A Hero From The Most Unlikely of Lands

Dark was the night of fate’s visitation to the languid land of the Halflings. The clouds ejaculated thunderous wails and ruinous rainfall upon the valley. It was as if Skye herself, in maternal misery, sought to drown the calamity away from her sight.

Tittymat the fivefold aspect of destruction, had returned. Upon her massive lizard form were her five multicolored heads, upon which sat five crowns each giving her dominance over a kingdom of dragons. Gifted she was by the darkness itself with permission to wage war against the saints and gods.

“Is there none who will save us?” Cried out every good being in the valley, if not out loud then more pathetically, in their hearts.

There was but one.

Precious Proudfoot stood upon the highest hill in the valley. Though she wore robes of the darkest ebony, she was the light. Upon her perfect toes shone the shiny jewels of Dungrundarfafhinomir the very jewel wept by Skye when she first took sight of beautiful creation. These magical jewels glimmered as the Wizard excitedly wiggled her toes. At last the destiny foreseen in the scrolls had come to pass.

The wizard looked upon the devastation of her homeland and did not find it to her taste. “TITTYMAT!” She bellowed like the very horns of Vuldune! “I RETURN THEE….” The mountain rumbled from their lowest depths, and the sky’s roared from their highest heights. “FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!”

She smote her opponent on the hillside. A mortal wound it was. The mother of dragons, undone by a mere mortal? The wound to her pride was twofold fatal, and slithered the great lizard back to her tomb. Off to wince and die alone, thus is the fate of all evildoers.

And what of the halflings? Goodest and best race in all of Coloradia? They of courses used their wisdom to appoint Precious Proudfoot as their Princess.

——-

“Uh, huh…” Gabe said, once Precious was done reciting her story. He looked to his party, who all just shrugged their shoulders. “Precious, remember.”

The halfling stiffened up. “Oh, you fucking racist!”

“Aww.” Gabe ducked his head.

“Why is the black woman a halfling? Two-thirdsling already taken?”

Gabe groaned. “Orc, goblin, and drow all seemed equally problematic.”

“How about a human huh? Are we at the point in society where a black woman can be considered a human being?”

“Not if the senator has anything to say about it.” Skye giggled.

Gabe ignored her. “I had to keep the twins the same heritage.”

“You couldn’t make them elves?”

Gabe shrugged. “I didn’t want to choose who was the good twin and who was the evil twin.”

“Anna’s the evil twin.” Vera, Precious and Jasmine all said at the same time.

Anna nodded. “I respect that.”

Precious had her hands on her hips. She wouldn't have been intimidating if she was put on top of the dragon she was lying about. “You got an answer for everything, don’t you?”

Gabe scowled. “But if you must know, this _was _a punishment.”

“For what?!?!” Precious threw her hands up.

“For losing us the game!” Anna cried back.

“I only played one match. We would have won if Gabe hadn’t taken me out.”

“Precious, I can’t even with you right now.” Anna buried her face in her gloves. “I’m too dead for this.”

"Fine." Precious crossed her arms and grumbled. "At least you chose a good class for me." She casually looked behind her. "Plus I got this dumpy now." She twerked softly towards the prince. "Ya like?"

Gabe made a pointed effort to look away.

Precious scoffed. "I guess I should try seducing you with... the other thing."

"Other thing?" Anna cocked an eyebrow.

"Please don't." Gabe sunk into this throne.

Precious guffawed and skipped towards the throne. "You're asking me, please don't? You're messing with my brain buddy boy, this is a big deal." She tapped her noggin, and began to climb up on his throne so she was standing on an armrest.

"Gabe?" Vera stepped forward. "What did you do?"

"I had to choose something!" He tried to ignore Precious. Hard to do when her tiny body was looming over him.

"You couldn't have chosen the option that made me even smarter?"

"Gabe," Vera said again. "What did you choose for Precious?"

"Yeah!" Precious brought one of her foot up and began to poke him in the face with her big toe. "What did you pick?" She pressed her foot to his face, and pushed him gently against the other armrest. "Was it the glasses thing?" She shifted her glasses just to check. "No, no I don't think so." She brought her spell book out. "It must be the spell casting thing!" She showed her spell book off to everyone, there wasn't so much as a dick drawn on the pages. "No, nope, my spell book isn't horny." She ground her foot into Gabe's face. "What change could you have done to me I wonder?!"

"Fine!" He swatted her foot away. "I gave her a foot fetish!"

"Oh Gabe." Vera shook her head, while both of the twins shared a fit of giggles.

Skye laughed as well. "But Gabe, that option came in last, you used a veto on that?"

Gabe dropped his head, and nodded. "Yes..." He groaned and looked at his team. "I have a foot fetish, okay?"

"Yeah, he's not the only one." Precious jumped from the armrest, and landed on Gabe's lap. Her cushioned behind gave his hard dick plenty of pressure. "I got it too now." She settled into his lap, and looked up at him. "Do you think they gave us the same taste?"

For Gabe this was worse than the girls being upset at him for their heritage changes. "I don't know."

"You like men's feet?"

"Not really."

"Hmm." Precious took a look at the team. "I'm betting Anna's feet are really sweaty from those boots, what do you think about popping them off and giving her a tongue bath?"

"Fuck." Gabe dropped his head again. That sounded hot, and the through of him and Precious tag teaming Anna... geez.

"Hahaha!" Precious kicked her feet victoriously. "Hide your socks ladies, we're pedi-pals!"

Vera held her book to her chest. She couldn't believe she was jealous of someone having a foot fetish. Gabe had said the right things back in the closet. But Skye had said that the only way for them to get home was to be his harem at the end. So far, so horny! For everyone except her. She stroked the binding of her book. No... what he had given her had been sweet and kind. A man could have his fun, but he could only have one queen.

Gabe adjusted himself, a hardon was pulsing beneath Precious's butt cheeks, and judging by her wiggles, she wasn't oblivious to it. "Doxing my fetish in front of everyone aside, I'm glad you're here."

"Changing by brain aside, why is that?"

Gabe turned to Balthazar. "Bring them out."

The Court mage nodded his head. "Right away my lord." He began to walk off.

"Hey!" Precious called after him.

"Yes?"

"You magic?"

Balazar looked to his overly ornate staff. "Yes..."

"I could kick your ass." She waved him away. "That's all."

Gabe shook his head. He was so glad Hurricane Precious had blown back into town. "Skye can you explain the weapon thing to her?" He hooked the shortstack on his lap. "I need your input."

Sky nodded and moved before the throne. She waved her hand and projected an image before the throne.

"This image depicts the basic stats weapons have in this world."

Precious looked it over. "Okay easy enough to understand. The more strength you have, the heavier weapon you can use, the heavier the weapon the more damage it does, and weight is half the damage rounded down." She looked to Skye, how much weight do we get?"

"You can carry weight equal to their strength."

"Okay, so I can't even wield a weapon, with only 1 strength."

Skye held up her finger. "Not necessarily. The strengths listed are what's needed to carry a weapon in one hand, if a player chooses to wield a weapon with both hands, they may carry a weapon one tier heavier than what their strength would allow."

"This is why I need, you," Gabe said. "Jasmine is our strongest player, she has six strength. She also has the second highest AC with 16. She gets a free weapon at the start of the game. Is it better to have her wield a two-handed weapon and do extra damage, or give her a medium weapon and a shield, which will give her an extra AC."

Precious looked over the table. Then looked to Skye. "I'm assuming strength gets added to damage?"

"Yes."

"If they are wielding a weapon two-handed do they get their strength modifier, or the strength modifier required to wield the weapon?"

"Theirs."

Precious nodded. "Give her a shield, no question."

Gabe was surprised. "Really?" He kind of figured it'd be helpful to have their strongest character carrying the biggest weapon possible.

Precious nodded. "She'd only be doing an extra point of damage. An AC is worth way more than that. Now if she got the strength too, that might be worth it. But as it is, I say give her the shield."

Gabe nodded. "That's why we keep you around."

At this time Balzathar returned with five attendants in regal robes, each of which was carrying a glass case. "My lord, for your selection, we have chosen five of the Legendary weapons we believe most suitable for lady Jasmine."

Gabe dared to look over at his team to see if any of them were as into this as he was. This was kind of cool! None seemed to be quite as into it as him, thought Jasmine on her tiptoes, trying to see what she'd be getting.

The first weapon attendant stepped forward. She bowed her head and withdrew a rectangular black handle trimmed with gold. Setting her case down. She held it in her hands and closed her eyes. A cloud of pink mist bellowed from the handle. "This is the Sapphic Blade, she is sworn to never hurt a woman." She shifted and pointed the sword at Gabe, and the mist gathered into a solid pink crystalline blade. "But to men she is deadly." The woman bowed her head, returned the blade to its case, and placed it before the Prince

The Sapphic Blade

Str: 6 Damage: 4 Weight: 1

Special Ability: The Sapphic Blade does physical damage to male opponents and Will damage to Female opponents.

Weapon Spirit: The Sapphic Blade adores women. It will encourage its wielder to be chivalrous, gentle, and submissive towards women. It's ultimate goal is to shift its user's sexuality towards exclusive attraction towards females. A bonus will be unlocked when this goal is achieved.

---

The Next attendant brought out a large and ornate-looking axe. Its shaft was engraved with halflings standing on each other's shoulders. The double-sided axe blades were two half circles which had another smaller half-circle at the peak of their crest... it looked like two boobs facing away from each other. "The Axe of Cleaving, my lord." By way of example, a chair was brought before the man. He hefted the axe over his head and spit the chair in two. But rather than two broken halves, the chair split into two smaller, but still whole versions of itself.

The Cleaving Axe

Str: 8: Damage: 5 Weight: 2

Special Ability: The Cleaving Axe may be welded by a halfling, goblin, or dwarf regardless of their strength and can wield it without any mental influence. When The Cleaving Axe does a critical hit, after the opponent has taken damage, they are split into two complete halves. These halves are half their size and have half their remaining health and stats rounded up. Each half rerolls initiative and gets a turn as their own character.

Weapon Spirit: The Cleaving Axe is the champion of justice for all the short stacks of the world. It will push its user to resent anyone taller than them, giving them a form of little dog syndrome. It'll also push them towards being jealous submissive, and helpful towards anyone shorter than themselves. Its ultimate goal is to convince the user to use the axe on themselves, turning them into one of the short races.

---

"Sir!" The third attendant leaped before Gabe. "It's my honor to present you with The Groping Shield!" He took a shield out of its case. It was about the size of a standard kite shield, but its surface was decorated with a relief of six arms. The attendant did something to activate the shield, at which point the arms came to life. They seemed to swipe lazily at the air. "It can be used to grab opponents, or..." He held the shield closed to his body, at which point the arms reversed course and grabbed the man. A hand reached down to cup his crotch; another grabbed his peck. One wrapped around his waist, the fourth seemed to gently grab his throat, while another placed itself gently upon his face like the caress of the lover. The shield was now taught against his body, almost like a kind of armor. Meanwhile, the final arm didn't touch him at all. In fact, it seemed to move about as if it were under his control. "

The Groping Shield

Str 4: Damage 2 Weight 3

Special Ability: If the user shield bashes with this weapon and hits, the target will be grabbed by the shield. While grabbed the target takes (2 x Level) will damage at the end of each of their turns. Alternatively, the user can choose to wield this weapon without using a hand, but they lose the ability to shield bash and must take (2 x Level) will damage to activate. They still gain the AC bonus for having a shield.

Weapon Spirit: The Groping Shield is a perverted spirit with no self-control. It will encourage its user to give into their desires, act on their impulses, and generally not think things through. It will try to push its user's sexuality in a stereotypically perverted manner, grabbing genitals, slapping asses, and stealing underwear, only to have no idea what to do during an actual sexual encounter. Its ultimate goal is to get its user locked up, but its goal can also be accomplished by having every harem member slap the user in a genuine moment of disgust.

---

"My lord." A woman with breasts so large, she needed to carry them before her in a wheelbarrow approached... with some difficulty. She presented Gabe with bow that seemed to be made of smoldering wood. "This bow was made from the wood of a dryad who'd seduced a succubus in ****, trapping the two together for eternity."

Okay... Gabe was kind of having a good time now. That sounded cool. "That's awesome, what's it called?"

The woman scratched her cheek sheepishly "It's um... called The Boob Bow."

"I see."

The Boob Bow

Strength 4: Damage 3 Weight 1

Special Ability: Any being struck by one of this bow's cursed arrows, immediately grows a pair of breasts or increases their breasts size if they already have breasts. This increases the total weight the character is carrying by 1. If this makes the target exceed their weight limit they must choose to discard a weapon or piece of armor. Any crits scored by the user will increase their own breast size, without the weight penalty.

Weapon Spirit: This weapon is powered by the spirits of two spurned lovers. They will encourage the user not to tie themselves down with long-term relationships, to live in the moment, and to party! They will attempt to move the user's sexuality to a polyamorous bisexual free-love mindset. Their ultimate goal is to get the user to betray a lover in some way and break their heart.

---

The Final attendant approached the throne, he gave a cocky smiled, and produced a small dildo from his case. "Size isn't everything." He laid the small device at Gabe's feet. "For your consideration: The Dominator"

The Dominator

Strength 2: Damage 2: Weight 1

Special Ability: The damage of The Dominator is equal current arousal of The Prince. The Dominator changes forms as its damage increases.

Weapon Spirit: The Dominator's weapon spirit is a loyal attack dog for The Prince. It will encourage unthinking loyalty to The Prince. It will encourage the user to show their obedience by defeating and dominating powerful opponents for his viewing enjoyment. It will attempt to move the user's sexual identity towards a Dominant Pansexual outlook. Its ultimate goal is to get its wielder to identify as male.

---

Gabe chuckled softly. "Well they all sound so awful."

"Some great mechanics, though," Precious said. "That shield frees up a hand. The bow will **** people to drop their equipment. I mean we can give the axe to Vera if we're feeling really cheeky and avoid the damage there altogether."

Gabe turned to Jasmine. "What do you think?"

Jasmine shook her head. "I'm thinking I would have liked the transformation that **** me to go to the gym." She threw her hands up. "I dunno, Orc me already likes girls. I guess the sword could be useful."

Anna shook her head. "We have to become his harem." She shuddered just saying it. "If you're a lesbian, it won't work."

Skye turned to the two women. "Not all need sleep with the master for our quest to succeed." She waved her hands as if summoning words to her mind. "Ye need only care for Gabriel to the exclusion of all else."

Jasmine shrugged. "Let's face it, I'm the only one of you nerds that's going to be any good in a fight. Just give me whichever one is going to give us the best chance of winning. I'll figure all this harem stuff out later."

"Who even knows how powerful their influence will be?" Gabe tried to **** some cheer into his voice. "The transformation just said that they whisper to you. You and I have been screaming at each other for months, and neither of us have changed the other's mind."

"Just choose something." Jasmine snapped. "I said I'd deal with it."

What a dumb time to make a joke. Gabe was eager for this introduction period to be over. He was going to need some serious one on one with everyone to start mending bridges. Right now he was just as much of an enemy as Skye to these girls. Precious sitting on his lap, couldn't have made him look sympathetic to their cause.

Time to make a choice. Gabe closed his eyes. "Audience, show me the weapon that will bring us victory."

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