[Chapter III.I] The Dark Mercenaries

The townspeople are getting worried. The merchants, who come around every month to set up market, are more than a week late. This has happened before; sometimes there’s foul weather or bandits. But it’s been more than that. The Imperial messengers, due to come every week, have not been seen for nearly three. And the tax collector is late. The tax collector is never late.

Rumours are flying about the town. Prostitutes whisper of the undead roaming the countryside. Old hags suspect that the Empress may have been deposed. You gossip about whether the rapper Snoop the Canine Minstrel has lost his touch in his latest EP Caninestyle, but nobody seems to care.

At any rate, you know fully well that this all just that. Rumours. After all, how could a recently-fallen Paladin possibly be misinformed about something?

Thus, you spend your days roaming the countryside, stomping the life out of ripe crops and saving the occasional Maiden from a Maiden Thief. Life is good. You’re getting as much fresh maiden pussy as you could want (who knew that there were so many maidens about! Wasn’t this supposed to be a small medieval town? Actually, now that you think about it, you might have saved some of the same maidens more than a few times. Might have. You’ve never been great at matching names to faces, not that you’ve ever even asked for a name), and ever since you levelled up that one time, you find yourself more motivated to go out and beat-up bad guys than ever.

This has resulted in you collecting a prodigious amount of experience, so much so that you’re pretty sure you have gained more than you did last time to level up, and yet, you still have not levelled up. This makes you very sad. Either his Darkness Elmo is very busy meeting up with ‘Big Bird’ (whoever that is), or the function of levels in experience is super-linear, and neither is a particularly desirable outcome for a twisted, broken man such as yourself.

As you kneel in front of the entrails of a slaughtered pig in the butcher’s shop, wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve such a cruel and unyielding world, a black light suddenly erupts around you. This time, the screeching noises sound like tortured donkeys braying, and the fanfare is loud enough that you leap up to your feet, about to run away, when the voice sounds:

DO NOT FEAR, FOR IT IS I, ELMO the voice booms. ELMO HAS BEEN WATCHING YOU. WELL, NOT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING ALONE, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A VIOLATION OF YOUR PRIVACY, AND NOT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH OTHERS, BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS TOO FAST FOR ELMO TO CATCH, BUT ELMO HAS BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU.

“You… you have, Lord Elmo?” you ask, voice only stuttering slightly.

WHY YES, AND ELMO RECENTLY NOTICED THAT YOU PROBABLY DESERVE TO BE LEVELLED UP AGAIN. SO HERE YOU GO! HAVE ANOTHER LEVEL, the voice cries out. You feel the surge of power rushing through you again, and it feels bad. So bad that it’s good. However, you are also a bit disappointed, because it doesn’t feel like you got any new powers.

YEAH THOSE YOU’LL HAVE TO ACTUALLY EARN FOR YOURSELF the voice says. NO OSCAR, PUT THAT BACK!

“Sorry, what?” you ask, not quite following this latest development.

SORRY, ELMO’S POSSESSIONS WERE ABOUT TO BE STOLEN BY A HOMELESS VAGRANT. BUT, NOT TO WORRY, ELMO CHASED HIM AWAY. ANYWAYS, AS ELMO WAS SAYING, YOU’LL HAVE TO EARN YOUR NEW POWERS IF YOU’RE GOING TO WANT THEM.

“But I’ve… I’ve followed your dark demands! Killed many maiden thieves! What more could you want?” You are not frustrated with Elmo, because that would be unreasonable, nobody gets frustrated with god, but you are a little… peeved.

WELL, THERE IS A THREAT OUT THERE, CONNECTED TO THE MAIDEN THIEVES. ELMO WANTS YOU TO PUT AN END TO THEM, the voice booms.

“So, who are they? How do I find them? Show me the way, Lord Elmo!”

THE WAY MUST BE DISCOVERED BY ONESELF, the voice says. BUT ELMO WILL TELL YOU THEIR NAME, FOR WITHOUT IT YOU MAY GET CONFUSED. THEY ARE KNOWN AS… THE DARK MERCENARIES