A New Challenger Approaches!

[Warning: Gore]

“What’s happening?” Moira burst from the tent with shield and hammer in hand, but still in her pajamas and barefoot. Her stance and focused expression were that of a warrior, but her attire was that of a girl at a slumber party. John would have loved to snap a photo to tease her with later, but now was not the time.

“Uh, he’s happening,” John said, pointing towards the strange, mostly nude man. He was currently dousing his waffles in a deluge of syrup. “I tried talking to him and he just screamed at me. I don’t think he’s got all his marbles.”

“Keep your distance,” Moira said, stepping up besides John, still on guard. “That’s not a normal human. No one should be down here, let alone without protection. In fact, it is most likely not human at all.”

“I can find that out for us,” John said. he pulled his knives out of his inventory, just in case, and used Observe.

-
Florida Man
[World’s Worst Superhero]
Level 27 Floridian Berserker
A gestalt identity of every bizarre incident perpetrated by citizens of the Florida region of the United States, each labeled solely as “Florida Man.” Due to the nature of the reporting, countless readers willfully chose to believe each crime was performed by a single, truly insane individual going by said moniker. So born in the hearts and minds of many, so born in the Abyss.
Unpredictable at best, it is humanity’s strangest and most heinous desires given flesh.
-

“What the flying fuck?” John’s jaw dropped.

“What is it?” Moira asked. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s fucking Florida Man,” he said, completely aghast. At the mention of his name, the man himself stopped pouring syrup and perked up.

“Who is Florida Man?” Moira asked, lowering her guard to look at John. Her eyes showed a measure of concern for his mental health.

“You know, the meme,” he said.

“The what?” she asked in reply. John clenched his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Oh good Christ, I’m going to have to explain this to you,” he said through gritted teeth. “Okay, short version: there are a lot of news stories that come out of Florida about people doing crazy shit. For anonymity, they all just call whoever it was ‘Florida Man.’ Someone on the internet noticed that reading a bunch of those headlines at once makes it seem like there’s this one dude called Florida Man going on a rampage, doing shit like tickling sleeping people’s feet or masturbating with a pickle in public.”

“How obscene!” Moira’s face contorted with disgust.

“Yes, I know, it’s dreadful, but that’s not the point,” John said flatly. “Oh look, see? There he goes.”

John pointed. Florida Man had apparently taken their conversation as a cue to slather syrup all over his hand, reach into his underwear, and start jacking off with what John had to admit was a frankly impressive level of intensity.

“Lady’s grace!” Moira gasped and recoiled in apparent horror. The color drained from the rest of her face to dye her cheeks a vibrant red. John, on the other hand, was unfazed.

“Back on topic,” he continued despite Moira’s shock, “my point is that there is no real Florida Man, he’s just a joke on the internet. Either my Observe is bugging out or I’ve gone insane.”

“You’re not insane,” Moira said, quiet as if in a library. Her eyes were locked on Florida Man in a way much like one might be unable to look away from a train wreck. “Tell me, are Florida Man jokes popular?”

“Yeah,” John said. “People make comics and stuff about him, and there’s a subreddit. Oh, that’s a place online where people go to talk about stuff,” he added for the sake of his luddite companion. “Why?”

“How long have people been doing this?” she asked instead of answering, still staring.

“I dunno. A couple of years?” John said. “What are you getting at?”

“In a way, this makes sense,” she replied, finally tearing her gaze away. Still, she kept a wary eye in her offender’s direction. “You haven’t finished your reading on this Abyss, have you?”

“No.” John resisted feeling sheepish by reminding himself of the situation at hand. “Does it have a section on jokes coming to life?”

“Not exactly,” Moira said. “The Abyss and our world are linked in many ways, physically and metaphysically. There’s a reason why so many myths and fairy tales resemble realities in the Abyss; the two worlds influence each other. Concepts in our world, with enough presence in the collective subconscious, have been known to manifest in the Abyss in different ways. Likewise, realities in the Abyss are theorized to leak into the minds of people in our world. It’s infrequent and subtle enough that it can be difficult to determine from which world something or someone originated, but has been observed in retrospect.”

“Well, that’s a hell of a lore dump,” John quipped. “So are you saying that I can wander around the Abyss and bump into Rapunzel or something?”

“Possibly, yes,” Moira nodded. “Or a similar situation, at least. For instance, I could introduce you to Little Red Riding Hood if I were so inclined, but you might be surprised to learn that she’s a Lycan herself.”

“You’ve actually met Little Red Riding Hood?” It was John’s turn to be dumbfounded.

“Her closest analogue, to be more accurate," Moira said. "We’ve spoken on occasion. The Perraults and the Brightons are on… diplomatic terms. To their credit, the family makes exceptional apple pies, as you might expect. They’re served very hot if you ask me, but delicious when cooled.”

“The Abyss gets weirder every day, I swear.” John sighed. Florida Man froze on the spot, eyes locked directly on Moira.

“You’ll get used to it.” Moira offered a gentle chuckle. “As for now, what do we do about this so-called Florida Man?”

“Stay the hell away from him,” John answered. “I have a few ideas of what he might do if we get close, and I don’t want to experience any of them.” He turned to face the man and saw that he had stood up since they had stopped focusing on him. Hand still in his briefs, Florida Man began to approach with an unsteady gait. “Oh no.”

“Why is he coming closer?” Moira raised her shield and stepped back a few paces. John could swear he saw hints of actual fear in her eyes as she looked to him for guidance.

“I don’t know,” John said, also stepping back. He looked at Moira and shrugged. “Maybe we pissed him off?”

By the time John had turned back to confront the living meme, he found himself face to face with a small alligator, maybe three feet in length, flying directly at him. It was as bewildered as he was, as far as he could tell.

-11hp

John spat out curses and the gator hissed. It was apparently not in on the plan to use it as projectile weaponry. The damage came primarily from the claws of the gator scrabbling for purchase upon collision rather than any biting. A dull but loud thud signalled that a second gator had impacted Moira’s shield, and just as he shoved off his own, he saw Florida Man holding a third like a javelin, primed to throw. This time he pulled his syrup covered hand free to tickle its chin, prompting the gator to open its mouth before hurling it at John. It wasn’t hard to avoid now that he knew it was coming, landing harmlessly several feet behind.

“Newman! Explain!” a flabbergasted Moira shouted, gesturing to the three creatures now shuffling away into the darkness.

“How the hell should I know?” he shot back. He didn’t look in her direction, lest Florida Man surprise him again. Florida Man did not need to catch John unaware to surprise him, however. With shrill, ululating hooting, Florida Man dove into cartwheel after cartwheel, closing in on John with unnatural speed. Moira charged to intercept, bashing the suddenly gymnastic man away with her shield. Florida Man was **** to change course, but somehow managed to maintain his momentum in order to wheel around for a second pass.

“You’re the one with all the internet knowledge,” she grumbled to him. “Who else should I ask?”

“I hate to break it to you, Moira, but there is no explaining anything Florida Man does.” John grit his teeth as their still hollering assailant rolled towards them again, faster this time. “Brace for impact.”

Moira nodded and steeled her stance, but Florida Man had a sudden change of tactic and sprung into the air higher than any athlete could dream of. His grin faltered, and for a moment he looked sick as he soared overhead. Florida Man’s cheeks bulged before his mouth opened to spew an ungodly amount of insects upon the pair, as if the other end of his throat was connected to a fire hydrant filled entirely with bugs. They weren’t just insects, they were cockroaches, and they rained down on the pair in a painless but revolting storm of spindly legs and buzzing wings. John barely managed to suppress vomiting himself as he ran forward, limbs flailing in an attempt to dislodge as many roaches as he could as quickly as possible. Moira, meanwhile, shrieked in horror and sheltered her head. For a moment John believed her frozen in terror, covered head to toe in crawling insects, but that theory was disproved in an instant. There was a flash of golden light, followed by a low THOOM as a spherical burst of magical energy erupted from Moira, freeing her of every last roach within a few feet. Most were disintegrated, but several were flung outward in all directions, including onto John.

“God damnit,”John groaned as he swiped them off. “Wait, where did he go?”

John swung his head to and fro as the dust settled around Moira to try and find Florida Man. He couldn’t see much in the poorly-lit, cavernous expanse. The forest of stalagmites he and Moira had been traveling through was sparse, but they were large enough that he could be hiding behind any one of them. John took his cue to hide himself behind the nearest pillar, away from where he’d last seen the infamous Floridian. Given a moment’s respite, he noticed one last roach skittering up his left shoulder and flicked it off. Strangely, he heard a liquid plunk immediately after. Even more strangely, he caught a whiff of a robust, tart aroma that reminded him of spaghetti dinner. Cringing, John turned his head to the left and found himself face to face with Florida Man, barely two feet away. John could swear he wasn’t there a moment before, but there he was, crouching and holding a large pot of bubbling red sauce, roiling with heat as if still on a burner. He was wearing a positively manic expression on his face that only grew wider as their eyes met. Shouting incoherently, Florida Man flung the contents of his pot directly at John’s face. Raising his arms did nothing to protect John as a wave of steaming redness crashed over him.

-29hp
You have been afflicted with Burn

Agony screamed from every inch of exposed skin on John’s body. Intense, throbbing agony, bright and red as the sauce that caused it. John’s scream garbled as a glop fell in his mouth and seared his tongue. On pure instinct, he fell backwards and began frantically wiping sauce from his face with his bare hands, despite how much he’d rather chop them clean off in order to avoid the unending signals of pain they kept sending his brain. Somewhere overhead, he was vaguely aware of shouting and a loud cracking sound.

-3hp

Making matters worse was that the sauce was thick and viscous, keeping the heat on by sticking to his skin, but still liquid enough to drip through gaps in his armor to find fresh, unburnt skin to ruin. John was able to clear his face after several agonizingly long seconds and opened his eyes to catch sight of Moira aggressively pursuing Florida Man. He could tell she was giving it her all, or at least much more than she gave Erica during their sparring match. Her expression was one of grim determination, eyes dead set on her opponent. Said opponent had returned to cackling and violently masturbating while fleeing from Moira at top speed. He was nimbly dodging every swing of her hammer with the flexibility of an expert contortionist, hooting and hollering with each miss. Most swings met only air, but the ground reverberated with the **** of each downward blow that struck the ground.

-3hp

Now in a slightly less unbearable world of hurt, John had the clarity of mind to take Moira’s magic towel out of his inventory to wipe the rest of the pasta sauce off. The pain remained, but at least it wasn’t getting worse and dripping to further places he couldn’t reach. Moira and Florida Man continued their dance in the near distance, but John wasn’t sure how he could contribute to the fight. Moving his fingers at all shot fire through each one, and he could see blisters beginning to form. Just about anything he did was preceded by a moment’s hesitation as he had to override his body’s instinct to minimize the pain. That wouldn’t do, not in a fight.

-3hp

The answer hit him when he returned the towel to his inventory: the Potion of Rejuvenation Liam had made! The gamer part of him recoiled at the thought of wasting a mana recovery item when he was full on mana, but he wanted so desperately for every action he took to stop feeling like he was swimming through hot coals that he uncorked the bottle and chugged. He couldn’t taste it at first, due to the burned tongue, but as a soothing coolness washed away the burns as if they were merely stains on his skin, the flavor came through. The description was right, the potion tasted exactly like a generic purple drink. It wasn’t quite grape, but it wasn’t anything else either. It was just purple.

+25hp
-3hp

Aaaaand I’m still burned. Yay.

Despite the status effect, John’s world was no longer a raging inferno of pain. Some burns remained, but they were superficial compared to what they used to be. John flexed his freshly healed fingers, re-equipped his knives, and stood up to rejoin the fight.

“I can’t land a solid blow on him!” Moira shouted. Her voice came through breath heavy with both labor and frustration.

“I can see that!” John shouted back. He continued to watch their game of cat and mouse. The two of them were moving at speeds he couldn’t hope to match, and Florida Man was still dodging and furiously jacking it at the same time. He had discarded or lost his underwear at some point in time. “Try to get him to jump! I have an idea!”

-3hp

John sprinted to get as close to the pair as he could while Moira continued to harass their opponent with what would be lethal blows of her mighty hammer. As with most things Moira, she swung her hammer with inhuman speed and dexterity. He’d seen what that hammer could do, but she recovered from wide, powerful attacks almost effortlessly, even transitioning into a backswing with barely any time to reset her momentum. Fast as she was, however, Florida Man was faster. He continued to elude her, often by just a hair’s breadth. With his giddy expression and wild hooting, it seemed like he was having fun.

Moira had switched her strategy and began to aim low, going for the legs and using rising strikes to try and goad Florida Man into jumping. The moment came soon enough, Florida Man launched himself several meters into the air in order to avoid a particularly powerful low sweep. John pursued. His Boots of Bounding enabled him to leap at roughly the same speed and height as Florida Man, closing the distance in a blur until they were face to face once again. John noticed his opponent’s cheeks begin to bulge, but struck first.

“Dodge this, shitlord.”

20 damage, slashing
-3hp

Black Claw sliced a clean, deep gash across Florida Man’s stomach and he howled in both rage and pain. John landed neatly on his feet, while Florida Man collapsed into a doubled over heap on contact. Moira wasted no time, and rushed in for an opportunistic underhanded strike that sent Florida Man careening off into the distance. The strike was powerful enough that John could hear the crunching of bone beneath the resounding boom of Moira’s hammer. Both she and John stopped to catch their breath and each other’s gaze.

“It’s not over, is it?” Moira asked, not letting down her guard in the slightest.

“No, it isn’t.” John shook his head, then peered into the impenetrable blackness beyond. There hadn’t been an experience notification; Florida Man was still out there, somewhere.

-3hp
You are no longer Burned

Silence, silence and nothingness. Enough time passed that John was beginning to grow paranoid, looking in all directions for the return of the dreaded manifestation of Florida’s worst. It was on his second revolution that John spotted it, a tiny speck of orange. Moira followed John’s eyes to focus on it as well, bracing herself. The dot of orange grew, slowly at first, then flickering into a candle flame. Then the screaming began, strangely warbling but continuous. Louder and louder, larger and larger, he approached.

Cartwheeling fast enough that John couldn’t tell which end was which, Florida Man arrived wreathed in flame and madness. He crashed into Moira’s shield with enough **** that she skidded backwards several feet. Bouncing off, Florida Man collided with a stone pillar feet first, only to ricochet towards John. Wide-eyed and stupefied, John had no reaction as the crazed assailant righted himself midair, raised his arms like wings above his head, and kicked him square in the chin.

-17hp
You have been afflicted with Burn

“Oh, come on!” John shouted, nursing his bruised and burned jaw. Moira arrived next to him as Florida Man landed on one leg a few feet back, arms still raised.

“Are you alright?” she asked, sparing a moment to look John’s way.

“I’m fine,” John said. He spat off to the side more for show than anything else. It just seemed like the thing to do. “I really want to be done with this asshole though.”

“You and me both, Newman.” Moira nodded and returned both eyes to their target. Florida Man was standing in a wide stance, chest heaving, eyes darting back and forth, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was on fire. John noticed that he wasn’t bleeding much from the large gash in his stomach, but he saw what he could only assume were his intestines beginning to slip out of place.

Gross

-3hp

“Okay, I think maybe if we-” John was cut off by a shriek from Florida Man. Thrusting his pelvis, the deranged individual grabbed his dick and pumped it lightning fast, bringing himself to orgasm in record time. Flaming cum spewed at Moira, who let out a panicked yelp and ducked behind her shield, cowering as if he had just shot **** itself at her. John thought to close in and take advantage of the distraction, but he could not get there before Florida Man reached inside his stomach for a fistful of his own entrails to throw at the Gamer. Confronted by flaming intestines, John dove out of the way. He hit the ground hard, but thankfully free of anyone else’s internal organs.

-3hp

From his tilted vantage point, John witnessed Florida Man squat, reach back, and clench his jaw. Out from his (graciously out of view) asshole dropped a capped syringe, which Florida Man caught, uncapped, and immediately jammed into his thigh. With his face peeled back into a rictus grin, he stared John in the eyes and depressed the plunger. Florida Man’s pupils shrank to pinpoints as bulging veins popped out all over his body, including his now ragingly hard erection. In a flash, he was charging towards Moira on all fours, trailing bowels behind him and cackling all the while.

Still shaken from the earlier attack, Moira didn’t see the man coming. In a blur, Florida Man snaked himself around her and latched on like some sort of gremlin, screaming laughter and digging into her skin with his wretched nails. Moira screamed at a shockingly high pitch and whirled around to try and dislodge her assailant. When that failed, she erupted into another nova of holy light, and then another, but Florida Man would not relent. Without time to get ready this morning, Moira never had the chance to tie up her long, silky hair. Now Florida Man had it bound around his fist in an iron grip, such that even her defensive bursts could not break it. Every time he would be flung off, his momentum would simply drag her backwards and he pulled himself in to latch on once again.

-3hp

John was just regaining his feet as Moira wheeled backwards to try and pin Florida Man between her and a nearby stone pillar. Fueled by the power of unknown **** and the fury of the unhinged, Florida Man evaded her efforts by scrambling to her front. Knocking the wind out of herself, Moira stumbled for a moment. Florida Man opened wide and sunk his uneven teeth into her cheek.

“Get off of her, you fucking psychopath!” John finally caught up to the two and began to hack wildly at Florida Man with both knives. He knew that if Moira wasn't strong enough to break free, John didn't stand a chance of pulling anybody off anybody. Unfortunately, not only was he not even reacting to the wounds, John missed and slashed Moira instead several times. She was doing her best to fend off the ravenous creature atop her, but John could catch glimpses of strips of flesh dangling from the madman’s mouth. This wasn’t working. He needed a new plan.

-3hp

“Moira!” John shouted. He cringed as he wrapped his arms around Florida Man’s waist and neck. There was no time to bemoan his fate, only accept it. “Do the thing again, now!”

His unspecific instructions were enough, and Moira’s body illuminated with the same glorious, golden light that accompanied most of her magic. John could not see it, as his eyes were closed, but he could certainly feel the searing radiance enveloping him. It burned unlike any fire or boiling pasta sauce he’d ever felt. It was a deeper, brilliant pain felt across his entire body. For a moment, he lost all senses save the agony of Moira’s glory.

-3hp
-73hp

Lost among blindingly white pain, John still grappled Florida Man as they were flung off Moira’s body. He opened his eyes to stare at the sun, with only vague shapes to guide him. With concentration of every functioning nerve in his body, John willed one arm forward. Black Claw in hand, he drove his arm down and sliced clean through Moira’s hair.

Dont hate me for this later, okay?

John and his companion hit the ground and tumbled ass over end, breaking through a cluster of fragile stalagmites along the way before coming to a rest against one strong enough to stop them. Florida Man’s fire had gone out, but not his wits. John was too dazed and concussed to fight back as he wriggled free from the Gamer’s grasp and regained his feet. Still grinning but frantic, he whipped his head around in search of something unknowable. Widening his red-stained smile, he set off, leaving John behind.

-3hp

Or so he would have liked to. Florida Man only made it a few feet before a tugging yanked him back like a man who forgot his headphones were still plugged in. He looked down to find his entrails unspooling from within, pulled back from where they came, grasped firmly in John's hands. Fist over fist, John reeled in his retreating enemy. He was in too much pain and far too angry to care about how disgusting it was, focusing only on his task. He looped the slack around the stalagmite, fixed his grip, and resumed pulling, repeating the process for as long as it took. Florida Man fell on his ass and attempted to pull back, but in his weakened state he was unable to overcome even John’s meager strength. He came to a stop against John’s boot, intestines tugged too tight to maneuver anywhere. John held tight and put on a weak grin as he noticed the silhouette of Moira standing behind their enemy. Florida Man looked up, then back to John.

“You fucked with the wrong bitch, hombre,” he said.

For a fraction of an instant, John saw Florida Man’s expression fall into that of a whimpering puppy.

SPLURCH!!

-
<Achievement Unlocked!>
If You Die in the Internet, You Die in Real Life
Defeat an Abyssal Manifestation of web culture
+.0001 bitcoin
(just kidding)
+100 exp
+$420.69
Nice
-
+200 exp

And then everything went black.
-3hp
You are no longer Burned