(Chapter VII.I) The Trick to Levelling Up

Eventually, you come to the realization that fucking the Vampyre over and over again is becoming unproductive, because as much exp as you’re gaining, the plot isn’t progressing, and it’s the plot that needs to progress for you to level up.

“Farewell,” you say, waving goodbye to the defeated Vampyre.

“Wait, aren’t you going to fuck me?” she cries out, reaching out for you with her arms.

“I decided against it,” you say.

“Probably ‘cause your cock was too small to feel anything,” the old man snorts, popping another fly in his mouth.

“Shut up,” you say, and you march off, further north, deeper into the kingdom. You have a level to gain.

“ABOUT TIME YOU LEFT THAT HAMLET BY THE ROAD,” Lord Cage says, his voice sounding awfully tinny. “YOU SHOULD HAVE BZZT BZZT BZZT BEEP BOOP BEEP...”

“Sorry, bad reception,” you say.

The sky abruptly turns green, and the sheep in the nearby pasture simultaneously explode. Mars grows very large in the sky, before receding to its prior, nigh-invisible state. You find yourself with a minor nosebleed.

“HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” Lord Cage shouts.

“Yes, I can hear you,” you say.

“WHY DID YOU SAY BAD RECEPTION? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE UNTIL RADIOS… OH WAIT NEVERMIND THERE IS ANOTHER USE OF THE WORD THAT JUST BARELY FITS THIS SCENARIO,” Lord Cage booms. “ANYWAYS, THERE’S A LOT OF DARK ENERGY IN THE AIR AROUND HERE, KIND OF MAKES IT TOUGH FOR ME TO GET THROUGH TO YOU.”

“So, are you here to give me another level?” you ask.

“YES, EXACTLY, HERE WE GO,” Lord Cage says. A massive hand descends from the sky and boops you on the nose.

A warm golden tingle spreads from there to the rest of your body, and suddenly, you feel your powers enhanced.

“MAKE A RIGHT HERE,” Lord Cage booms, and you turn right at the crossroads, heading for the city in the distance.

“Whoa! My nosebleed just healed,” you remark, touching your nose. It feels somewhat tender still, but otherwise, fully functional.

“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK ANOTHER TURN, SO YOUR PASSIVE ACTIVATED,” Lord Cage notes. “AND ALSO, YOUR LEVEL UP GAVE YOU A STRONGER PASSIVE.”

“Wow, I didn’t even know that was possible,” you say.

“WELL IT IS,” Lord Cage intones. “NOW RUN OFF AND KILL SOME MORE VAMPYRES BEFORE YOU BOTHER ME AGAIN.”

“Vampyres? In a city like that?” you ask, gazing at the city in the distance.

But Lord Cage has already left, abandoning you once more. At this rate, you’re going to develop severe daddy issues.