unpleasant. It always will. But in the end, we'll make sure that none of you have to suffer too much."

"And neither will you," she says with hope in her voice, but he shakes his head.

"Like I said, I don't understand. But if it helps Maddi, then I'll tell her that I've brainwashed you." He has to grin. "I'll say I have some kind of sexual privilege to be with the prettiest lesbians there are. Then she'll hit me, and at least she'll feel better than before." And Lisa has to giggle wildly.

"Sorry," she snickers. "I shouldn't... But only I call her Maddi. Not even her friends call her that. It's our special sexy name."

"Oh, she's going to kill me," Ethan groans artificially. "Okay. Maddison."

"She goes to the gym regularly," giggles Lisa, who knows that she should be sad. And she is, deep down. The grief over the loss of her love Maddison is just as great as it would be under normal circumstances, life-changingly terrible. But Ethan surrounds this grief with a whole factory floor of warm blankets and his gentle voice and with him even the worst hell is bearable if only she has to be with him.

"Yup. She's going to kill me," Ethan states again. And then he laughs. And Lisa laughs when she realizes that they are just planning their life together. And maybe Ethan realizes it too because he just gets bolder and happier and suddenly the two find themselves in an embrace.

"I want to be with you Lisa," he says and presses her body to his and Lisa can't help but start crying. Everything is so terrible and at the same time so beautiful. Everything is so confusing and at the same time so clear.

"I love you Ethan," Lisa whispers. "You don't have to say it back but I love you and I'm so grateful that you accept me and show me how I can make you happy."

"And I'm grateful that you're willing to endure all of this. I know that must be incredibly difficult and I promise to be there for you the whole way." For a while the two of them just walk along the path, holding hands and understanding what's happening. Lisa will spend her life with the man she loves. Neither of them knows what that will look like yet. But they'll find out together and so Lisa is less afraid of the terrible pain that will come when she faces Maddison.

But Ethan too has his thoughts.

"And I want to have sex with you."

Blinking, Lisa looks at her (soon-to-be) boyfriend. He can't look her in the eye and acts as if he hadn't made the last statement. Lisa has to laugh and he looks at her worriedly.

"Of course we're going to have sex," she laughs and holds her stomach with the hand that isn't holding his. "Who do you think I am?" More laughter.

"A lesbian, Lisa," Ethan grunts, but has to smile in relief. "A not at all bi lesbian." Lisa stops and the fabric of her red summer dress caresses her legs as she turns to him.

"A lesbian who has found the one man she wants to have sex with again and again and again." She giggles again but Ethan looks at her seriously. Apparently that's an important thing for him, or even men in general, so Lisa treats sex with him like that. "Yes, I'm a lesbian and the thought of seeing a man naked... or his... No, that's disgusting... I don't like that. But you…” She gives him a gentle smile. Then she licks her lips. Not too pushy, but she also notices that it is suddenly completely natural to behave sexually in front of him. There is no fear or nervousness anymore.

I am going to have sex with this boy, she realizes. And I can hardly wait.

"You are something special, Ethan." She nods her head towards the nearest park bench, which is under a lamppost. "You can have me right here if you want," she says in a serious voice and with a gentle smile. "Bend me over this bench, pull up my dress and push my panties to the side and take me how you want." She almost expected him to look at her in shock, but there is no fear in his eyes. He examines her closely and takes in every word she says. "I belong to you and you alone, Ethan. Not Maddison or my family. I know I'm a difficult case, but I give my love and my body to you and you alone, Ethan. We can do it here, dirty and wild, or at home, at my place or at yours. I want you to be happy and you deserve it and... I still have a lot to learn. For real. I have never even touched a p-penis and I only know from school what happens during intercourse with a man. I know my body, but that of a man... What I mean by that is that you can have me now or when you think I'm ready." Then her hand strokes his shoulder, gently and not at all sexually, and he wraps his fingers around hers and holds her hand to him. "I know that you are someone who doesn't mean me any harm... But you should also know that after everything you do for me, the trust and the effort you make, you can decide. Naughty or nice or both, inexperienced or experienced, that's up to you. And I'll follow you."

"That sounds fantastic," Ethan says finally. And then he decides something. "Then now I know how I want to start my relationship with you."

"Relationship..." Lisa murmurs as he takes her hand and leads her to his old, rickety car.

"Are you here on foot?" he asks her and she can only nod. Then he nods towards the car. "I want you to spend the night with me," he says and Lisa knows that it's not really a test from him. It's not really a question either, because Lisa wants nothing more than to spend the night with him. "No matter what you say to Maddison now, you know it's going to be a lie?" Lisa nods and pulls out her cell phone. And she gets into his car while it rings.

"Hey babe... I'm staying at Jenny's tonight... Yes, exactly... We went too far..." During the conversation, Ethan puts his hand on her leg. Slowly he lets his fingers slide over her dress. It's not sexual, no matter what they've just talked about. He's there for her, supports her while she lies to her wife. "I'm sorry," she says to Maddison, but also to Ethan. Maddi waves it all off, as she often does. She is so confident and strong, much stronger than Lisa. And Ethan supports her in her weakness and gives her strength. "We'll see each other tomorrow after work. Bye." Then she hangs up. For a second she sits there, looking out of the window, Ethan's Hand on her body. "I didn't say I love her," Lisa whispers and a lonely tear runs down her cheek.

"Maddi knows that too... Maddison... shit, she's going to kill me." And Lisa has to giggle. Weakly, but still.

"Ethan?" He looks at her gently. "Can I ask you one thing?" He nods and Lisa takes a deep breath. "I can't guarantee that I'll be able to be the way you deserve. I don't know if the sex with me will be good. I don't know if I'll be able to behave in a way that makes you proud of me. I just want to ask you... Please... If you don't like me... Then tell me what I have to do, okay?" Ethan swallows and his eyes study Lisa intensely while she sits uncertainly in the passenger seat and doesn't really know what to say. "I just cheated on my wife and... and I want it. It... I don't like it but... Please Ethan... I want a future with you. Please tell me what I have to do to..."

"Come on," he smiles at her. "I'll drive you home and then I'll show you what you can do for me."

And Lisa is grateful for a boyfriend who knows that she is sometimes weak and helpless. She is grateful that he takes care of her and tells her when she needs to do something differently.

Then she buckles up and says nothing the whole drive while Ethan steers the car through the night to a place where she will have sex with him for the first time.

Her whole head is confused and aimless and she just hopes that Ethan likes her so much that she has convinced him so much of herself and her body that he will like her.