‘There’s something else…’

You feel your shoulders slump. ‘Yeah, okay, but… there’s something else. I said…’

Emma looks at you curiously. ‘What? You said… ?’

This really is hard, but you **** the words out. ‘I said maybe I’d taken advantage of her, and… she didn’t deny it.’

‘Nope. No. Sorry.’ Emma’s shaking her head. ‘It’s like you’re looking for reasons why it’s your fault. That’s a guy thing, dude! When you have a problem, you go silent until you’ve fixed it. You don’t talk about your shit unless one of two things are true.’ She flicks a finger up. ‘One, you’re really, completely stuck and you need help – or two, you need to yell at someone because it’s their fault. So you keep assuming that because she’s unloading all her problems on you, she either wants you to fix them or she thinks they’re your fault.’

That… sort of makes sense. Kind of. In a twisted-up way. You take a deep breath, trying to get your head around it.

Emma sighs. ‘Thing is… she’s a girl. That’s not how she operates. If she’s going off about something, it doesn’t mean she thinks you fucked up. She just can’t feel better unless she gets it all out. You don’t even need to come up with a solution. You just need to listen.’

‘So…’ You can feel your brow furrowing. ‘I’m supposed to just sit there and, what? Nod? Smile while she talks about her ex?’

Emma narrows her eyes at you. ‘You’re supposed to be sympathetic, smartass. And I get it, this is a genuinely hard thing to do. Every time we tell you what’s wrong, you either assume we’re blaming you for it, or you offer up some way to make it better. Which I actually think is endearing and sweet and I get that you’re only trying to help but, sometimes…’ Emma makes a frustrated expression. ‘Most of the time, to be honest, we just want you to sit there and make sympathetic noises and give us a cuddle at the end.’

‘That,’ you say slowly, ‘feels like being lazy. I’m not sure I can just be all like, “uh-huh, yeah, that’s terrible,” and not try and help her.’

Emma bares her teeth briefly. ‘Okay. Okay. If you remember one thing about this conversation, it’s gonna be this. You saying those things is helping her. It is literally making her feel better. All you have to do is put your arm around her and be a big, comforting man-chest and say things like, “what happened?” and “you’re kidding!” and “no way!”’

Emma locks eyes with you, and they really are a startling green. ‘And then, you say the six magic words which are guaranteed to make her snuggle up and think, “damn, what a great boyfriend I’ve got”. Ready?’

You blink, surprised. ‘Hit me.’

Emma smiles. ‘You say, ‘awh, sweetheart. How’d that make you feel?’

You roll that around in your head for a moment, until one thing becomes apparent.

‘That’s not actually six words,’ you point out. Emma rolls her eyes impatiently.

‘Bite me. D’you understand what I’m saying, though?’

You nod. ‘Yeah. I think so. Just… show her you care, right? Let her get it all off her chest.’ Emma’s making an encouraging, rotating gesture with her finger. ‘Listen to why she’s upset, ah… don’t offer any solutions just yet, and then give her a cuddle till she feels better.’

Emma smiles. ‘Bullseye.’