01 Section I

There have been several interesting recent devlopments in the world of film. Just to highlight a few of the highest grossing films of the year:
DUNE: PART TWO- This fim primarily follows the exploits of Timothee Chalamet and Zendaya as they attempt to rally the Fremen against the terroists in control of Arakkas. However, there is a catch. Almost all the technology on Arakkas is powered by the sexual humilaition, punishment, humilation, or **** of young attractive humanoid women. Unfortunatley for Zendaya, that meant filming a ton of scenes strapped to multi foot long robot-dildos, being fucked constantly and pounded into piles of gross mud and animal shit. And that's just when flying the Dragonfly inspired helicopters.
GODZILLA XXX KONG: THE NEW SLUT-PIRE- Despite the title, the majority of this film's "fight scenes" involved the military using expiremental growth technology to create titan-sized girls to fight against the various massive monsters. Godzilla racks up a body count of over 71 unwilling female citizens subject to the miliatry's unethical testing in this movie alone. Not to mention the countless women destroyed by Kong, Shimo, and the other creatures.
MEAN GIRLS- This film's run time is actually devoted to a prank war between Angourie Rice, Renee Rapp, Auli'i Cravalho, Bebe Wood, and Avantika Vandanapu. This involves lots of stripping/streaking through the school, plenty of boyfriend stealing, covering each other in a ton of nasty stuff, and eventually sexually assaulting one another with dildos. This leads to one getting stuck up Renee Rapp's ass until a medical procedure can be performed, forcing the school to take serious action against all parties involved. This leads to all 5 girls recieving public spankings for an entire week in the school cafeteria.
MADAME WEB- Depite having an all-star combo of Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney, Madame Web only has three lesbian scenes, six scenes where the villains secually **** them, and five different scenes of them being **** to be naked and messy in public places. A real waste of potential.

In terms of Monster related news, there is a real mixed bag. Obviously with the release of Godzila there has been an increase of production in "**** animatronics" of the monsters from that franchise. For those unaware, these extremly lifelike AI-controlled synthetic monsters can be programmed to execute any command. This can lead to extremly entertaining circumstances when collectors sick their collection of giant-dicked robo-monsters on unsuspecting female passerbys. Videos show armies of automatons emerging to chase after, strip, and **** whomever it's commander wants. In other monster-movie news, behind the scenes footage from the **** Awakens back in 2017 has released. This hidden footage shows Daisy Ridley bound in futuristic handcuffs while being savagley attacked by several Rathtars simeltaneously. Hundreds of long, slimy, tentacles covered every inch of her body in the footage. One final major monster news story broke recently, that being the addition of an upcoming Scooby-Doo live action reeboot starring Kathryn Newton as Daphne and Iman Vellani as Velma. Reportedly, the pair of MCU Young Avengers castmates are supposed to face their "toughest challenge yet" in the form of a haunted mansion. Succubi, Demonesses, prank ghosts, slime girls, werewolves, toilet paper mummies, and more await them. And the best part is that it's all being filmed practically, no special effects required.

THAT WRAPS IT UP FOR THE FIRST EVER ISSUE OF SHITTY NEWS! IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE TOPICS, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!