A Princess’s Peril, by google2020

“Greaaat another google. I feel like one of these pretentious fuckers that watches and reviews paintings. Hm, yes quite this is a google, and here we have a dickgirl-guy. How quaint. Over yonder is a engin.”

“A curator?”

“No, a pretentious fucker.”

“This time we are reading A Princess’s Peril, by google2020. It is about a princess, who is in peril.»

“Bleeeeeeeeeh.”

“Gina?”

“I can’t even properly convey how little I care, Marcie.”

“Well in that case, no reason to waste any more time, let’s start reading.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

A tale of tragedy and Big Bootie Bitches

“This is blatant false advertising.”

“I don’t think Mel’s butt ever gets mentioned or any other body part. But we may be getting ahead of ourselves.”

“The fuck is even going on here? This is a princess who gets captured by an evil empire, who is also a business? She is held in a factory for...something by some flame fucker. First chapter and I’m already fucking lost.”

“The premise in this isn’t awful. It is actually somewhat intriguing and I can appreciate how the story drops us right in the action without wasting time on exposition.”

“Well, I don’t...actually screw it. I do. Because fuck infodumps.”

“The problem is...this is google we are talking about. So I fear this is less a deliberate choice for a cold open and more her inability at proper world building.”

He pushed his fire straight into her eye as her screams were muffled and silenced by her muffler gag…

“Woah, that’s fucked up!”

“We are halfway trough the first chapter and Mel already got an eye taken out by the big bad. At least I assume so based on this description.”

“There, now you shall wear that hideous scar till the day you die, and by the way you’re going, it shouldn’t be much longer… now…. get out, I’ve got an important business contract to follow through with!” He said throwing Mel out of his office..

“I just want to say how much I fucking hate google’s villains. They are always this “Hoho I’m evil, I do evil things!” blend of blah.”

“I know this is almost nitpicking given the multitude of other issues, but google does have a villain problem. Now, there is nothing wrong with an evil villain per se, but google never gives them enough gravitas that they actually come off as a threat.”

“There also always male. But then again, I’m not sure if I want google to write a female villain.”

Mel sighed, her left eye scared by Kain’s fire, she was left chained and beaten down brutally as…

“Here, as an example, is how Mel handles getting her eye burned off. What could have been an extremely horrifying scene, portraying just how monstrous Kain Redips is gets dismissed almost instantly.”

“Kain Redlips is a fucking stupid name.”

“Redips.”

“Yeah, whatever. Like every fucking time, google lets readers decide what should happen next. Marcie’s old pal regin shows up again as main commentator.”

“That individual is not my pal.”

“Man, he’s really into google, huh? I wonder if he reads this. If so feel free to submit another story. I like to see Marcie faint again.”

“Gina...”

“Hehehe. So. A lot of random bullshit happens and Mel manages to escape. Then the story stops because Regin probably lost interest. Good for him.”

“This was only chapter 8 though, Gina. So we have to go back.”

“Fuck!”

“Well, I mean the chapters are pretty short. Even for google’s standards. Example:”

Mel managed to make it the emergency exit and smell the smoky air, she looked to see a giant hole to the mines where some soldiers were standing watch…

She knew she’d have to sneak past them and make it past the ash covered grounds that stretched past the factory grounds..

Some of the Guards began to notice Mel walking over further past the factory as she saw…

1.) A cliffside she began to climb down..

2.) A WaterFall she gets pushed down into..

3.) Some more ash covered remains of a forest…

“We can’t even use this shit to pad the review.”

“Exactly.”

“Ugh, Fine so we take the other stupid path.”

“In this path the princess is **** to work in the mines. Which seems a bit of a poor choice for what is supposed to be a high ranking hostage.”

“Especially since she finds a rare stone that gives her super powers.”

“And this time we get a whole bunch of options as to what these powers actually are.”

“Yeah, but they are all extremely lame, so I picked necromancy. That at least sounds funny.”

“Meanwhile the big bad is informed that Mel got super powers, but he isn’t very concerned.”

“Don’t worry too much about it sir, if it helps we’ll have her put in higher restraints to protect our slaves!!”

“I appreciate the thought General, but we’ll keep that open for discussion, I have a much better idea, those power of hers won’t react well when used by an amateur like her!!”

“Why not just kill her? I mean she is still in captivity. It’s not that they give a shit about the princess.”

“A good question, that will forever remain unanswered. Just as why these guys are shouting at each other with double exclamation marks.”

“I think google just puts them in as decoration.”

“In the meantime, Mel is **** to process meat. And with meat I mean dead slaves.”

“So...these guys are also cannibals?”

“I think so? It is pretty horrific, but in typical google fashion it gets more or less glossed over. Mel collects a bunch of bones and summons a demon.”

“Of course she does.”

“This demon is called Amon and he helps Mel to break out of her cell. They head towards the big bad.”

“This guys security sucks ass. This is why you always kill your enemies. Stupid fuck.”

“Mel…., mind telling who you’re new friend is?” He asked smug tone..

“I AM YOUR DESTRUCTION!!!” Said Amon letting Mel get of his back as he flew towards Redips..

“Alright. I have to admit Amon is kinda funny. You can write a pretty decent story with an over the top edgelord demon and his inept handler that has to reign him in. Just take a look at Inu Yasha or Hellsing.”

“I won’t. But this is played straight anyways. We are supposed to take this cringy fuck serious.”

“Amon and the big bad engage in battle. And it does not look good for Amon.”

“Yeah, this is the part where I zone out. Following a google story is hard enough when there isn’t a battle ongoing.”

“Arghh….. ahhh…… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

“This is google not understanding the medium she’s is working with. In a show it makes sense to have a character scream to convey the emotion. On paper however it just comes across as silly.”

“Haaa. So! Mel raised the **** or something? Anyways, Edgelord demon possesses Edgelord evil guy and fucks off to the demon realm while Mel takes over the evil empire. The End!”

“Well, it could have been the end but google seemingly wants to continue and has written one more chapter where we follow Amon, before regin lost interest in commenting again.”

“For fucks sake, Regin! Right before a sex scene as well. Yes, there is not a single fucking sex scene in the chapters we have read. Again!”

“And with that we are done with another google. Well, Gina? Your opinion?”

"Submit to masochist mode already so we can make dickgirl-guy and engin suffer trough these, you fucking pc!"

"I was talking about the story."

“Ugh. I guess there is stuff happening, at least? And it’s not all just random nonsense.”

“Is that really our benchmark?”

“Yes.”

“Oh well, I suppose the writing is...slightly better? It is hard to tell but the amount of typos was finally reduced to an almost acceptable level.”

“Google has truly come a long way. Or maybe your tolerance has just increased.”

“That, Gina, is a most frightening thought.”