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ISSUE 1: A NEW BEGINNING (link broken)

In today's issue, we have all sorts of great stuff lined up, starting with our Gross Out segment. To start, girls in the Chicago area have been turning up in dumpsters. Locked in plastic trash bags filled with some sort of orange liquid that appears to be liquefied garbage, girls would be thrown into dumpsters and left there for hours until somebody could find them. The girls say that, while very gross, it was not as traumatizing as it sounds, and that they hope the culprit is apprehended before too many more victims are bagged, although experts predict that it could take months to catch him/her. Also, a new social media hashtag has started to go around. #Guts2Cheer was started by a group of American boys after getting into an argument with classmates over how easy cheerleading is. One of the girls responded that "cheerleading takes guts". This gave them an idea. That night, they kidnapped the entire cheer team and tied them together, naked. They then proceeded to shove them into an extremely small shower block, meaning the girls were all getting some very serious team bonding. The guys then dumped around 20 barrels worth of fish guts onto the girls, hence the hashtag, #guts2cheer. This viral stunt inspired many others around the globe to do the same, leading to tens of thousands of cheerleading teams being to get real close and personal, and really messy. This phenomenon has spread to Australia, Japan, The UK, Brazil, France, South Korea, and more, giving us all the sexy content we need for the next year. And were not even on segment two yet!

Actually, that was a lie, because its time for segment two, S.B.R. Millions of men around the world have used their slaves as cumdumps for years. However, no matter their position, it always left one or two of their three holes inaccessible, until recently, thanks to a company called Hangers (link broken). With their service, all three of a girls holes are easily accessible at any time, making disposing of large amounts of cum quick and easy. In addition, it lets consumers choose which hole they would like to use at any given time. In other news, The Worldwide Purge is quickly approaching, as it is scheduled for July 4th-July 20th. For those of you who don't remember, every year, within the preset days, all hot, young women are free use for anyone. Other minor crimes (such as trespassing and ) are allowed if it directly leads to the of a woman. Reminder that all women are to get naked and stand out in the streets of big cities during this time, as trying to hide or run away would be considered a crime, and is punishable with years of "public service" (usually in public restrooms). Just a reminder that following recent legislation, is legal all of the time, but during the purge cases almost double, as women are to stay in the streets. The purge was created by world leaders years ago in order to try to increase rates worldwide by getting people excited about it, and also create more internet videos depicting , especially for the social media platform Rapeit. Rapeit is a poplar platform where users post photos, videos, and stories into different categories called "subrapeits".

Moving right along, we come to one of our most unique segments, Villain's Layers. This week, we sent our reporter Jasmine to check out Jabbba's Palace and Sail Barge.
Here is her report:
Ever since I first arrived, Jabba's lair has been a constant party with a rotating cast of powerful figures from across the galaxy. Twi'leks being to make out and scissor with each other naked is a real highlight, which is great because Jabba has them doing it almost non-stop. I would say they get about 2 hours off per week. Max. Droids buzz around the place, forcing waves of pleasure onto female slaves of all races. Every once in a while, he'll drop some girls into a pit below, where some kind of monster attacks them. Last I saw, some big metal gates opened and waves of tiny tentacle creatures flooded out, having their way with the slaves. Jabba often picks one girl as his favorite, and they are given the unfortunate role of his personal servant. They have to cuddle up close to his large, slimy body at all times. When his slaves are off duty, they aren't really "off duty". Instead, they go to the Gammorean Barracks where they are gangbanged by a bunch of massive slimy green pig creatures. It's not a good time for them. I've been Jasmine of ShittyNews, signing off.

That was supposed to be the end of the transmission.

However that isn't the end of the story. Our group was approached by Bib Fortuna. He said that we had promised Jabba some sort of "payement". He said something about a "Skinny, yet busty, Human, Indian, female, ". Then, our camera guy said that we had the payment, and that Bib was looking at it. Then, he shoved me forward, and started to pack up the filming equipment and leave. Bib then said "Ahhhhh yes, she will make a perfect new personal assistant".