5/Day 1/Month, by JakeSnakeCakes

“Marcie?”

“Yes, Gina?”

“We had many gross usernames before.”

“Gina please.”

“Engin,TFWNoGiantGF, dick doctor, dickgirl guy, Jerk.”

“These are mostly your nicknames though...”

“But this one! This one takes the cake!”

“...pfft.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Alright, it is pretty gross but what about NoisyThroatSquelching?”

“Ok, fair, that one is worse, but still!”

“So, anyways, this time...”

“And his picture is disgusting too!”

“*cough*We are reading 5/Day 1/Month, by JakeSnakeCakes”

“And what the fuck is wrong with that title? Looks like a glitched calendar!”

“I have no idea, but I am sure we are about to find out. According to the synopsis this is the story about a bloke(name customisable) who needs to ejaculate five times a day.”

“Wow, that sounds really fucking stupid. But at least I get to put your name into this.”

“Uh...”

“And I do the choices this time around!”

“Aren't you greedy?”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“The story starts with this fuck suddenly falling over. Turns out he has a medical condition and when he doesn't get to cum five times per day for a whole month he gets to die!”

“That explains the title at least. What a weird way to partition it.”

“This has to be one of the most harmless affliction's ever. Most of the readers here jerk off this much on a daily basis.”

“It is certainly not an insurmountable amount. So after a passing Doctor(female of course) stimulates our protagonist to ejaculate, he gets transported to a hospital. While in the emergency vehicle Gina has the bright idea to get the driver to join in.”

“First! I thought the driver was female. Second, this is a certified unkown7 attempt at humor. Har Har, the driver is driving so if he joins in the car crashes! Bad End!”

“It was only mildly amusing. So we had to backtrack and choose another option. Gina settled for Dirty Talk.”

"Aw yeah? Is that what you like you filthy bugger?" she says, smiling.

“This feels more like something google would vomit up. Damn, this author is just an amalgamation of shit.”

“Incidentally, google is up next in the queue.”

“Oh, great!”

“We made it to the hospital and the main character gets to choose who should help him ejaculate: the nurse or the doc.”

“Yeah and apparently I choose the wrong option because we reach another end!”

“This is just dreadful planning on the authors part. From a narrative standpoint it doesn't really matter which option you choose here, so both paths could just loop around to the main path. I would suggest the author to check out the “link chapter” feature.”

“Yeah! Whatever that is.”

“Picking the other option once more and Gina is presented with another choice. Healthcare or no healthcare.”

You feel tears roll down your cheeks. Are you really going to die because you didn't have insurance? Are you going to lose your cock and balls because you didn't have the right job?

“Thanks Obama.”

“This guy needs to stop being such a little bitch. If there is one thing the human body is always capable of its masturbation!”

“Unless you are cursed like Gina of course.”

“Marcie is broke af, so she call up every single one of her female friends, except her family to help her masturbate. Wow! That actually is pretty accurate!”

“I would never do that.”

“Also, the writer just created the one scenario in which would be absolutely excusable and of course it doesn't fucking have any.”

“Are you complaining about a lack of , Gina?”

“Of course not!”

“To say something positive, this is actually not a bad idea as far as plot progression goes. Your friends being to stimulate you, because you die otherwise is kinda neat.”

“Yeah too bad, it matters fuck all, because guess what? ANOTHER END!”

“Backtracking it is.”

“So back. Again. And this time Marcie has health insurance, so she gets this really crazy coverage package in which she can basically fuck the nurses.”

“Before we get to that however, our protagonist gets a visit by, let me check my notes...ah yes Irina's Sister.”

“Who the fuck is Irina?”

“The Doctor from earlier or was it the nurse?”

“Yeah, these characters won't exactly win any prizes in the miss personality contest. It's all you can eat nice/slightly mischievous girl buffet. And guess fucking what? Every fucking name ends with an a again!”

“So..umm..Sara wants to have sex with the protagonist because his sperm is apparently extremely fertile.”

“Of course it is.”

“Sara then proceeds to sneak him out of the hospital, so they can have sex at her mansion.”

"I'll be right back. Why don't you get comfortable?" You take your jacket off, and see your Sephiroth tattoo. She won't mind. Her husband seems like a bad boy.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”

“Woah, Marcie! Language!”

“I'm sorry..pfft...but a S-Sephiroth tattoo....ahahaahahahahahaha!”

"Are you ready to breed me? Let's see..." She rips your shirt off, and gently drags her nails down your chest. "Good so far." She gazes at your Sephiroth tattoo. "You must be one bad motherfucker."

“WHEEZE!”

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“Have you calmed down?”

“Y-Yes...”

“Good, because while you where rolling around on the floor I reached another dead end. But this time, we are over 10 chapters deep. So, fuck you!”

“That was more amusing then I expected.”

“Yeah, because your sense of humor is damaged goods.”

“I won't deny that the attempts on humor in this where a bit clumsy. But it is the thought that counts, isn't it?”

“No.”

“What was your take on the sex scenes, Gina?”

The droplets cool your skin, and you smell her delicious stink.

“In one word? Disgusting.”

“You know what they say. One in the pink and one in the...”

“If you finish this sentence I divorce you.”

“Alright, alright, geez can't even take a joke.”

“But seriously, what is it with some authors just really trying to write their sex scenes as gross as possible? I can't masturbate when I need to vomit!”

“To be fair, I personally don't think they where really all too disgusting. My issue with them was more the comedy. Pfft...Sephiroth...”

“Don't even start.”

“Hm, as for some closing statements. I do think the high amount of Ends where rather unfortunate. Multiple choices are fine and all but when said choices only continues for a chapter or so that is just disappointing.”

“It also causes us to read more then necessary, which fucking sucks!”

“Because of this, I actually don't think we really got into the meat of the story.”

“Because said meat involved a dickgirl. I ain't choosing that option, you fuck!”

“As mentioned earlier, I believe quite a lot of it could be fixed by simply doing a bit of housekeeping. Linking paths back together, trimming choices that don't lead to anything yet...etc.”

“Yeah, yeah, its not that the story is anything to write home about in the first place, so doing that will only make it move from shit to below average.”

“Finally, I actually believe the getting jerked off by friends path has the most potential. I like the idea that the protagonist has to keep the girls happy enough that they continue their service, because otherwise he dies.”

“That's kinda dark, Marcie.”

“Hm, maybe. Admittingly, the story is perhaps a bit too lighthearted for that.”

“So...we done?”

“Yes, we are done. Now to properly close this review with a comedic pointe to show this amateur how it is done.”

“...”

“...”

“...Sephiroth...pfft.”

“Shut up!”