A Merrie Reply

"Hi Marcie, Hi Gina! So nice to see you watched the beginning of my season." Mary was smiling towards a camera. "Oh, Marcie, look what I have here." Mary held up a potted cactus with a blooming flower. "I believe you might have lost this when it just so happened to collide with one of my girlfriends at Andy's party. The good news is that I was able to save it and get it flowering again. Alright, Astrid actually got it growing again, but she did so at my request."

"Mary, we’re supposed tae be replyin' tae this gey slanderous review." A Scottish kitsune said as she entered the frame.

A moment later, a French Maid that looked nearly like the Scottish lass, except for her hair color being slightly different and having only one fox tail instead of three, said, "I quite agree, Maîtresses. Vous must educate zees uncultured rabbel een ze best langooage zere ees, Française, non?"

"Och, I thocht we’d agreed I’d be the only ane daein' this wi' Mary. Back tae the tail wi' ye." With that, the French maid vanished in a puff of smoke and rejoined the kitsune as a fourth tail.

Mary grumbled, "Merida, while I know you want to get into their review, I feel it only proper to deal with this first."

"Aye, braw, get on wi' it then."

"Thank you. Now, Marcie, I'm pleased to let you know, I've decided to send you three flowers from the cactus. You might be asking, 'Why are you sending me three?' since you only need the one. Very simple, actually, I have also included a pair of cactus needles for you to poke Gina with when you decide she is being annoying. Cassandra has made it so that each needle will work once. You are free to lose the flowers if you want, of course."

Mary then glared into the camera, "Gina, you wanted a scumbag apparently so much you went and kissed one at Andy's party. I really didn't appreciate it when you immediately vomited on my shoes after I transformed back from Mary to Mark mid-kiss. Also, be nicer to Marcie. Marcie, I hope you recovered after landing face-first in that cake."

"Richt, that's mair than enough o' that!" Merida turned the camera towards her. "Listen here, ye wee cunts. First aff, Mary here is gey kind and ye can fuck braw and fast aff wi' yer grainin' aboot my posin' upgrade, or my accent. My accent was gey droll at first, but I'm fair fond o' it noo. As for bein' ower thirty? Gina, I've but ane question for ye: how lang hae ye left until ye’re a done-oot auld hag yersel'?"

Mary tried to calm Merida down a bit by patting her on the arm. "Hey, Merida, sweetie, it's okay. Their entire schtick is roasting people. While I'm sure the two are grown women, and quite big enough that a few offhand comments won't hurt their feelings, I think if you are going to say really nasty things to them, then we should include a trigger warning first, so that they can choose to opt out of the abusive language you're sending their way."

"Alricht, I'll try no' tae flame them ower muckle."

"Thank you. Now, I find it interesting that you talk about me being a self-insert of the producer for my season, yet you both have literally met me in person, with one of you snogging me. As for that grammatical crap you're giving the producer, please continue. I don't like him any more than you do. So much so, I won't bother pointing out your many grammatical errors."

"Mary, are ye certain I canna gae aff on the lot o' them a wee bit mair?"

"Don't worry, Merida, your presence here has likely ticked off Marcie to no end." Mary pulled out a script and adjusted her glasses. "Now I was told by Cassandra it was really important to get this part right, so I'm just going to read it directly to you two."

"Thank you for your review of Harem Hotel: Missed Encounters. We here at Harem Hotel appreciate your viewership and hope you will continue to round two in a few months. As we do have a timer set to go off in March to put this season back in the queue as soon as possible. Hardric sends his love and looks forward to you starting with the fan mail chapter when you pull back around to this branch in a few months. Never forget, you are both precious and good girls who are excellent at your jobs, especially you Marcie. Keep up the good work. You are both comedic geniuses and deserve many hugs and kisses for being such good girls. Complimentary wolf cookies are enclosed for the two feistiest bestest girls there are. I love a good roast, and if we were having a pervert contest, you would both tie for first, that's for sure. Has this speech gone on long enough for the bit? No? Maybe we can keep it going just a bit longer. Gina, please give Marcie head-pats from me, telling her she is a good girl and people need to recognize her brilliance more and praise her like the good girl she is. Also, Marcie, FUCK THE BRITISH! FRENCH ACCENTS ARE BETTER! SCOTTISH ACCENTS ARE BETTER! Speaking of fucking the British, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get to do that soon. OH, I might even have my French gal and Scottish lassie join me in domming her. Ah, okay, we likely finally have a large enough block of text to tick them off. So thanks Marcie. Thanks Gina. I hope you will return for another roast. Until next time on Harem Hotel: M.E.!"