A Golden Opportunity.

That crazy Snake Lady freaks the bejeezus out of me! If my reward for getting this far in the Tournament was spending a whole hour in the Arena trapped with her, then I don’t even wanna know what I’d get if I become the Champion!
If I even got the chance.
Uni was no match for her. Neither was Katey. Next in line was me. Somehow I had to do what they couldn’t. Or else, I’d end up just like them.

Now, if I’m that apprehensive about going up against her, you're probably asking why I'm not resigning from the Tournament. That’s what I told them to do from the start, right? To stay away from Hebi-san. And I turned out to be absolutely right! So what about me? Shouldn’t I practice what I preach? Run off to live another day? Take the chance they never got?

Here’s the thing though: I’ve got an idea.
Not really a plan. More like a hint, on what's possible to do. Kind of a first recourse: A glimmer of hope not too far to be farfetched. Basically, an alternative to losing. Allegedly.
And I couldn’t leave that idea on its own to die! It had to be nurtured and cared for, then set into the wild to run free! Just like all my ideas are meant to! If I don’t, how am I better than a murderer?
So, no. I couldn't opt out of the match. But here’s a better question for you:

How come no one handed **** rifles to my opponents?
I tried to make my gal pals lose before Hebi-san got her paws on them. Now, it didn’t pan out the way I hoped, but hey! At least it shows that I think about their well-being!
I was in Hebi-san's bracket too, though. But did anyone care enough to do the same for me? No!
What has the world come to?

Oh, but I’m kidding!
Not everyone shows they care by providing modern firearms to your mortal enemies. My friends appreciate me for the way I show love in my own way. Just like how everyone got their own way of showing love!

Take our own little Goldfish Knight, for example.
I have no idea what my Bat Girl said to him in order to make him come along. All I knew was that he couldn't leave a damsel in distress to her devices.
That's his way of showing love! To himself!

Day 3 of The 129th Rasheul Great **** Tournament
05:44 PM

The echo of metallic clanking could be heard throughout the rec room long before the golden knight stormed out from the 2nd floor corridors.
That room felt just like a basement, only it wasn't below ground. Something about the cozy lighting from the single small window, and the way the rudimentary furniture managed to come off as both comfortable and stylish, relayed that this for-what-it-was tiny room was reserved for those with a casual mode they didn't know how to turn off.
Against his pauldron leaned a positively humongous spear of shimmering gold. I'd honestly have thought the Goldfish Knight had just pulled a bridge from somewhere to use as a weapon, except no one would ever let anyone put their foot on something that fancy. Every single square inch of that behemoth could easily cost up to my yearly salary six times over at the jewelry store. The intricate patterns converged into a grand helix, forming a complex yet structurally sound beast of a weapon.
Just looking at that made my wallet hurt! If I got stabbed by that thing, I think I'd rather die than having to worry about paying the cleaning bill for spoiling it!

Tagging along with him was my Bat Girl, crying rivers from her eyes.
Just like I told her to.
Yeah... I know. Using **** magic is bad. And I hate it. But listen, there's some mad science behind all that voodoo! I'm only human, after all!
There's using it, and then there's ab-using it. Whichever I was doing, and which was unacceptable, is a matter for semantic debate. The point is, I asked for her permission first.
And I'm only doing it for science.

"Sniff... sir d'Artagan... I'm so sorry..." Bat Girl wiped her cheek with the Goldfish Knight's new handkerchief, this one silver instead of gold, "I-I know I'm being a bother, but..."
"Fret not, young maiden." He replied, "The vile machinations of Dark Lord Ithere spare no one in their ambitions. If this den of martial honor has indeed been compromised by his lieutenant, then a clash between light forces and dark is inevitable."
I first thought bawling that much would turn out to be a problem. Sooner or later it'd be impossible to feel sorry for the girl with waterfalls for eyes, and it'd just become ridiculous.
But, no! Turns out this guy's flair for the dramatic overshadows even the slightest hint of self-awareness. The spicier the performance, the more he eats it up.
He didn't even notice my epic showdown with the very Champion of tabletop tennis:
The wall.

PLICK!
PLOCK!
PLICK!
PLO-LOCK!

No feint or trick of mine was subtle enough to make the wall across the table so much as flinch!
PLICK!
PLOCK!
Every time it sent the ball bouncing back with robotic precision. I started to exert myself, yet the wall hadn't even broken a sweat.
Eventually the wall sent the ball close to the edge. I scrambled to reach it, and did manage to swat it away. Unfortunately, my swing was too wide. The ball flew straight at the Goldfish Knight's face!
He effortlessly caught it in his gauntlet. A crushing sound followed as he clenched his fist around it.
From beyond the helmet he sent me a deathly glare.
"I cannot indulge your diversions now, Heretic. Our quarrels will be settled when the time comes. Until then, far more urgent matters are at hand."

His golden finger flicked the crunched up remnants of the ball haphazardly towards me without even looking. It landed at my feet.
Kneeling down, I picked it up between my fingers, "Thanks! I was looking for an opportunity to ditch that faceless dork!"
I headed towards the bookshelf where gamebooks and board games were stacked neatly in colorful displays. Next to it a disassembled pool table, along with other variations of game tables, leaned against the wall each wrapped in tarp. I dug my hand into the box at the bottom shelf, searching against hope for a ball the Goldfish Knight was yet to ruin.

The Goldfish Knight leered at the closet door on the other side of the room, "I presume there is where she was spotted?"
"Y-yes, sir D'Artagan..." Bat Girl stuttered between sulks, "Th-that's the hideout of Garnet... Th-the Apostle of Ithere. Wh-when I opened the door... Th-there she was. At f-first, I didn't even realize what I saw... B-but then I was out of myself. Sh-she hurled her Red Destruction Beam at me... I barely dodged her... And... And... And I r-ran straight to you, sir D'Artagan. I had no idea where else to turn!"
"Indeed. What price are we prepared to pay in affording the Dark Lord trust to enter this hallowed fair? How fortuitous, then, that a Holy Knight happened to be on the stage."
Whatever a 'Red Destruction Beam' was, the complete absence of any trace of destructivity in its aftermath didn't seem to touch the Goldfish Knight in the slightest.
Maybe this Red Destruction Beam was really only magic to summon duck feed.
Either that, or he was just too self-absorbed to pay any attention to his surroundings.

The Goldfish Knight stepped forward, his arm held between the Bat Girl and the offending door, "Stand aside, Young Maiden. I shall end this promptly. The fiendish Apostle shall meet her end at the tip of my Holy Lance Jaivardhan."
He coached the lance under his arm, lowering his knees so as to take steady aim.

...Oh crap. I didn't like where that was heading one bit.
A shrill gasp left my Bat Girl, "H-hold on! Wh-what about her... What about her hostage...?"
The Goldfish Knight turned his neck slowly towards her, "...This is the first I hear of this hostage."
Each syllable dripped slowly from the cracks in his willing suspension of disbelief.
"Ah... Forgive me! I... I... She held a stray kitten in her grasp... F-forgive me... That detail slipped my mind..."
"That vile cretin! Do the darkness of their pitiful souls know no bounds? Fear not, Young Maiden!" He clanked his way towards the door, "I shall see to it that every innocent soul is spared the evil devices of Dark Lord Ithere and his minions! This I swear! On the honour of my..."

CLICK!
He opened the door.
Out sprung a white-haired woman whose tiger-skin bikini hugged the curves of her toned frame.
"TICKLE TIME! OH! THIS ONE LOOKS JUICY!"
She clung to the Goldfish Armor like a tick, wrapping her legs around his torso. Her hands animated with perverse hunger, she explored every square inch of his shimmering plates.
"GAH! FOUL DEVIANT! GET OFF ME!" The Goldfish Knight flailed his lance around dangerously, almost hitting the Bat Girl, who only barely managed to dodge out of way.
Of course, as long as the B-bracket finalist Lauren the Tickle Fetishist stuck herself to the Goldfish Knight's frame, she remained on the same good side of the spear as him. His waving didn't even manage to put a scratch on the huge wild silver pigtails growing from her skull like bushes.
When he tried to reach her and throw her off, she nimbly dodged his hand by crawling all over his body in search for ever new spots to tickle. Perching on his shoulder like a parrot, she wrapped her legs around his neck, leaving him with an excellent view of her bountiful rear and the tiger-skin loincloth which contained it.
This was no small woman, mind you, but for the Goldfish Knight's considerable stature she might as well have been a bug the way she crawled all over him.

No spot on him was safe! Nimble fingers inserted itself in the gaps of his armor. They madly assaulted him under the golden plates.
Who knew that the great Golden Knight would be so sensitive? I suppose there wouldn't be a need for all that heavy armor if he wasn't.

He scrambled around the rec room in a frantic dance until toppling to the floor in a resounding crash. This left him completely at the mercy of the madwoman as the lance rolled out of his hand.
"TICKLE-ICKLE-LITTLE! TIME TO TICKLE MY LITTLE FICKLE NICKEL!"
"AHHHH! UNHAND ME AT ONCE!"

Now that was a spectacle I could've stared at all day!
But we had a job to do. I waved towards Bat Girl to come. She slipped past the Goldfish Knight, heading towards me.
"You can stop crying now." I whispered to her, "...Unless you want to."
But she didn't. Her tears dried up almost instantly.

"Looks like the heist went down without a hitch." She whispered back.
"Heh, yeah. Nice job keeping him from bombing Poor Old Tickler over there. Could've turned bleak for everyone involved. Now help me get this into place!" I patted one of the parcels leaning on a wall next to the bookcase. Together we moved it to the lovebirds wrestling at the floor. We unfastened the straps around it and unrolled the item from the tarp. Out popped the one and only Golden Lance, Java the Hut.

Well, the replica of the one and only Golden Lance, Java the Hut, which I 3D-printed earlier. Getting that level of detail right turned into a nightmare. Yet there's no disputing the end result became flawless, if I had to say so myself.
Well, almost flawless.

I took out a bottle of gold glitter from my pocket, sprinkling a light layer across the surface of the fake spear. That earned me an impatient glare from my Bat Girl, which I responded with by smiling innocently.
What can I say?
You can't please a perfectionist.

While the Goldfish Knight got his tickle treatment, I moved in to grab his little golden stick and hand over his substitute.
Except a searing pain snapped at my finger the moment it touched the blade, "Ah... Sonova..."
I slipped the hurting finger into my mouth. Bat Girl pointed towards the shaft of the spear.
Right.
Apparently that thing operates by lightsaber rules.

Together we swapped places of the spears; the fake landed next to the Goldfish Knight as he valiantly struggled against the tickle enthusiast's relentless ****. The real deal we wrapped in the tarp.
Now, normally it would be utterly out of the question to carry a solid gold object of that size. But my Bat Girl had no intention of asking any stupid questions! She merely hoisted the parcel up before propping it against the wall next to the bookshelf.

The Goldfish Knight hadn't taken notice of anything going on around him. He was far too preoccupied wresting off the offending tickler from his face.
"YIELD!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, "YIELD AT ONCE!"
Yeah... As hilarious as all that was, I probably shouldn't leave them to their own devices all night. Really, how could I be sure she wouldn't end up as a splat on the wall? Or he wouldn't end up with a splat in his pants?

So I reached towards the white-haired tickler with my finger, scratching her softly in the neck.
"Hu-uhhh!?" She stopped in her tracks, blinking fervently in confusion. I scratched her some more on that one sweet spot, and she purred loudly. The tickle enthusiast climbed off the Goldfish Knight and rolled up into a ball on the floor, moaning in satisfaction as she shuddered in delight.
The Goldfish Knight lay sprawled on the floor long after the fight had settled, his arms folded over his visor. Once he noticed the onslaught had died down, he peered over his arms, looking left and right. The Golden Lance was there next to him. He snatched it up in short order.
"Sir D'artagan! You did it!" My Bat Girl pulled him off the floor by his arm, "You made the evil one submit!"
He looked at the fawning Bat Girl, then at the pacified Tickle Fetishist, "I... Uh..."
"Nice job!" I gave him a thumbs up, "That could've ended badly, huh? But you sure showed her!"
He stared dumbfounded between the both of us.
"And look!" The Bat Girl reached into the closet, picking an adorable cat plushie from a shelf inside, "The hostage is completely unscathed! All because of your courage and valiance!"
She pushed the plushie into his hand.
He stared down at the kitty, which looked back at him with its ridiculously cutesy smile. He pondered what to make of all that happened.
Either he could call out our fake adorations on the grounds that he in fact was dominated by a tickle-crazy freak.
Or...

"But of course." He declared proudly, tapping his chestplate with his palm, "All in a day's work. Rest assured, no ignoble affairs of the Dark Lord's shall find its respite. Not under the vigilant eye of Silvester Spartano D'artagan."
"Thank you so much!" The Bat Girl sighed.
"Think nothing of it, fair maiden," He peered towards me, "As for you, Heretic, you have indeed progressed to your Bracket Final. Some might call that impressive, were not your victories tarnished by your transgressions. Regardless, as it stands, a single opponent is left in your way for the Finals, where we both are at liberty to test the **** of our convictions against one another. Do not disappoint me."
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it!" I answered, "But then again... There's also the chance that you'll lose your next match, right?"
The Goldfish Knight scoffed, turning his back to me, "Do not entertain such preposterous musings, Heretic. You yourself have borne witness to what I am capable of. It should be clear that no mere peon can so much as scratch me, let alone fell me in combat. I am in a class of my own."
With that he marched off with the Fake Lance propped againt his shoulder.

...Yeah, we could all see that no one else was in his class.
To be fair though, the match would take place in an open field with each opponent in plain view. That's a different beast entirely from the situation we concocted to limit the use of his spear.
That said... Boy, he was definitely in way over his head!

9:22 PM

"And here it is!"
You should've seen the look on Sanakia's face when I gestured towards the parcel, and the tarp floated to the floor when Bat Girl pulled at it.
"H-h-hehhh!?" Bird Brain blinked frantically, staggering back. She looked around the room, as if trying to tell apart the Golden Spear before her from reality.
Her eyes peered over the length of the weapon, moving from detail to detail. Each moment her doubts shrank, but her comprehension of what she saw shrank as well.

"I give to you, The Golden Lance of Jayjayjayjay!" I announced, "Right off of the hands of His Goldfishiness himself!"
"...Indeed." She conceded, "The one and only legendary Holy Lance of Jaivardhan. Nothing can match it in splendor and majesty. It has to be the genuine article."

Bird Brain turned towards me. She looked like she was about to cry.
"And my Lord? He did grant me my blessing to wield it against my foe? Are you certain?"
"Hey!" I laughed, "You imagine we'd get hold of it somehow if he didn't?"
Her dumbfounded gaping turned into a jubilant smile, "Never would I have imagined that my Lord would have such faith in me."
"Ah, come on now!" My Bat Girl tapped her shoulder, "Give him some credit! Faith is his whole business, isn't it? You've served him faithfully and digilently for... I suppose all you life, right? And look, this is your reward!"
Bird Brain sighed deeply in satisfaction, "I shall not fail him. With his faith, and the Holy Lance on my side, that mage shall rue the day she stood against me. Thank you... Thank you so much, miss Allison. And you too, miss Bright. Truly, I am in your debt."
Bird Brain kneeled down and tapped her chestplate with her clenched fist.

"Ah, come on! We're all friends here, right?" I said, genuinely flustered.
"Yeah! Just go out there and give that mage hell!" My Bat Girl confirmed.
"She will certainly face more than she bargained for. As for now, I shall pay my Lord a visit at once, and display my sincerest gratitudes."
"Sure!" I said with a chuckle, "You might wanna postpone that though. Kind of late right now, isn't it? Heck, I myself need to get down and prepare something for my own match!"
"Ah, that is a fair point." She scratched her chin, "Then it shall have to wait until the morning."
"Right," My Bat Girl interjected, "Although, don't you have your match first thing in the morning?"
"That matters not. I owe my Lord everything. With a display of such magnanimity, the least I can do is to see him one last time before I put it to use. Even if I have to rise before the sun itself."
I shared some worried looks with my Bat Girl.
"If there is nothing else, then I will excuse myself for tonight."
"Well... You don't think he'd be disappointed seeing you before you got a prize after giving you that Lance?" I asked.
Bird Brain shook her head, "I could never disappoint him. He is my Lord. I have sworn allegience to him."
"I guess that's that then..." The Bat Girl sighed, "Well, good night then."
"And good luck!" I chimed in.
"Go break a leg!"
"Toodles!"

The Bird Brain nodded, rising to her feet. She grabbed the shaft of the enormous weapon and hoisted it up.

CLONK!

Estelle and I both jumped away when the head of the spear flopped on to the floor. Unable to lift it properly, Bird Brain dragged it out to the corridor. I could see Bat Girl tense up and wince from the loud noise of the tip scraping the floor.
Soon enough, only her occasional grunting from her could be heard, before the rec room fell to silence.
Only I and Bat Girl were left inside.
"Well," She shrugged, "Looks like we're screwed."
I pulled out my phone and pressed play, "I, for one, am far more concerned about what will happen to her."

"Yeah..." Bat Girl sighed, "You know, it would've saved us a lot of trouble if we just gave her the forgery?"
I pushed play once again, "Perhap. Although that would not possibly have been nearly as fun."